Directed by Danny Leiner. Written by Ross Vendkur.
Couples
Well, not so runny anymore, are we, Mister Takin'-Stuff? (after fleeing burglar bounces off him.)
FBThe Fiery Blaze
Guttersnipe! Halt now or face the combustible justice of... the Fiery Blaze!
FFFriendly Fire
And his sideKICK [kicks the burglar] Friendly Fire!
Lordy, gents, your banter is immaculate! A pleasure to witness.
Manuel, we're not lonely, are we?
We? No. No, no, no, no. We're too attractive to be lonely.
Yeah, but we are alone.
I'm not alone. Uh, spinsters, shut-ins, toll booth attendants — these are alone people. Batmanuel is lone — as in Lone Ranger, or, uh, lone wolf. Alone is an unfortunate predicament. Lone is an aesthetic choice.
[Captain Liberty tries to buy a puppy.]
How much?
RPRandolph [pet store clerk]
Well, I suggest you spend some time with Lilith in the back, make sure you like her personality, and then we can talk price.
Personality? He's a dog. He sits, he rolls over, he plays dead. How much?
RRandolph
I don't think I'm gonna be able to help you, ma'am. Why don't you go rent a videotape or something, instead of ruining some poor puppy's life with your single-woman hormone clock-is-ticking impulse-buying nonsense?
Just sell me the damn dog.
RRandolph
She's not for sale — not to you. What you need is a singles chat-room, ma'am, not some living creature. Good day.
So, Tick, you know, I've been thinking. We have it pretty good. We fill in each other's weak spots. You're bulletproof, for instance, while I'm not.
True — but it's your firm grip on reality that keeps our ship on course.
Well... yeah, I guess you're right...
Guess, nothin'! You're on a first-name basis with lucidity, little friend. I have to call it Mister Lucidity... and that's no good in a pinch.
I just don't wanna turn into Blaze and Fire, okay?
Good heavens, man, what kind of crazy Frankenscience could make that possible?
I smell sweaty, drinky, uncle-person...
[The Fiery Blaze appears and falls down drunk.]
The Funeral
Directed by Andrew Tsao. Written by Christopher McCullough.
[The Tick delivers an unscheduled eulogy at the funeral of the Immortal, a world-famous superhero.]
Death: the eternal blink. The capricious dance of now-you-stopped moving-forever. Well, contrary to popular belief, death is not just for dead people. It can happen to anybody. I know... it's news to me too.
I'm sorry, but it's just not cool.
Well, who made you the arbiter of cool?
It is Batmanuel's divine mission. He can do nothing about it.
My God, Tick! What planet are you living on?
Plant Me.
Planet Stupid!
Hey, don't take this out on the Tick! HE is not the one who took a national treasure to bed and then killed him with his pink secrets!
Life is your chance, Arthur! Grab it! Squeeze the milk of life into your dirty glass and drink it warm.
If you had asked out that girl at the Panda when I told you, you would be on a date right now instead of riding around in the makeshift hearse of your childhood hero! Just something to think about for next time.
[The Tick's funeral oration continues.]
Well, just for kicks, let's look at the word "funeral". Starts with the word "fun", doesn't it? All I see out there are a bunch of sad faces. Now the Grim Reaper is an ugly customer, I'll grant you that — but you know who's worse? Mister Mope!
[After a (possibly imaginary) pep-talk from the dead Immortal, Arthur approaches the girl he was too shy to ask out at the Panda earlier.]
Look, I'll probably be arrested soon... and after that, of course, I'll be dead. But before all that happens, I just wanted to say... hi.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Tick (live-action) pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.