[Referring to Venturestein] Is that man dead?
Uh, no.
Once again Mr. Venture you cut decency to the quick and leave her to die in prostitute ally!
VVenturestein
Prostituuuutes!
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
Why's he gotta cry like that?
I think you scare him.
Well, I'm not the one who froze his corpse or nuked him back from the Great Beyond to be a half-dead short bus seat warmer.
VDr. Venture
But you did kill him. And then when I unkilled him you kind of did it again.
You hit him so hard he has an afro now!
Yeah, he was just this guy... guy in a butterfly suit who got in over his head. And I could see it in his eyes that if I let him get away this one time he'd never come back...but then, I also thought...y'know...Kill 'im. What kind of way is that ta -
SShaman
Quanto! (Begins to Mumble)
SSShaman's Interpreter
Wuh - one time, I am in the Amazon, on my canoe, and I see, swim, the dolphin, the, uh, the beautiful dolphin, so I slip out of my canoe, and I grab her, this...fish...(Shaman mimes a penis penetrating a vagina, placing one finger through two looped together)...and, uh, then I fucked it... the fish!
The Hell's that got to with anything?
SShaman
Kayho Hadaile!
SSShaman's Interpreter
Hot dolphin!
[suddenly realizing] You're an idiot!
DDolphin
You see, Brock Samson, we're all one. We all share the same need for shelter, warmth, fulfillment. The secret of happiness lies not in conquest, but in empathy.
[The dolphin is speared in the back and ripped out from under Brock, then drawn up into the belly button of what appears to be a very large and very naked woman, though her face is obscured]
Wooooaaah. Better dolphin!
[The 'Woman' Leans forward, revealing 'Her' true face]
Samson!!
Hunter?!
What is all this namby-pamby feel bad about good wet work bullshit?! You're beyond good and evil, Superman! You work for the government.
What about uhhh, humanity and empathy and all that garbage?
Who cares? You're going to special ops heaven.
Really?
Really! And it's god damned great! [He flies upwards, clutching Brock to him] The G-Man Valhalla! There's trim and guns everywhere. And we eat steak flavored clouds and poop secrets!
[Hugging one of Hunter's gigantic Breasts] But you're not even dead. You're a woman!
And you're a tool, boy, a tool! Built for a single purpose by the United States of shut your third god damned eye for a good fucking reason! You can't teach a hammer to love nails, son. That dog don't hunt!
[Brock awakens]
DON'T! HUNT!
[The Groovy Gang are fleeing Venturestein when they run into Brock]
TTed
NO! Another one!
DON'T HUNT!
TTed
Not so fast, los—[Brock grabs his arm] Don't shoot me!
Mine is the sword of Michael! [the gun fires, shooting Sonny] I'm bleeding all over!
[Brock head butts Ted, killing him]
[dying] I'm so cold, man...I'm so fuckin' cold.
VVal
The few remaining men will exist as studs, breeding in the cow pasture. Or they could go off to the nearest suicide center where they'll be quietly gassed to death.
TTed
Come on, guys!
[Val gropes Patty’s breasts]
Val, don’t.
The Monarch finally (for like the fourth time) has Team Venture in his clutches at the one time he doesn’t want them – smack dab in the middle of the social event of the supervillain season. The stage is set for a deadly, ultimate showdown between The Monarch and Phantom Limb for the hand of Dr. Girlfriend.
All right, I knew you couldn't handle this! It's crazy. We've been meeting in this crappy hotel, like, three times a week and it's going nowhere!
Alright fine, I'll do Thursdays too. But only for, like, an hour. Which means we have to get right to the dirty deed! I give you permission to begin without me!
(sarcastically) Oh, gee, thanks. Look, I keep coming home with welts on my neck and the "I got jumped by a flying squid" excuse is starting to get Phantom Limb a wee bit suspicious.
Screw Phantom Limb! No, wait. No, don't!
Marry me!
You being serious?
Deadly serious.
(dramatic pause) Yes.
Good! Done! Now get your ass back in that bed!
But we need to make some ground rules first! (brings out a list) 1: No more of this "I need my space, you're crowding me" crap!
Fine, whatever. Wh... Where were you hiding that list?
2: I'm not your "number 2." I'm your partner.
Okay! I'll get you a crown or something. Anything else on that magic and probably moist list of yours?
Yes! Number 3: This whole "Dr. Venture" thing is over!
Yes! We kill him once and for all!!! And we shall make slave of his sons and a lamp from the flesh of Brock Samson!
NO! I want you to give up this insane grudge you have on Dr. Venture once and for all.
No way! Dr. Venture is my sworn enemy!
Oh, nevermind then! I knew you weren't serious!
No, no! Don't go!!! Fine, I'll do it... No more arching Dr. Venture...
Ever?
Never...
Swear?
I pinkie swear!!
[The Monarch and Dr. Girlfriend pinkie swear]
'Kay? You happy know?
(Teary eyed) The happiest woman alive!
(Dr. Orpheus is firing magic bolts at Torrid, who teleports a foot away just before each blast hits him)
It's like playing Keep Away with the neighborhood spastic! I can't get a bead on him!
You should give us the All Seeing Orb!
(sarcastically) "You should"? Nice, Al. Very polite.
What? You catch more flies with honey.
Give us the Eye or face oblivion!!
...Please!
(To Dr. Girlfriend, flirtateously morose) I brought you something blue.... me....
Revenge, like gazpacho soup, is a dish best served cold, precise, and merciless.
Yeah, yeah, you can never have enough precision in your soup...
Go! Her shit's by the door in a box marked 'hers'.
(After defeating Torrid with their finishing move?)
AH! Man, Orpheus! What are you wearing, golf shoes?
Honestly, I think my hand is bleeding. And the squirming...
I think it's the flip part.
That's the zing! We need the zing!
Well the zing hurts my hand!
Well if we practiced more than once a month...
(The Alchemist is holding a giant eyeball in front of his head)
Hey! Hey, look! I'm in The Residents! (laughs)
Does anybody else feel even slightly embarrassed here?
Only most of the time.
Practice makes perfect! We shall meet at my home for some real training!
Yeah! (sing-song) Slumber party!
I'm here! And I've got some fancy beer and some chips guaranteed to be... extreme!
(Amazed) How is that possible...?
I don't know, by putting a lightning bolt on the bag.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Venture Bros. pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.