Danny Castellano quotes from The Mindy Project

Danny

Castellano men express their feelings through fighting or dancing. It's either the fist or the foot.

Mindy

So, you delivered my patient.

Danny

You're welcome. May I say, you look great.

Mindy

Sorry Danny. I didn't have time to get dolled up for you. 'Cause I was kinda busy freeing myself from wrongful imprisonment.

Danny

Wrongful, my God, do you think they'll ever catch the real drunk girl that fell into the pool.

Mindy

Hilarious. But I guess it's not hilarious when you get arrested for assault at a Bruce Springsteen concert.

Danny

First of all, it's a Springsteen show. Not a Bruce Springsteen concert, you sound ignorant. Second of all, you don't show up at a Springsteen show wearing a John Cougar Mellencamp t-shirt unless you want to get punched in the face.

Mindy

How did I get in the Springsteen/Mellencamp conversation again?

Jeremy

Leave her alone, Danny. She's had a rough night.

Danny

Whose fault is that?

Jeremy

Everyone loses it at weddings, they're designed to exploit our sentimental side.

Mindy

Thank you. I agree with that.

Jeremy

I can't recall a wedding where I didn't end up in the arms of some woman I met that night, and not because she was vulnerable, because I was.

Danny

You know, I used to think that sex addiction was made up by male celebrities, but now I think it's real.

Jeremy

That's not cool. Yes. Yeah, I love sex. I do it a lot, I do it well, but I'm not addicted to it. I'm addicted to attention.

Mindy

That is so interesting.

Danny

Listen, I'm all for lonely people making connections, but this is the doctors lounge, not the wooded area behind the highway rest stop, all right? I mean really, guys! I hate that I can't read the newspaper in here anymore.

Jeremy

Yeah, we get it, Danny. You read the newspaper, you're so much smarter than us.

Mindy

We get it, Danny, you're so much smarter than us.

Danny

I am though, I'm smarter than you.

Danny

[watching When Harry Met Sally] Who would actually do that? Billy, don't run! Just- It's New Years, just go out and get laid, man.

Mindy

Danny, honestly, what is your problem?

Danny

What's my problem? What's his problem? I'd be pissed off if I was Meg Ryan and some guy interrupted my New Years Eve like that. I'd be like, "Hey man, I'm just trying to party with my friends and kiss some strangers at midnight. Leave me alone. What are you doing here?"

Mindy

Never speak for Meg Ryan again!

Danny

I'm assuming your date was cancelled.

Mindy

Maybe I won't get married, you know? Maybe I'll do one of those Eat, Pray, Love things. Ugh, no I don't want to pray. Forget it, I'll just die alone.

Danny

So who's the guy?

Mindy

He was perfect, Danny. He was handsome, he had a job, he was exactly seven inches taller than me, which you know is very important to me.

Danny

Was he a man?

Mindy

What do you mean? Yeah, of course he was a man.

Danny

No, I mean, like, was he a MAN?

Mindy

Danny, don't just repeat it and expect me to understand what you're saying.

Danny

Was this the kinda guy who, if he heard glass breaking in the middle of the night, is he gonna jump out of bed, and say "stay here," and look through the house naked with a baseball bat, or is he gonna hide under the covers with you?

Mindy

I don't know, that's a good question.

Danny

Is this the kinda guy who is gonna get grossed out when you give birth, or is her gonna dry your forehead and tell you you look beautiful while all of that disgusting stuff is coming out of you.

Mindy

I couldn't glean that from this one date we had.

Danny

Is this the kinda guy that's not afraid to get into a fistfight at a Springsteen show because someone really disrespects him? And he'll just put it out...

Mindy

Okay, okay.

Danny

And he'll take 'em down right there, right now?

Mindy

You're just talking about yourself.

Danny

What a nightmare. Four different stops just to ask you out? I mean, how much time does this guy have on his hands? Sounds like a bum.

Mindy

Uh, that's rude. And it's not true.

Danny

Why?

Mindy

Because he does have a job. Guys, he's an architect. [Betsy and Shauna gasp]

Danny

Ugh. An architect? I mean, come on. No one's really an architect. I mean, that's a job that guys have in the movies.

Mindy

Well, call me Reese Witherspoon, 'cause I'm going on a date with an architect tonight.

Danny

I can't believe you're tattling. She's tattling.

Mindy

Uh, tattling is when a little girl does it. When a hot woman does it, it's called "whistle-blowing."

Danny

Mrs. Hutton, what is your feeling about birthday celebrations in the office?

Well, when you get to be my age, young man, you really start to appreciate them.

Danny

See, I disagree with that.

Mindy

You disagree with her feeling?

Danny

A birthday's not an achievement. Everyone has a birthday- Serial killers, rapists.

Mindy

I'm sorry. So she likes her birthday and now she's a serial killer?

Danny

That's just the way the calendar works. If a guy didn't have a birthday, now, that would be interesting.

Mindy

I'm sorry, Danny, she's a million years old. Let her enjoy her birthday.

Danny

What do you mean, you have a sex tape of me?

Jeremy

So you found the tape of me?

Mindy

Well, well, well. Looks like you guys do check your emails. You are busted! I sent you an email late Saturday night with a subject heading, "answer A.S.A.P." Didn't hear from either of you.

[on the phone] Hey, Carlo, it's Shauna. I need to add a plus one at the club on Friday night. It's my boss, sort of a make-a-wish thing. Ciao. [hangs up]

Morgan

Shauna, are you going to a club with Dr. L?

Oh, you can't come, Morgan.

Morgan

Look, you need me to come. I have these amazing pills.

Oh, God.

Morgan

Hold on. If you put one in your drink, it counteracts the effect of a roofie. The only problem is, if you're not already roofied, the pills have very roofie-like side effects.

Danny

So basically, your pill's a roofie.

Morgan

No! Why does everyone say that? It roofies the roofie.

Danny

How many best friends from college do you have?

Mindy

Best friend isn't a person Danny, it's a tier.

Danny

What about the ads in the diner placemats?

Mindy

They shut that place down for human trafficking.

Danny

Ugh.

Mindy

I know, so sad. I loved their pork chops.

Mindy

We hooked up once... And then a couple more times. But then only once.

Danny

Ok, you guys are sneaking around behind my back! You with an enemy of the practice! What do you do? Do you make fun of my piano playing?

Mindy

Why would that come up?

Danny

It comes up!

Mindy

I like your piano playing.

Danny

Oh come on Mindy, please! My piano playing sucks!

Danny

[to Morgan] You're fired.

Mindy

What?!

Morgan

No. I did something unthinkable.

Danny

He did.

Morgan

Gotta pay the ultimate price. One week suspension with pay.

What do you think I discovered on your browser history?

Danny

What's a browser history?

Jeremy

It's a list of all the sites you visited.

Danny

Oh no.