Peter Prentice quotes from The Mindy Project

Peter

We got a crydaddy. I'm on it... Here's what we're gonna do. We'll take a deep breath, and we're gonna go from zone to man-to-man, and we're gonna get over there and have a baby.

Peter

I don't want to say that we are the new unofficial mayors of the Oneida Indian Moon Resort and Casino, because then I'd be repeating what it says on my t-shirt! [reveals t-shirt under labcoat] These things are free! They give them to you when you lose over $5000.

Peter

If a girl doesn't respond to me immediately, that means she's either stuck up, dead, or living in an elevator--all three of which are deal breakers.

Peter

[Danny walks in his office] What's that I hear, the g-g-g-ghost of someone who's dead to me?!

Peter

So you went on a coffee date with a loser. All coffee dates are with losers.

Mindy

He was just too nice. And I'm too nice and I can't break it off with him. I'm probably gonna marry him.

Peter

Mindy, the reason you can't break it off with him is not because you're too nice.

Mindy

Excuse me?

Peter

I saw you bring a girl to tears because she asked it you were registered to vote.

Mindy

I have been asked that a million times and the answer's always the same—I don't know!

Peter

Mindy, you deserve someone great, or at least someone kind of rich, or at least someone fun, probably gay.

Mindy

My kingdom for a gay husband.

Peter

Do you know any loose, funky-tooth, British chicks?

Jeremy

Droves.

Peter

Okay, I don't know what that word means but, can you set me up with one of them? I am done with American chicks, man. They're all boring and they've all told each other about me online.

Jeremy

Ugh, fine. Me and some of my Cambridge chumps are playing celebrity tonight, why don't you join.

Peter

I'm sick at celebrity! Who am I doing now? [nothing about his expression changes]

Jeremy

[after a moment gasps] Oh my god, Billie Jean King!

Peter

Exactly. [they high-five]

Peter

What's the most valuable thing in the world to you? The thing that you treasure above all else?

Mindy

My signed photo of Kris Jenner.

Peter

Do you ever not know exactly where that is or exactly what it's doing?

Mindy

No, that thing's locked behind plate glass in my--That son of a--!

Jeremy

Peter, we used to be such good chums.

Peter

We did use to share a work toothbrush.

Jeremy

We did?

Beverly

Yeah, we all did!

Peter

We did?

Mindy

I'm actually happy that Danny's gone, 'cause I'm his secret Santa and I don't know what to get him.

Peter

Golf balls.

Mindy

No, that's for white people; Danny's Italian.

Morgan

Meatballs.

Mindy

No, I'll just eat them.

Peter

So the girl Danny picked for me is dating you, but thinks you're me?

Morgan

Yes! It only took you twenty minutes to understand that. Please, help me!

Peter

I'm fighting two urges here: Date a smart, beautiful woman I have earned through self-improvement, or help a bro get a girl by lying.

Morgan

You should know we slept together.

Peter

She's all yours, Morgan.

Morgan

Thank you, Peter.

Peter

I saw Henry and Lauren for about an hour or two, then they saw me and I ran away.

Mindy

You know what? It's only stalking if it doesn't work. You make her love you!