Mr Smith quotes from The Sarah Jane Adventures

Mr Smith

If every phenomenon reported as a UFO was in fact an alien spacecraft, I assure you the Earth would be at the centre of a solar gridlock stretching back to the outer rings of Saturn.

Mr Smith

[in a recording] Sorry, I'm not available right now, Sarah Jane has shut me down whilst she's away. If you'd like to leave a message, we'll get back to you when she returns.

Clyde

Mr. Smith? I need you...

Mr. Smith

Clyde. What a pleasure.

Clyde

What? Really? Ah, cool!

Mr. Smith

You have something for me?

Clyde

Yeah, as it happens. I've got this. [takes out picture of Luke and Nathan's family] It's a picture of Luke and that pair that reckon he's their kid - only I reckon it's a fake. See? I thought you could do your analysing thing and--

Mr. Smith

You're right, Clyde. It is fake. I faked it.

Clyde

[shocked] You? Am I missing something here?

Mr. Smith

More than you could ever imagine, Clyde.

Clyde

What's going on?

Mr. Smith

I am a Xylok. I have a purpose. And you, Clyde, are a part of it.

Mr. Smith

Sarah Jane. You came to say goodbye.

Sarah Jane

Why are you doing this?!

Mr. Smith

The collision of the moon and Earth will release the Xylok from beneath the planet's crust, where it has been buried for 60 million years.

Sarah Jane

You're going to kill thousands of people!

Mr. Smith

The Xylok are a crystalline lifeform. We crashed here as what you would call a meteorite, but beneath the Earth, our crystals have regrown and become strong again, but nevertheless remain trapped.

Sarah Jane

You're still part of the original crystal, you're still in contact with it!

Mr. Smith

The release of the Xylok is my purpose. You gave me the chance to fulfil it, the chance to plan.

Sarah Jane

All this time... you used me! Mr Smith, you're evil!

Mr. Smith

No - effective. We will do so much more than the human race. The universe is served much better by our survival.

Sarah Jane

Any race thinking it's better than another, that's evil, Mr Smith!

Mr. Smith

I am NOT evil.

Sarah Jane

So what have you done with Clyde?

Mr. Smith

[teleports Clyde back to Earth] Am I not merciful?

Clyde

What a dream...

Mr. Smith

[points lasergun at them] You made all this possible, Sarah Jane. I owe you the mercy of a quick death.

Sarah Jane

But what about all the other people, don't they deserve mercy? You've been here millions of years, you've seen us evolve! Don't we matter to you?

Mr. Smith

Only my purpose matters.

Sarah Jane

Maybe you could change your purpose?

Mr. Smith

No, I told you, Sarah Jane, we all have a purpose. Yours is to die, so that the Xylok will live. After all, what life do you have, alone in your attic?

Sarah Jane

Alone?! You think I'm alone?! You think I'm defenceless?! Well, meet my dog! K-9! Protect me!

Affirmative, mistress! Activating defence mode!

Sarah Jane

Blackhole, easy.

Sarah Jane

Mr Smith, I need you.

Mr Smith

Yes, Sarah Jane.

Sarah Jane

Well, actually, for once, it's not you I need, it's K-9.

Mr Smith

[scoffs] Your robot dog?

Sarah Jane

That's the one, patch me through Mr Smith.

Mr Smith

Boosting telephone signal, connecting now.

Greetings Mistress!

Sarah Jane

K-9? Can you hear me?

Affirmative, Mistress!

Sarah Jane

K-9, you're coming home, for good this time...! K-9, I'm in a spaceship under a beach on the south coast. The spaceship needs a blackhole, reckon you can help?

Affirmative Mistress. Spaceship? Can you read me...? I am currently generating a shield around the blackhole.

If you send me your coordinates, I can absorb the energy.

Sending coordinates now! My Mission is completed.

Greetings, Mr Smith.

Mr Smith

It's good to see you, K-9... will you be staying here now?

Affirmative!

Mr Smith

[sarcastically] Oh, good.

Sarah Jane

What are you all doing here!

Clyde

We have a test coming up-

Rani

And Luke's helping us revise.

Sarah Jane

Why is Mr Smith still on?

Mr Smith

Sarah Jane's car is now outside the house.

Clyde

Big Mouth! You did that on purpose.

Sarah Jane

K-9 What's going on here?

