Okay, okay, okay. Why don't we just put this to a vote, and then we'll be done with it.
I'm not voting.
No one cares.
S5 E13Prince Family Paper
Your heart is a wonderful thing, Michael. But it has made some terrible decisions.
That is true.
Yes.
That is true. We have gone down the wrong path many, many times.
Yeah.
Jan...Ryan.
S5 E14Stress Relief
[yelling] The fire is shooting at us!
Did I want to come back? No, but I don't have enough money to retire and I'm too old to get another job. I feel like I'm working in my casket.
I think I'm basically a good person. But I am going to try to make him cry.
How could you possibly think this was a good idea?
Many ideas were not appreciated in their time.
Electricity.
Shampoo.
[regarding Pam's father] What did he say? Is it my fault?
Yeah. He said that you told him how much you love me. About how you feel when I walk in a room. And about how you've never doubted for a second that I'm the woman you want to spend the rest of your life with. I guess he's never felt that way about my mom, even at their best.
You okay?
Yeah. [Cut to talking head] When you're a kid, you assume your parents are soulmates. My kids are going to be right about that.
[lights up a cigarette that he then throws into a trash bin which catches fire] Today, smoking is gonna save lives.
[to the panicking colleagues during the fire drill] Use the surge of fear and adrenaline to sharpen your decision-making!
[Michael fails to resuscitate the dummy after he and his coworkers break out in song and dance to Stayin' Alive]
Okay, he's dead. Anyone know what we do next? Anybody? Rose?
RRose
I have no idea.
Anyone else?
We bury him.
Wrong! Ehhh! Check for an organ donor card. If he has one, we only have minutes to harvest.
He has no wallet. I checked.
He is an organ donor.
He is! [to Stanley] Get me some ice and a styrofoam bucket. [unsheathes a dagger strapped to his leg] Here we go!
[Dwight stabs the dummy in the chest and slices open its torso]
Oh my God! Dwight!
Dwight!
What are you doing?!
We search for the organs! Where's the heart? The precious heart?
I'm not feeling well. I need to sit down.
I just had some thoughts that I wanted to share with you people.
What?
Well, I wrote them down so I wouldn’t forget. [clears throat] Jim, you’re 6’11”, and you weigh 90 pounds. Gumby has a better body than you. Boom. Roasted. Dwight, you’re a kiss ass. Boom. Roasted. Pam, you failed art school. Boom. Roasted. Meredith, you’ve slept with so many guys you’re starting to look like one. Boom. Roasted. Kevin, I can’t decide between a fat joke and a dumb joke. Boom. Roasted. Creed, your teeth called. Your breath stinks. Boom. Roasted. Angela, where’s Angela? Well, there you are. I didn’t see you behind that grain of rice. Boom. Roasted. Stanley, you crush your wife during sex and your heart sucks. Boom. Roasted.
[Stanley starts laughing]
Oscar, you are…[starts giggling] Oscar [chuckles], you’re gay.
Wow.
Andy, Cornell called. They think you suck. And you’re gayer than Oscar. Boom. Roasted.
[Stanley laughs hysterically]
S5 E16Lecture Circuit (Part 1)
I hate the idea that someone out there hates me. I even hate thinking that al-Qaeda hates me. [pause] I think if they got to know me, they wouldn't hate me. But, Karen knows me, and she still hates me.
Are you kidding?
Well, I'm not done yet.
Dwight, this fits in the palm of my hand. You haven't blown them up enough. Why have you chosen brown and gray balloons?
They match the carpet.
What is that? [points to sign] "It is your birthday, period."
It's a statement of fact.
Not even an exclamation point?
This is more professional! It's not like she discovered a cure for cancer!
Are you trying to hurt my feelings? Because if so, you are succeeding. Fortunately, my feelings regenerate at twice the speed of a normal man's.
S5 E17Lecture Circuit (Part 2)
Actually, when I was seven, my dad took me to the Natural History Museum in New York. And we looked at fossils all day. And at the end of the day, he got me a little plastic triceratops. It was awesome.
That's cool. Hey, you know what's even cooler than triceratops? Every other dinosaur that ever existed.
Didn't see that one coming.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Office (US) pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.