Enzo St. John quotes from The Vampire Diaries

John

I know you know.

Elena

Know what?

John

It's really silly to keep pretending. What do you think your mother would say if she knew you were dating a vampire?

Elena

Which mother?

John

Katherine?!

Katherine

Hello, John. Goodbye, John. [Stabs him]

Elena

What are you doing here?

John

Coffee?

Elena

We did that last night. No more avoiding.

Jenna

What the hell?

John

Good morning to you, Jenna. Alaric.

John

You guys are drinking vervain?

Damon

It's an acquired taste. I don't see that magical ring on your stitched finger, so if you know something about Klaus, you better start talking, or I will kill you in your sleep.

Damon

Do you mind?

John

What's going on?

Elena

Nothing.

John

It doesn't look like nothing.

Damon

Well, guess what, John? Trust works both ways. Get out.

Katherine

(Enzo called Stefan with Damon's phone) Oh, my god. Damon?

Enzo

Hello, Stefan. How wonderful to hear your beautiful feminine voice.

Katherine

Enzo. What the hell do you want?

Enzo

I'm in a spot of trouble, actually.

Katherine

Where's Damon?

Enzo

Oh, he's here, salivating, about to chomp into my neck and feed until my head pops off in a grotesque but slightly comical fashion.

Enzo

Atlanta Assassination Squad. How may we be of service?

I take it you haven't located the doppelgänger yet.

Enzo

You told us to find a nameless paramedic at the scene of a car accident in a city full of freeways, fried green tomatoes, and terrible drivers. It's not exactly as easy as it sounds.

Which is why I am calling. The doppelgänger's name is Tom Avery, and I just saw him deliver a patient to Atlanta Metro Hospital.

Caroline

(to Enzo) She saw him? She did the vision thing again? (takes the phone, now talking to Sloan) We had a deal. I find Stefan's last living doppelgänger--

Tom

Caroline

Tom. I take care of Tom, and in return, you stop using Stefan to psychically doppelbomb him because every time you link the two, you are frying Stefan's brain.

Enzo

Ah. Modern women, all bosom, no mystery, present company excluded.

Caroline

Dear god! Please don't tell me that I'm the real reason you're here.

Enzo

Why not? From what Damon tells me, I am your type-- well-traveled, charming accent, dodgy morals.

Caroline

Arrogant, tactless, completely unable to take a hint.

Enzo

Precisely.

Damon

(not answering Elena's call) Damon: One, Temptation: Zero.

Enzo

(answering Caroline's call) Temptation: One, Enzo-- Hello Gorgeous.

Enzo

I can't join my friends for a cup of tea?

Stefan

Damon, your friend, uh, singular, isn't here, and we're a little busy right now.

Damon

Enzo! You in here?

Enzo

Don't reckon I'd miss this.

Damon

Because knock it off!

Caroline

It doesn't make any sense. If Enzo wanted to kill Elena, drowning her wouldn't work.

Enzo

Smart girl. See why you like her so much.

Caroline

Maybe he's just trying to scare us.

Enzo

Warmer. (No says anything) Come on! You've almost got it. What is Enzo up to?

Damon

Drowning Elena was just a distraction. He figured out a way to kill us all in one fell swoop.

Enzo

Did I mention that I missed you?

Bonnie

He says you promised to bring him back.

Enzo

Uh, you're paraphrasing. He said, quote, I will find a way.

Bonnie

Whatever.

Damon

Hello. Still here, and I know what I said.

Enzo

Bey. Remind him he doesn't have a very good track record for keeping promises.

Bonnie

Please stop talking.

Enzo

The other side is on the brink of collapse. I plan on pestering all of you until I'm safely returned to the land of the living.

Bonnie

You need to fix this before I lose my mind.

Damon

Hey. I'm sorry, ok? I've got two missing Doppelgängers, I've got a Traveler that wants to rid our town of magic, and I've got the friendly banker Mr. Sikes in the coat closet, so escape from the netherworld's gonna have to wait until tomorrow. [Enzo throws a bottle of booze into fireplace]

Bonnie

I think he wants to be penciled in for today.

Enzo

You have a lovely clavicle.

Thank you. I think.

Enzo

Forgive me, I always notice a woman's neck. I'm a neck person! So is Stefan, right Stefan?

Stefan

Not anymore.

Enzo

Ah, well, that's silly. You can't just stop being a neck person!

Damon

Stefan could have told me there was a hunter in town.

Enzo

Eh, it probably slipped his mind because he's responsible for my return to incarceration.

Damon

And why would he do that?

Enzo

Probably jealous of my accent. Or, maybe he did it because I killed his new girlfriend.

Damon

Yeah. That'll do it.