Malcolm (to John) Oh, twat features! I mean that literally.
“Series 3, Episode 3”
In this episode: Nicola Murray (12), Ollie Reeder (11), Malcolm Tucker (9), Glenn Cullen (7), John Duggan (5), Terri Coverley (2), Angela Heaney (1)
(deleted scene)
(on his phone) No, Dan Miller is not positioning himself for the leadership. Well, for a start, you can't have a prime minister called Dan. People called Dan work in fucking fitness centres and listen to West Coast jazz.
(deleted scene)
Er, no, I've gotta wait for Glenn to bring Julie what's-her-face back from the toilet so I can give her the tour.
Where are they?
Glenn has taken her to Nicola's toilet. It's like being back at college, isn't it, you know, Freshers' Week, it's just as busy, isn't it, you know –
Stop talking.
Right, OK.
Oh dear, that's bad, Glenn and a woman in a toilet. 'Hello Julie. Would you like to see the Minister's room? (John starts laughing) It's very cosy, isn't it, just right for a little kissy-kissy? Maybe some tickle-me tickle-me? (mimes undoing his flies) Have you met my little friend, old blind Bob?' (turns round to find that Glenn and Julie Price have returned) Just an impression of my friend, old blind Bob.
Liar.
Listen, right, I'm not being really horrible, but are you actually autistic?
No; but you'd be surprised how many people ask me that.
(deleted scene)
And I need you, big man.
Why?
Because I'm gonna invite some hacks up here. I'm gonna give them some drinks, and I'm gonna show them what good mates we are, huh?
Do we have to?
Yes, we do have to do it! And I want you to be telling some really fucking amusing anecdotes about our long weekend in Prague.
(to Ollie) He's gonna hit me again, isn't he? I don't mind being hit, it's just the making up afterwards that scares me shitless.
(deleted scene)
Terri, I really need you to come down here and help me. All I've got here, right, is a psycho man, a bleeding man and a sarky teenager. It's like some fucking logic problem: 'How do I get the chickens across the river? How do I get the fucking chickens across the river?'
(deleted scene)
See, this is the problem with the modern age, the blogosphere, and it is a fear, it's everywhere, we call it the i-Zilla. No one can tame the Beast of Blogmin.
What the fuck are you talking about? Make a deal with these bloggers. Threaten them! It's your fucking job, isn't it?
Malcolm, that is not how the internet works; it's a world-wide, you know, web, that's where that comes from.
Look: I need you to find the incy-wincy fucking spider, take your rolled-up wank mag and fucking squash the fucker, right, can you do that?
Malcolm, I've got a lot on. (Malcolm glares at him) Not a problem. That's a Duggan promise.
(deleted scene)
Ollie (looking out of the window onto the car park): You've got to see this, come here. Glenn is putting on his retrosexual moves.
No!
Yeah.
Nicola (looking out of the window): Who is she?
I dunno, but she's smashed, if she is a she. I think I can see her madam's apple there.
Maybe they're just talking.
Nicola and Ollie (seeing them kiss): Oh!
That's horrific. This is like the worst porn film ever. This is like the porn film where the woman rings for a special adviser to give her an overview of the last five years of social policy and they end up fucking.
(both laugh)
Nicola: The Porn Ultimatum.
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