Rani Chandra quotes from The Sarah Jane Adventures

Mr Smith

Through the ages, there have been many reports of fish raining from the sky. There is a meteorological explanation.

Rani

What, you mean it's natural?

Sarah Jane

Storms and tornadoes suck fish out of the water into the upper atmosphere. They freeze, then later, they come raining down. Yeah, but those fish were small. It can satisfy the next door neighbor's cat. Mr Smith, the fish today, they were this big! [widens her hands to a very large extent]

Sarah Jane

[copies Clyde] Yeah, well still not natural.

Sky

So what's in a museum?

Clyde

Dead things, mostly.

Sky

And people like to look at dead things? Isn't that a bit weird?

Clyde

[chuckle]: If you ask me, yeah.

Sarah Jane

Museums help preserve our past, Sky. They're fascinating places. You'll see.

Rani

Mum and Dad met in a museum.

Sarah Jane

Oh, how romantic. Though I never saw your mum as a museum type.

Rani

It was raining.

Sarah Jane

Oh.

Sky

[looking at the totem pole] Isn't it pretty?

Rani

I think the word you're looking for is "creepy." Look at those faces.

Sarah Jane

There shouldn't really be anything sinister about a totem pole. They were generally a kind of storybook, carved from cedar trees as a representation of myths of family history.

Clyde

Well, I'm glad they're not my family. What a funny looking bunch, aren't you? [rubs finger against the pole, receiving a splinter] Ow!

I have to say, I couldn't have wished a better publicity stunt. Maybe Hetocumtek is on our side.

Sarah Jane

I'm sorry, why Hetocumtek?

According to legend, Hetocumtek was a vicious warrior god who descended from the skies and tried to enslave the people of the Great Plains. But the story goes that the tribe's greatest medicine men came together and tricked Hetocumtek, imprisoning him in a totem pole.

Rani

What, this totem pole?

Well, 'tis only a story.

Rani

[staring at a jazz poster] Clyde, look. [reads] "Ellie Faber."

Clyde

Wasn't her name. She just took it off some old poster.

The Night Dragon took her.

Clyde

What, that was the Night Dragon? A truck?

Comes by every so often. The drivers would sometimes give you a lift. Glasgow, Dublin, France, Germany. They go all over the place. It's another chance. That's why people go. [walks away]

Clyde

She's gone.

Rani

She meant a lot to you, didn't she?

Sarah Jane

Come on. Let's go home.

Luke

I had to leave K-9 back at uni, but look ... [pulls out a long, metal whistle] I made this. Dog whistle. 'Cause you never know.

Sarah Jane

What's he doing up there?

Luke

He's backing up the Bodleian Library. The whole lot. He wouldn't come back with me.

Mr Smith

Oh, good...ness me, what a terrible shame.

Rani

Oy, Mr Smith, don't be nasty! We could always swap you for another computer...like the SerfBoard.

Mr Smith

I hardly think that would be a good exchange.

Clyde

I'm getting a bit suspicious and preparing to say the "A" word.

Sky

What "A" word?

Rani

[quickly] Aliens.

Mr Smith

Deep scan complete.

Rani

Well, tell us the worst.

Mr Smith

The SerfBoard is a standard, low-specification laptop computer.

Clyde

And?

Mr Smith

That is all.

Rani

Well, it can't be. The hologram, the big launch tonight, "one in every home."

Clyde

Hold on. [whispers to Rani, about Mr Smith] Right, what if it's got him?

Mr Smith

I can hear you, Clyde. And, no, it hasn't "got me".

Rani

[about the SerfBoard] Leave it alone. We wait for the others to get back.

Clyde

But there's not much time. How are you going to feel tonight if everyone's walking down Bannerman Road with their arms out, going, "Serve the computer!"

Rani

Clyde, no.

Clyde

Oh, come on. The clock's ticking. Let's switch it on and see what it does. [attempts to open the SerfBoard]

Rani

[makes noise that stops Clyde] Okay, but we do it my way. We take precautions.

Clyde

Hey! It was my idea!

Rani

Yeah, well it needs a delicate touch!

Clyde

Well, I'm delicate! [receives a weird glance from Rani] In a very manly way. I've got artist fingers.

Rani

Ah, I've done it!

Mr Smith

Ahem. We have done it. [ejects two cards]

Rani

[grabs the cards] Okay, we're in! Trevor and Janet Sharp.

Clyde

Trevor? Do I look like a Trevor? Although, I am sharp...

Rani

Oh, they're consumer journalists from "Twilight Years Magazine" for the years over sixties.

Clyde

Jerry Atrick can use. Have you got anything better?

Rani

Well they were the only ones on the guest list that won't turn up.

Mr Smith

Mr and Mrs Sharp are stranded at Bole Airport thanks to a ... ahem ... computer malfunction. [Clyde looks surprised]

Rani

Oh, yeah, and they're married.

Clyde

[sarcastic] Oh, great. The cavalry's coming, and it's me and the missus!

Mr Smith

Wait a moment! I'm picking up a high frequency modulated signal in Morse code.

Sky

Brilliant.

Mr Smith

The transmission is on the command frequency of K-9.

Clyde

Must be Luke. The whistle.

Rani

Or it's a trap. How do we know it's Luke for sure?

Mr Smith

Deciphering. Message begins. "CLANI ... "

Clyde

Yeah, that's Luke.

Mr Smith

"...GRAB...HARRISON'S...P...E...N... full stop."

Clyde

Never have I been so glad to see a full stop!

So, before we go through to meet the SerfBoard, let's meet the man behind the SerfBoard. Joseph Serf.

Hahah-um.. Mr Joseph Serf.

Luke

Ready?

Sky

You bet!

Serf! [presses his earpiece] Now, now, now!

Luke

Left leg, right leg, left leg, right leg.

Luke

Right one. Walk! Walk!

[to Rani] Fellow's been drinking!

Welcome to my lovely lunch.

My lovely launch.

Oh! I am gorgeous!

Luke

But he'll never say that!

Sky

Best thing I can think of!

Luke

You keep him talking!

What a beautiful day, boys and girls.

Luke

Remember, he's American!.

Yeeeeehaw! [lifts his thigh and slaps it] As I woke up, put my bricks on the grittle, I thought gee, what a cotton picking day to launch a new computer.

Luke

Wha- what? You've been watching Toy Story again!

Luke

He's gonna use the pen! No!

The pen. Get the pen.

Luke

It's hypnotic! We've got to turn off the hypno power!

Listen, everybody. I want you to grab the pen from Harrison. Grab the pen [points at Harrison] from him!

She's not armed, leave her alone!

Smash it. Smash it! Smash it. Smash it.

No! No!

Sarah Jane

It stopped.

Go home. The SerfBoard is rubbish! Box standard, cobblers, garbage! Go home, tell everyone!

No!

Of course it is. Stupid computers. Nothing wrong with a typewriter, says I.

It's one hundred percent toot. It's bobbins! It's trash. In fact, you think it's rubbish. Go home, tell everyone.

Clyde

I've got a weird feeling about him.

[waves] Hi Clani.

Rani

[laughs and takes off her glasses] I knew it.

[points up] Go to the roof.

Bye Clani. [hologram disappears]

Sky

[hugs Luke] We did it.