Morgan Tookers quotes from The Mindy Project

Morgan

Shulman and Associates is not like a family. I was the only one who came to Betsy's Easter egg hunt.

Morgan

I've been dumped 36 times in my life....I was left at the altar 3 times. Two different women faked their own deaths to get away from me. The point is, you can't force yourself to get over someone. But it'll happen.

Morgan

Of all the times I have been abandoned at a celebrity pet grave, this is the most hurtful!

[on the phone] Hey, Carlo, it's Shauna. I need to add a plus one at the club on Friday night. It's my boss, sort of a make-a-wish thing. Ciao. [hangs up]

Morgan

Shauna, are you going to a club with Dr. L?

Oh, you can't come, Morgan.

Morgan

Look, you need me to come. I have these amazing pills.

Oh, God.

Morgan

Hold on. If you put one in your drink, it counteracts the effect of a roofie. The only problem is, if you're not already roofied, the pills have very roofie-like side effects.

Danny

So basically, your pill's a roofie.

Morgan

No! Why does everyone say that? It roofies the roofie.

Morgan

One time to get a girl back, I drove a motorcycle through a flaming hoop.

Betsy

Who wouldn't marry a guy who has his own flaming hoop?

Morgan

[as if she's dumb] No, I borrowed the hoop, from my friend.

Danny

[to Morgan] You're fired.

Mindy

What?!

Morgan

No. I did something unthinkable.

Danny

He did.

Morgan

Gotta pay the ultimate price. One week suspension with pay.

Morgan

What about when you're kidnapped? You would never make it as a sex slave. You're too ticklish. [tickles Mindy]

Mindy

Hehehe [whacks Morgan with purse] stop it! I would be a fantastic sex slave.

Mindy

I don't understand why you're a doctor, you could be a model. Anybody can be a doctor.

I actually did think about being a model, until I was scouted and then I became a model.

Morgan

It's interesting, actually, the same thing kinda happened to me--

Mindy

No it didn't, it didn't.

OK, Mr. Tookers. I'm going to be billing you for the hours I have wasted on this.

Morgan

I have no money. And I will not pay.

Yana was runner up Miss Universe this year.

Morgan

Oh, my God! That's how I know you! You were so good in the interview. My favorite hobby is also activities.

Morgan

Oh my God, Dr. L spotted the coffee cake, get out of the way we are bowling pins in her path!

Mindy

What? I don't want coffee cake, I'm still full from that chia seed I had last night.

Betsy

Oh no, I made an entire extra cake just for you, [scared] like you demand.

Mindy

I'm actually happy that Danny's gone, 'cause I'm his secret Santa and I don't know what to get him.

Peter

Golf balls.

Mindy

No, that's for white people; Danny's Italian.

Morgan

Meatballs.

Mindy

No, I'll just eat them.

Peter

So the girl Danny picked for me is dating you, but thinks you're me?

Morgan

Yes! It only took you twenty minutes to understand that. Please, help me!

Peter

I'm fighting two urges here: Date a smart, beautiful woman I have earned through self-improvement, or help a bro get a girl by lying.

Morgan

You should know we slept together.

Peter

She's all yours, Morgan.

Morgan

Thank you, Peter.

Morgan

Now Dr. K's treating me like family. He took me on his boat! No one has ever done that and brought me back.

Mindy

You cannot keep a Southern family's gay secret for personal gain. What, are you in a Tennessee Williams play?! [pause] Whoa, am I smart?

You know, I think Eric got his blue eyes from someone on Danny's side of the family.

Morgan

Huh, yeah, probably. There's just one little problem with your theory, lady....That man's fiancee had me dig through his geneology to find out if there was any chance that she could have blue-eyed children. And I still have the scratch marks from when I told her it was impossible.