Kelly Kapoor is our dusky, exotic customer service rep. And once a year, she will contact our clients and find out how happy they are with our salespeople. Sort of a Kapoor's List. Schindler's List parody. ...That's not appropriate, no.
S5 E7Customer Survey
S5 E8Business Trip
Pam comes back from New York next week. And everyone here has just been so excited for me, and involved, and intrusive, and weird.
[Interrupting Jim and Pam's kiss in the parking lot] You're back.
Uh, yeah.
Good. [hands Pam a stack of papers] I need you to make five copies of these.
I'm not going inside.
Alright, first thing in the morning then.
[to Pam] Welcome back.
S5 E9Frame Toby
I learned a while back that if I don't text 911, people will not return my calls. Uhhm, but now people always return my calls because they think that something horrible has happened.
What is my perfect crime? I break into Tiffany's at midnight. Do I go for the vault? No, I go for the chandelier, it's priceless. As I'm taking it down, a woman catches me. She tells me to stop. It's her father's business; she's Tiffany. I say no. We make love all night. In the morning the cops come, and I escape in one of their uniforms. I tell her to meet me in Mexico, but I go to Canada – I don't trust her. Besides, I like the cold. Thirty years later, I get a postcard: I have a son, and he's the chief of police. This is where the story gets interesting. I tell Tiffany to meet me in Paris, by the Trocadéro. She's been waiting for me all these years, she's never taken another lover. I don't care. I don't show up. I go to Berlin. That's where I stashed the chandelier.
Toby works here again.
Oh, can you imagine?
Oh no. You don't know.
I don't know. What?
You should probably just meander back there; take a look. See if he's... See if he's back.
Dare I? [chuckles] You know what, I'm going to, for old time's sake.
[Michael walks to the annex and stands in Toby's cubicle, wondering that Toby isn't there.]
Great practical joke, Jim. Got me to go to the annex.
[He turns around and sees Toby standing at his desk.]
Hey, Michael--
[visibly horrified] NOOOO, GOD! No, God, please, no! No! NO! [a short pause] NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
I tried to talk to Toby and be his friend, but that is like trying to be friends with an evil snail.
[Toby discovers that Michael and Dwight planted caprese salad in his drawer in an attempt to have him arrested for drug possession]
You must feel pretty good about yourself right now.
I didn't put caprese salad in my drawer, Michael. Did you?
Since when is it illegal to put caprese salad anywhere?
You know but the police could have been out there you know, catching real criminals instead of here searching my stuff.
Are you kidding me? Are you kidding me, that's who you're worried about? You're... you're worried about the cop's time? You think I framed you, and you're worried about the taxpayer? Dah, GOD! [scoffs] Welcome back, jerky jerk-face.
S5 E10The Surplus
Why don't you explain this to me like I'm five.
Your mommy and daddy give you ten dollars to open up a lemonade stand. So you go out and you buy cups and you buy lemons and you buy sugar. And now you find out that it only costs you nine dollars.
Ho-oh!
So you have an extra dollar.
Yeah.
So you can give that dollar back to mommy and daddy, but guess what? Next summer...
I'll be six.
What's that smell?
You're going to need to be more specific.
It's manure. Dwight, you need to get the manure out of here.
Manure covers up the smell of the slaughterhouse.
You're going to slaughter animals on our wedding day?
You want to eat, don't you?
S5 E11Moroccan Christmas
Oh I don't think it's blackmail. Angela just does what I ask her to do so I won't tell everyone that she's cheating on Andy with Dwight. I think for it to be blackmail, it would have to be a formal letter.
As it turns out, you can't just check someone into rehab against their will. They have to do it voluntarily. They have to hit rock bottom. So I think I know what I need to do at this point. I need to find ways to push Meredith to the bottom. Um. I think I can do it. I did it with Jan.
[Dwight sees that his desk, chair, and other belongings have been gift wrapped by Jim]
What is this?
Happy holidays, Dwight. But do not open it till Christmas.
You're so pathetic. How long did this take you? Three hours?
Five minutes actually. I am a black belt in gift wrapping.
Yeah, no such thing. They don't give out black belts for things that are stupid. [scoffs] Well, I hope it was worth it, cause I'm gonna take it apart in about five minutes.
I think it'll take you a little bit longer than that.
Really? If I can skin a mule deer in less than ten minutes, I ought to be able to cut my—[sets briefcase on desk and sits in chair, which both break, causing Dwight to fall over]
S5 E12The Duel
My philosophy is basically this. And this is something that I live by. And I always have. And I always will. Don't ever, for any reason, do anything to anyone, for any reason, ever, no matter what. No matter... where. Or who, or who you are with, or, or where you are going, or... or where you've been... ever. For any reason, whatsoever... [In an interview] Sometimes I'll start a sentence and I don't even know where it's going. I just hope I find it along the way. Like an improv conversation. An Improversation.
[Having been backed up against a hedge by Andy in his Prius] Get out and face me like a man!
I AM A MAN! I'm a bigger man than you will ever be! I would never sleep with another man's fiance!
You're not a man! You don't know how to take care of her! All you do is dress fancy and sing. [mockingly] A-la-la-la-la-la-la! What does that mean? You can't even protect her!
Protect her from what? Bears, you idiot?! When's the last time you saw a damn bear in Scranton?
Last year, idiot.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Office (US) pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.