Right now, G.U.A.R.D.O. doesn't know you or me from a squad of snake people hopped up on PCP.
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
H.E.L.P.eR.'s done it.
Hank and Dean: Go Team H.E.L.P.eR.!
Yeah, but did you get the first aid kit?
VDr. Venture
I don't need first aid, Hank, I need you to stop choking me and hitting me with fire extinguishers.
(tastes a cup of soda and spits) What is this, diet? Why did you get diet?
I didn't.
Taste this, then! (shoves the cup into Girlfriend's face)
Okay, I might have grabbed the wrong bottle at the supermarket.
How do you do that?! How can you not tell the difference?! God, it's like having my dad do the shopping!
Venture and I have been engaged in a deadly game of cat and also cat for years!
VDr. Venture
What the hell are you smiling about?
(dreamily) Brock said I'm the man of the house while he's gone.
VDr. Venture
(annoyed) Oh, so you think you're a big man now, huh?
(uneasily) Uh, no...sir?
(Doctor Venture puts up his dukes and steps menacingly close to Hank)
VDr. Venture
Think you can take your old dad, huh? I knew this day would come! Go ahead, big man, take your best shot!
What...what do you mean, pop?
No! Stop it, you two! This family's tearing itself apart! (begins to cry)
VDr. Venture
You proud of yourself, big man? Look what you're doing to your poor brother!
S1Soldier 1
Who was that?
S2Soldier 2
Brock fucking Samson!
S1Soldier 1
No way! Dibs on his cigarette butt!
Dude, look, elephants!
That's... (rummages through box of wildlife cards) "Loxodonta africana." You can tell which ones are the males because they're the only ones with tusks.
I got no problem tellin' which one's the male, bro. Check out the fifth leg on that beast!
It's called a trunk.
It's called "you're a spaz", and that ain't what I'm talkin' about.
What are you, on the rag?
VDr. Venture
(exasperated) It's impossible for me to be on the rag, I'm a...I can't believe I'm even arguing about this with you! What men's room did you pick up that kind of trash talk in? (the boys point at Brock, who shrugs)
Welcome, Dr. Venture...to the funnest place on Earth! (he turns toward Venture, revealing his partially paralyzed face)
(horrified) Holy dammit Christmas!
Does my appearance startle you, Dr. Venture?
(struggling to regain his composure) No, not at all, I--as a man of science, I see all...kinds of things.
Now that we've exchanged pleasantries and hot panda milk, Dr. Venture, let's talk business. I want you to clone me.
(caught off-guard) Cloning? (unconvincingly) I...wouldn't know anything about that, seeing as Congress has banned all cloning research in North America.
I-that's it! The deal is off! I don't care if you are rich, I don't have to take this crap from a gimp!
I spy a...um... (shuffling through cards) huh. I don't have a card for that one.
If you don't knock it off with the wildlife cards already, you're going to be spying my foot up your wow-hole, Dean. Seriously.
Brock? Thank God! His freakin' panda's trained to put me in a bag!
VDr. Venture
(resentfully) Your panda broke my glasses.
We'll replace them at once. We have many glasses here. We have everything you need.
VDr. Venture
Where the hell is "here"?
Your home for the time being. (dramatically) Welcome, Dr. Venture...to the Brisby-dome!
VVenture
This is that ridiculous giant beehive next door to your study, isn't it? You knocked me out and put me in a bag to bring me fifty yards?!?
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Venture Bros. pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.