All I've got is my money, this mansion, and my good looks! What would a bunch of dumb raccoons want with that? Heh, heh.....absolutely everything!
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
It’s time to call out my secret service.
What secret service?
It’s so secret, I haven’t told anyone!
Attention! Now hear this. You are the hand picked elite. The finest secret service ever created. So secret you don't even know who each other are. Now, here's your mission.
These my secretive stoolpigeons are the conspirators. Study them. But don't be fooled. They are not as dumb as they look. Note the masks on their eyes. A sure sign of a thief. A robber. Or maybe even a filthy agitator! Note this one (points to a projection of Schaeffer) - No eyes. Extremely dangerous. Has a keen sense of smell - so take a bath!
Don't you dare Snag! I've just had that tree dry cleaned!
Try to surprise Cyril Sneer? Well I love to spoil surprises!
You are nothing but a powerless paralytic inept ineffective bumbing bunch of deadbeat bears! Some secret service! You didn't even load the camera! You don't seem to realise that if I go, you go! Somewhere out there is an army that is out to destroy everything I've pillaged, cheated, robbed and connived to build. And because of your bumbling they not only know that I know what they know but I don't even know when they'll do what I know they'll do! Anyway, I don't like not knowing! Now get out there and dig up some dirt!
What's this?
My homework!
You've been out of school for three years!
It's... late?
My own son, plotting to overthrow me? Very commendable! I didn't know you had it in you!
I'm not supposed to have visitors!
We're not visitors. We're liberators!
What Melissa wants to talk about Bert is…our private time.
Our private time? But Ralph, I love our private time! Why I even love our private time when Melissa is with us too!
I'm not afraid of anything! I even go to sleep without a nightlight!
If you can’t make it on your own, then you can’t make it! And that’s the way you’ve got to make it in this world Cedric. Alone!
(Cyril sets off a trap which causes a boulder to roll down the hill to stop Bert getting up the mountain)
I built this stuff into the mountain twenty years ago, and it still works!
(The boulder rebounds off the curved trunk of a tree just before it reaches Bert, and is sent flying back towards Cyril and the pigs)
POPig One
Unfortunately sir, but...
PTPig Two
That tree wasn't there...
TWENTY YEARS AGO!
(About Bert) What? He's still coming? He must be a cat in a raccoon skin suit!
POPig One
This is the secret we've been protecting!?
(The pigs laugh)
You find something funny about a Sneer that gave away all his money?
No sir! No sir!
A Sneer who gave everything away to charity? This statue is an embarrassment to me! It could ruin my image forever!
POPig One
But sir, why don't you just destroy it?
Destroy it?!?
PTPig Two
Oh yes sir, destroy it!
On top of by being quiet, humble, generous and kind, I also always keep my word.
FCFlashback of Cyril's Uncle
Promise me!
I suggest you do the same.
Yes sir.
Because if one breath ever gets out about this, it'll be kicking you off of the 50 yard line at next year's Superbowl! Is that clear?
Yes sir!
POPig One
Your secret's safe with us sir!
PTPig Two
Our lips are sealed!
So's your fate! Now get this eyesore where no one will ever find it!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Raccoons pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.