Christine Campbell quotes from The New Adventures of Old Christine

Christine

[about her dry spell] Sex used to be my thing. God, in-fact senior year in high school I was a bit of a slut. That is what I was known for.

Christine

It's not a lesson party, it's a party... with a lesson.

Christine

Stripper boots! Those weren't stripper boots! I'll have you know those were hooker boots!

Ritchie

Why is everyone's car so much bigger than ours?

Christine

Because they don't believe in themselves.

Do we believe in ourselves?

Christine

[shrugs] Look at our car.

Richard

How's my little third-grader?

I look ridiculous in these clothes.

Richard

Yeah... you kinda do.

Christine

Richard, don't make this harder for me.

Richard

I'm sorry. [to Richie] Cool pants, is that Rayon?

Richard

Mind if I use your bathroom?

Christine

Oh.

Richard

I got to make a pit stop, not a full pit stop just an oil change. I'm going to pee.

Burton

You okay there?

Christine

Yeah, it's my new date-night underwear. It just got to fifth base.

Christine

Ritchie, we have talked about this. You're eight years old. We live in Los Angeles. You have to learn how to swim.

Ritchie

Why?

Christine

Because, honey, you can't keep going to pool parties telling people you're having your period.

Christine

Oh, come on, it hasn't been that bad, has it? I mean, didn't doing it in your car last week make you feel like a teenager?

Burton

Yeah, until I got home and I had to ice... everything.

Christine

No kidding, I got a bruise from knee to nipple.

Richard

It shouldn't be this difficult. I mean I said 'I love you' on our first date, and you said it back to me.

Christine

We had just seen Ghost. I would have told the movie-usher I loved him.

Richard

It's good to know our marriage was based on such a rock solid foundation.

Christine

It worked out pretty good... except for the divorce.

Matthew

What's going on?

Christine

Nate just said the "F" word.

Matthew

So? You say that word all the time; you said it three times in the car on the way over here.

Christine

No, the other "F" word--the gay one.

What are the families like?

Christine

Great families--very involved.

But would you describe them as having good values?

Christine

"Good values?" Oh, definitely, great values, I mean just like us.

Good, cause our last school had way too many fags.

Christine

Are you saying that the divorce was my fault?

It wouldn't be ethical of me to tell you that.

Christine

Was it anyone's fault?

Yes.

Christine

Was it Richard's fault?

No.

Christine

Sir, uh, I'm sorry, let me just explain to you my situation. Okay, my nine-year-old is in there with his father and his new girlfriend, and there's a very strong possibility that he's gonna let him go to the bathroom on his own.

I'm so sorry. I didn't, I didn't know. We keep two emergency tickets available for situations like this. Is the fourth row okay?

Christine

That would be great.

OK, uh let me just get those for you. [looking questioningly around the booth] Where do we keep them? Duh, they're right here! [he reaches up and slams the window blind shut in her face]

Christine

He's not getting the tickets?

Matthew

Uh, no, sweetie, he's not.

Christine

Do you ever let your armpit hair grow, just to see how long it can get?

Ew, no. Do you?

Christine

Nooo...