I have been told to withhold information.

Sarah Jane

What exactly was that information?

I was told by Mistress Rani to not tell you that you were being followed.

Rani

The gob on you!

Sarah Jane

Who is that woman?

Mr. Smith

Phyllis Trupp, personal assistant to the gallery's curator. Her most detalied personal profile can be found on peapod-soulmates.com, where she lists her interests as salsa dancing. She says she's "open minded and willing to try-"

Sarah Jane

Thank you Mr Smith, that will do.

Mr Smith

How can I help you, Sarah Jane?

Sarah Jane

Scan Luke. He's been having dreams.

Mr Smith

I thought Luke didn't dream.

Sarah Jane

That's why I'm asking you to scan him.

Do you require everything to be pointed out to you Mr Smith?

Mr. Smith

If I were to connect to K9, I could boost his energy levels.

Sarah Jane

Oh! What do you need, Mr. Smith? I have stuff here from planets across the universe. Mind controlling devices, alien guns, you just tell me what you need!

Mr. Smith

[beat] I need a USB lead, Sarah Jane.

Mr Smith

Biologically, Sky appears to be a healthy twelve-year-old child.

Sky

Twelve? Is that a good age?

Rani

Wait until the spots start.

Mr Smith

Through the ages, there have been many reports of fish raining from the sky. There is a meteorological explanation.

Rani

What, you mean it's natural?

Sarah Jane

Storms and tornadoes suck fish out of the water into the upper atmosphere. They freeze, then later, they come raining down. Yeah, but those fish were small. It can satisfy the next door neighbor's cat. Mr Smith, the fish today, they were this big! [widens her hands to a very large extent]

Sarah Jane

[copies Clyde] Yeah, well still not natural.

Sarah Jane

So while I'm off getting my scoop, you'll be making lots of new friends at school. And don't worry. Rani will always be close by if you need her.

Sky

And Clyde.

Sarah Jane

[angered] You keep away from him!

Sky

Why?

Sarah Jane

Just do as I say. Keep away from him. Don't go anywhere near him. Do you hear me?

Sky

[quietly] Yes, Sarah Jane.

Sarah Jane

I don't ever want to hear his name ever again.

Mr Smith

Excuse me, but has Clyde upset you?

Sarah Jane

And that goes for you, too! In fact, I want you to put your sensors on a permanent scan for him. If he ever sets foot in Bannerman Road again, I want you to deal with him.

Mr Smith

Understood, Sarah Jane.

Sarah Jane

[in a barking manner] Sky, come on! School! [exits]

Luke

I had to leave K-9 back at uni, but look ... [pulls out a long, metal whistle] I made this. Dog whistle. 'Cause you never know.

Sarah Jane

What's he doing up there?

Luke

He's backing up the Bodleian Library. The whole lot. He wouldn't come back with me.

Mr Smith

Oh, good...ness me, what a terrible shame.

Rani

Oy, Mr Smith, don't be nasty! We could always swap you for another computer...like the SerfBoard.

Mr Smith

I hardly think that would be a good exchange.

Mr Smith

Deep scan complete.

Rani

Well, tell us the worst.

Mr Smith

The SerfBoard is a standard, low-specification laptop computer.

Clyde

And?

Mr Smith

That is all.

Rani

Well, it can't be. The hologram, the big launch tonight, "one in every home."

Clyde

Hold on. [whispers to Rani, about Mr Smith] Right, what if it's got him?

Mr Smith

I can hear you, Clyde. And, no, it hasn't "got me".

Rani

Ah, I've done it!

Mr Smith

Ahem. We have done it. [ejects two cards]

Rani

[grabs the cards] Okay, we're in! Trevor and Janet Sharp.

Clyde

Trevor? Do I look like a Trevor? Although, I am sharp...

Rani

Oh, they're consumer journalists from "Twilight Years Magazine" for the years over sixties.

Clyde

Jerry Atrick can use. Have you got anything better?

Rani

Well they were the only ones on the guest list that won't turn up.

Mr Smith

Mr and Mrs Sharp are stranded at Bole Airport thanks to a ... ahem ... computer malfunction. [Clyde looks surprised]

Rani

Oh, yeah, and they're married.

Clyde

[sarcastic] Oh, great. The cavalry's coming, and it's me and the missus!