The Hitcher quotes from The Mighty Boosh

[telling the story of his giant thumb] I didn't know what was happening, for days I was in a trance, but when I came to, there it was, like a fleshy maraca: a thumb of GIGANTIC proportions! "A miracle! A miracle!" I said. "You're a true wizard, how can I ever repay you!?" And he said to me "Five hundred euros". "FIVE HUNDRED EUROS!? YOU WON'T SEE PENNY ONE FROM ME, YOU SLAG!". And as I raised my thumb up to smash his tiny skull in, I could see in his little insect face, I could see him thinking "Oh, I created that monster! I created that thumb, and now it's killing me! My own beast and creation, killing me dead! The sweet irony!". I think he was saying that, although it was a long time ago, and in hindsight, he could've just been shitting himself!

"(Playing slap bass) Ohhh, you love it you slags!"

Alle-bleeding-luia! I knew it, boy! I had a strange feeling in the pit of me stomach when I woke up this morning. At first I thought it was the crab sticks, but now it all makes sense! The amulet, it's come back at last! When I get that amulet, and get to the Fountain of Youth, I'll rule the Universe, with an army of green bitches, marching and destroying everything in their cockney wake!

[in coconut form] Roll up, roll up! The coconut shy, everyone's a winner! One euro, that's all I'm asking! Grease my cockney palm, and you can throw balls to your hearts' content! Knock their murdering smiles right off their faces! I wanna see twisted bone and meat all over the back wall by the time I'm finished!

You enjoy that boy? Cockney urine all over your face?

Two hundred years inside that box! For crimes against humanity! That's right, ladies and gentlemen, I raped a dolphin. But technically it was a porpoise. But one blow-hole's the same as the next to me!

Ah, fuck it. [they continue to fight]

[singing] Trapped in a box by a cockney nutjob, have a cup of tea, have a cup of tea! I'm the Hitcher, let me put you in the picture, creeping in you room in the dead of night, with me solo polo vision!

That's right!

I'm a cockney geezer, watch me bleed ya! I knew the Ripper when he was just a nipper, I taught him how to slice, I cut him up a treat! Pound ya banana!

Two pound ya pear!

Pound ya banana!

Two pound ya pear!

Pound ya banana!

Two pound ya pear!

Fourteen shillings for your melons!

Oh yea! We're the Piper Twins! We're Jim and Jackie Piper! We cut through the night like a windscreen wip-ing you away, like raindrops, don't mess with the boys!

Shut yer noise! Coming in strong like a freakshow nightmare, dancing skeletons, white blue and yellow uns, moving through the shadows with the speed of a cat, and if you cross us, we'll cut ya!

And you ain't gonna like that!

I'm bad juju! I use voodoo if I chose to, to harness the forces of evil to abuse you! With power, a polo, an evil magnet, we're sucking out ya soul!

And you ain't gonna like that!

Howard

The tweed utility patch: scuffproof, weatherproof, even bulletproof, sir.

Are you bulletproof, boy?

Howard

... Don't know sir.

You'll never win, you know.

Oh, yeah? Why's that?

I taught you everything you know

You might have taught me everything I know, but you didn't teach me everything you know.

... What does that mean?