JAJackie Aprile, Jr.
You should get the nurse to help you...that's what they get paid for...maybe she'll be fine and give you a cheap thrill.
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
Amazing thing about snakes is that they reproduce spontaneously.
What do you mean?
They have both male and female sex organs. That’s why somebody you don’t trust you call a snake. How can you trust a guy who can literally go fuck themselves?
Don’t you think that expression would’ve come from the Adam and Eve story? When the snake tempted Eve to bite the apple?
Hey, snakes were fucking themselves long before Adam and Eve showed up, T.
What are you doin' here?
Answer your father.
I got sent home.
Why?
[...]
Why?
I got in trouble.
Your son broke into his school Friday night and vandalized the swimming pool.
How do you vandalize a swimming pool?
They threw a bunch of stuff in it, they broke things.
Why'd you do that for?
Screwin' around...
[smacking AJ on the head] On your mother's birthday?!
It wasn't. It was after midnight.
What are you, fuckin' stupid? Huh? So what now, you're suspended?
I dunno...
Tony, do you know how serious this is? He may be expelled.
What'd they say?
Nothing. They just sent me home. They said to bring you guys into the principal's office.
On your mother's birthday...
They're gonna call you.
Just when everything was going good, huh? You're gonna miss the big game. You're screwing everything up, your football career down the drain!
1Officer 1
You make this pizza?
PRPizza Restaurant Owner
Who make-ah this pizza?
1Officer 1
We're askin' you...
2Officer 2
Is this your store logo sir?
PRPizza Restaurant Owner
That's-a my box.
2Officer 2
This pie was found at a crime scene.
PRPizza Restaurant Owner
My pizza never hurt nobody.
2Officer 2
Come again sir?
PRPizza Restaurant Owner
You no find any bacteria in here!
2Officer 2
Some kids broke in a Verbum Dei High School, broke things, they left this there.
PRPizza Restaurant Owner
Now you tell me their names, I go put-ah my foot up-ah their ass.
Don't tell me you were happier when she was goin' out with that uh...Jamaal Ginsburg, the hasidic homeboy.
Tony, guess what we found in the bottom of the Christmas box.
Santa Outfit.
You guessed.
Burn the fuckin' thing.
This is the first Christmas in history I remember him not bein' Santa.
RCRaymond Curto
Ahh... Big Pussy.
We were talkin' the other day about that fat piece o' shit. When he got back from Boca in Christmas in '95, how he wasn't himself.
What happened to uh... not wastin' your breath on the cocksucker?
RCRaymond Curto
Two faced fuck. To sell out your friends and save your own ass. It's despicable. That's one ride I would've loved ta been along on.
Yeah... me too.
Enough o' this shit. Put up the fuckin' decorations.
Well we still gotta find somebody ta play Santa.
[Everyone stares at Tony]
The fuck outta here.
[The crew are pondering who is going to be Santa. Bobby enters the room, and Silvio signals everyone to his likeness]
What?
Ho fuckin' ho!
You're right.
What are you talkin' about?
You wanna play Santa Claus at the party this year?
Nah, I can't do that.
Why not?
...I don't know. I don't know how.
Eh, what's to know? You ask 'em what they want for Christmas, you give 'em a nice toy, and that's the end of it.
Nah. Not me, I can't.
Yes you can.
I can't.
Why not?
I'm shy.
[Paulie slowly rises and marches towards Bobby]
The Boss of this family told you you're gonna be Santa Claus. You're Santa Claus! So shut the fuck up about it.
Pussy... I loved that cocksucker like a brother and he fucked me in the ass.
One thing you gotta admit, he made a great Santa Claus.
He did.
In the end, fuck Santa Claus.
You were just here.
KKid
I was not.
Yeah you were. You were on my lap five minutes ago.
KKid
No, I wasn't.
Yes, you were! Now you're goin' on Santa's list and you're gettin' nothin'!
KKid
Fuck you, Santa!
EEveryone
Ohhh!
The Russians? They're not all bad.
Paulie Walnuts How about the Cuban Missile Crisis? Cocksuckers moved nuclear warheads into Cuba, pointed 'em right at us.
That was real? I saw that movie, I thought it was bullshit.
Gimme your shoes. I can go get help.
Fuck you. You're not leavin' me here.
You don't trust me?
It's stupid. Pitch dark out there.
And what's your fuckin' plan? Eat ketchup packs?
We shoulda stopped at Roy Rogers.
And I shoulda fucked Dale Evans, but I didn't!
Could be him out there stalkin' us!
With what? His cock? Think about it Chrissy. Even if he's alive, he's unarmed and bleedin' like a sieve, he's in the woods, he's in his pajamas. It's the fuckin' Yukon out there.
Probably thinks we left anyway.
If he's alive, which he ain't. What's that?
Nathan's bag. Fuck, there's some ketchups and shit.
They clean?
I don't know. They were in the bag. They're a little halfway frozen.
Fuck it. Gimme some. Not bad. Mix it with the relish.
You said yourself I hit 'im in the head. Fuckin' Rasputin this guy.
One time we went huntin'. Saw a sign said 'Bear Left.' (pause) So we went home.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Sopranos pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.