Mindy Lahiri quotes from The Mindy Project

Mindy

If you are not living your authentic self, what even was the point of Glee?

Mindy

Doing cocaine once doesn't make someone a cokehead. Don't jump to conclusions. I hit a bicyclist once with my car, does it make me a murderer? I have no idea, I drove off.

Mindy

So, you delivered my patient.

Danny

You're welcome. May I say, you look great.

Mindy

Sorry Danny. I didn't have time to get dolled up for you. 'Cause I was kinda busy freeing myself from wrongful imprisonment.

Danny

Wrongful, my God, do you think they'll ever catch the real drunk girl that fell into the pool.

Mindy

Hilarious. But I guess it's not hilarious when you get arrested for assault at a Bruce Springsteen concert.

Danny

First of all, it's a Springsteen show. Not a Bruce Springsteen concert, you sound ignorant. Second of all, you don't show up at a Springsteen show wearing a John Cougar Mellencamp t-shirt unless you want to get punched in the face.

Mindy

How did I get in the Springsteen/Mellencamp conversation again?

Jeremy

Leave her alone, Danny. She's had a rough night.

Danny

Whose fault is that?

Jeremy

Everyone loses it at weddings, they're designed to exploit our sentimental side.

Mindy

Thank you. I agree with that.

Jeremy

I can't recall a wedding where I didn't end up in the arms of some woman I met that night, and not because she was vulnerable, because I was.

Danny

You know, I used to think that sex addiction was made up by male celebrities, but now I think it's real.

Jeremy

That's not cool. Yes. Yeah, I love sex. I do it a lot, I do it well, but I'm not addicted to it. I'm addicted to attention.

Mindy

That is so interesting.

Danny

Listen, I'm all for lonely people making connections, but this is the doctors lounge, not the wooded area behind the highway rest stop, all right? I mean really, guys! I hate that I can't read the newspaper in here anymore.

Jeremy

Yeah, we get it, Danny. You read the newspaper, you're so much smarter than us.

Mindy

We get it, Danny, you're so much smarter than us.

Danny

I am though, I'm smarter than you.

Mindy

Hey, you two. Quick question. Do you care about my career and want me to succeed?

Betsy

More than anything in the world.

Mindy

Okay, well if that is the case, why are you sending me non-English speaking, pregnant, immigrants with no health insurance, with literally burkahs and stuff?

I thought she might be rich with oil money.

Mindy

Well, she wasn't. She was poor with nothing money.

Well, why wouldn't you just tell her no?

Mindy

Because I am not good at saying no. Okay? One time I left a flea market with a samurai sword. I just need a different kind of patient.

Betsy

More white patients, done. [starts writing it down]

Mindy

Well don't write that. [whispers] But yes.

Danny

[watching When Harry Met Sally] Who would actually do that? Billy, don't run! Just- It's New Years, just go out and get laid, man.

Mindy

Danny, honestly, what is your problem?

Danny

What's my problem? What's his problem? I'd be pissed off if I was Meg Ryan and some guy interrupted my New Years Eve like that. I'd be like, "Hey man, I'm just trying to party with my friends and kiss some strangers at midnight. Leave me alone. What are you doing here?"

Mindy

Never speak for Meg Ryan again!

Danny

I'm assuming your date was cancelled.

Mindy

Maybe I won't get married, you know? Maybe I'll do one of those Eat, Pray, Love things. Ugh, no I don't want to pray. Forget it, I'll just die alone.

Danny

So who's the guy?

Mindy

He was perfect, Danny. He was handsome, he had a job, he was exactly seven inches taller than me, which you know is very important to me.

Danny

Was he a man?

Mindy

What do you mean? Yeah, of course he was a man.

Danny

No, I mean, like, was he a MAN?

Mindy

Danny, don't just repeat it and expect me to understand what you're saying.

Danny

Was this the kinda guy who, if he heard glass breaking in the middle of the night, is he gonna jump out of bed, and say "stay here," and look through the house naked with a baseball bat, or is he gonna hide under the covers with you?

Mindy

I don't know, that's a good question.

Danny

Is this the kinda guy who is gonna get grossed out when you give birth, or is her gonna dry your forehead and tell you you look beautiful while all of that disgusting stuff is coming out of you.

Mindy

I couldn't glean that from this one date we had.

Danny

Is this the kinda guy that's not afraid to get into a fistfight at a Springsteen show because someone really disrespects him? And he'll just put it out...

Mindy

Okay, okay.

Danny

And he'll take 'em down right there, right now?

Mindy

You're just talking about yourself.

Mindy

[narrating] Like anyone who goes to the bookstore, I wasn't there to buy books. I do that on the internet at, like, 50% off and free shipping and no tax. [out loud] Oh, my God, $28.95 for a book? [narrating] But luckily, this time, I made an exception, because if there's one thing that I can never resist, it's a good tote bag. [to guy in bookstore] Hey, are you gonna buy that book?

I was thinking about it.

Mindy

I'm only asking because I have two books and you have one. So, if we combine them, I could get a tote bag.

But why wouldn't I get the free tote bag?

Mindy

'Cause you're a guy. What do you need a tote bag for?

I can store all my tote bags I don't use in it.

[on which tote bag to get] Shall we go with Shakespeare?

Mindy

No. no. I don't support Shakespeare. I heard a story that he didn't write any of his plays. He made his butler write them, and then he took all the credit.

So you're saying the butler did it?

Danny

What a nightmare. Four different stops just to ask you out? I mean, how much time does this guy have on his hands? Sounds like a bum.

Mindy

Uh, that's rude. And it's not true.

Danny

Why?

Mindy

Because he does have a job. Guys, he's an architect. [Betsy and Shauna gasp]

Danny

Ugh. An architect? I mean, come on. No one's really an architect. I mean, that's a job that guys have in the movies.

Mindy

Well, call me Reese Witherspoon, 'cause I'm going on a date with an architect tonight.

Danny

I can't believe you're tattling. She's tattling.

Mindy

Uh, tattling is when a little girl does it. When a hot woman does it, it's called "whistle-blowing."

Danny

Mrs. Hutton, what is your feeling about birthday celebrations in the office?

Well, when you get to be my age, young man, you really start to appreciate them.

Danny

See, I disagree with that.

Mindy

You disagree with her feeling?

Danny

A birthday's not an achievement. Everyone has a birthday- Serial killers, rapists.

Mindy

I'm sorry. So she likes her birthday and now she's a serial killer?

Danny

That's just the way the calendar works. If a guy didn't have a birthday, now, that would be interesting.

Mindy

I'm sorry, Danny, she's a million years old. Let her enjoy her birthday.

Danny

What do you mean, you have a sex tape of me?

Jeremy

So you found the tape of me?

Mindy

Well, well, well. Looks like you guys do check your emails. You are busted! I sent you an email late Saturday night with a subject heading, "answer A.S.A.P." Didn't hear from either of you.

I did not set them up! They met at our "Doors of Greenwich, Connecticut Tour", which if memory serves, you referred to as "Honkey-Palooza."

Mindy

That is... hilarious. But I don't think that I said that.

Your date with Dennis did not go well, you said so yourself.

Mindy

Gwen, I am my own worst credit, you know that. Remember that time I went to karaoke and everyone was like "Mindy, you are like a really good singer, you should do this professionally" and I was like "No, I'm a doctor!"?

Mindy

I'm having lunch with him at one.

Fine, I'll be there.

Mindy

You have class.

Yeah, "The History of Dubstep."