Howard Moon quotes from The Mighty Boosh

Howard

Tommy was a dreamer. We all dream ... but do we really dream?

Vince

Yeah. We do.

Howard

Yeah, but do we really dream?

Vince

Yeah, we do. What's your point?

Vince

You've got to accept it, Howard. We all die.

Howard

We all die, but do we really die?

Vince

What is that?

Howard

Something Tommy taught me. Never stop questioning the nature of reality.

Vince

I know you're questioning the nature of reality, but are you really questioning it?

Howard

Now you're getting it.

Vince

I am getting it ... but am I really getting it?

Howard

That's enough now.

Vince

It is enough, but is it really enough?

Howard

[Singing] ...where are you now Tommy.

Vince

He's dead.

Howard

He's not dead.

Vince

He is dead, he fell in the ocelot pit everyone knows that.

Howard

They never found his body?

Vince

They never found his body? They munched him down like an old Twix.

Fossil

[Rubs nipple] What do you know about Tommy, Tommy's dead.

Howard

They never found Tommy's body, so under zoo regulation 409 subsection C, he's technically still the owner of the zoo and you can't sell it. Thanks.

Fossil

Oh yeah, well let me show you something, this is a contract, it said that Tommy owned the zoo, but in the event of his disappearance, after ten years, it reverts back to Bainbridge. Suck on that subsection.

Vince

Do you remember when that llama got out? He went awol, he went crazy. Started HOOFIN' the public. Do you remember? Oh he was out there HOOFIN' doctors HOOFIN' Vicars, he got in the gift shop, put a false moustache on, a little girl came in and went "can I have a pencil top" HOOOOF! Haha, hoofed her out the shop. No one could get near that llama, but you Howard. You got off with it...

Howard

...Yeah, it's one of the few ways to calm a llama down.

[Has a brown layer of skin around his head making him look like a conker]

Vince

I bet you have...

Hmm?...

Howard

So, er... just wanna say that erm it's great to have you on the show, great to be working with you. I'm really really looking forward to working with you and just working and being with you and things.

Thanks, well I'll go and get warmed up.

Howard

Alright, O.K

Vince

Why don't you go and put your head in some vinegar...?

Vince

This is the best job in the zoo: Millet distribution.

Howard

Something wrong with you, you know that don't you?

Vince

What do you mean?

Howard

Well you're always happy aren't you, everything's fun for you. Huh? You see a peanut? The day's of to a good start. You witness some soil? It's a jamboree for Vince Noir. I need something more

Vince

I think it's this poncho, I mean it's impossible to be unhappy in a poncho. I'm gonna get a sombrero as well. Image that: A poncho-sombrero combo, I'll be off my tits on happiness.

Vince

I write novels. They're Charlie books.

Howard

They're Charlie books?

Vince

Yeah.

Howard

What, that pink shape that you draw?

Vince

Yeah. Charlie. Charlie is genius, right, he's made of a million pieces of old bubblegum. Imagine that. In the summer of 1976 on his way home from an Alice Cooper concert, Charlie started to melt onto the pavement. It was too hot in L.A, and he melted like a pink bitch. Luckily though, there was Eric Phillips, a local crocodile who dabbled in black magic. He took pity on Charlie and scraped him off the floor with a pair of fish slicers. He poured him into an antique soup ladle and boarded his magic carpet. Destination: Alaska. Eric Phillips decided to refreeze Charlie. but in his cold blooded, reptilian haste, he refroze him into the shape of a hoover. Charlie wasn't phased though, he just zoomed about the place sucking up Inuits. The Inuits didn't mind, they loved it in Charlie's pink, tight, warm belly pouch and they refused to come out. Charlie said "I'm cool with that" and set fire to a posh hammer to make it official. The downside was that the Inuits suffocated immediately; it was air tight in there. Charlie panicked and fired the tiny Inuit bullets into Eric's crocodile peepers. The green shape, was frozen. After a quick drink, Charlie stole Eric Phillips' magic carpet and left for Seattle. Charlie was racked with guilt, he'd just killed fifty Inuits, no one needs that. He decided to spend the rest of his life putting small hairstyles onto boots, monkey nuts, yrumpets and spanners.

Howard

That's not a novel, that's the scribblings of a retard.

Vince

They are novels, they're novelettes.

Howard

It's in crayon, you berk.

Vince

So what? I'm new school.

Howard

New school? I'm talking about books that are gonna get published.

Vince

Mine are published, I publish them myself.

Howard

You photocopy them and you leave them lying around supermarkets, inside Weetabix boxes. That's not published, is it?

Fossil

Well I got a problem with the black and white people at the zoo.

Howard

Who?

Fossil

You know, the black eyes Chinese people that eat sticks?

Howard

The pandas...

Fossil

[Doing impression of Howard] "Oh, I'm Howard Moon, I know how to read, I know all the animals names at the zoo" [Rubs Nipple] ...Yeah the pandas.

Who are you?

Howard

Howard Moon, I work here at the zoo.

Why do you have crumbs round your eyes?

Howard

Oh, that's just me and Vince, been playing, er, games... crumb eye, we have to get crumbs in, er, each others eyes... and erm, winner get a, rake. That's a good book. I like that book.

Oh have you read it?

Howard

Oh yeah, yeah twice I read it, erm once the original and then in the paperback. Really related to the character of erm, Jonathan, thought he was great.

The serial killer?

Howard

Yeah, I mean in as much as, you know, we've all, we can all relate to a killer, erm, I mean in our minds, we've all killed in our minds.

What are you talking about?

Howard

Well... as a writer it's erm, it's something that I, I have to do, I have to get involved in the darker side of the human psyche.

Vince

[Impersonating the wind] It was pretty good though wasn't it? Sounded exactly like the wind.

Howard

Yeah, and it was blowing a gale through my mind.

Vince

I can do other elements.

Howard

Can you really? Can you do fog...?

Vince

Howard?..Howard?...Howard?...Howard?..Howard?..Howard..Howard..Howard..Howard...Howard?..Howard. Howard.

Howard

This better be good.

Vince

You know the black bits in bananas, are they tarantula's eggs?

Howard

...Please don't speak to me ever again in your life.

Vince

What's your novel about?

Howard

It's about a genius who can't get anything done because of a monkey that keeps annoying him.

Vince

You've made a classic error.

Howard

Have I?

Vince

What you've done is you've focused in on the wrong character, yeah? Now, the monkey, I'm loving him, but the other guy, I'm getting nothing off him. He sounds like a dick.

Vince Noir

Sorry about earlier. I behaved like a tit. I was having problems coping with the stardom.

Howard Moon

Stardom? You've only been in the band since 10:30 this morning.

Vince Noir

Yeah, but you know: the lifestyle, the drugs...

Howard Moon

The drugs?

Vince Noir

Yeah, well, you know, the coffees. I've had three lattes, and an Americano. I'm blazin'!

Howard Moon

Ladies...

Vince Noir

Howard!

Howard Moon

Hi.

No way... not the simpleton!

Vince Noir

He's a musical genius!

Well, he better be. He looks like a paedophile.

Listen, boy. Have you ever had your scrotum pulled off by a mountain goat and seen him sell it on eBay a day later?

Howard

No.

Have you ever been rohypnolled by a swan and ended up in Cancun?

Howard

No.

Have you ever been to a key party with a herd of rhinos?

Howard

No.

Well, I have. And it ain't purdy!