Howard Moon quotes from The Mighty Boosh

Vince

Where could she be? How do we find an old lady?

Howard

An old Comanche Indian saying; "The best place to hide a leaf is in the forest."

Vince

You think she's in the forest?

Vince

Howard? Do you think it's going to be all right?

Howard

No. We're going to die in the most horrific way known to man.

Vince

We had some good times though, didn't we?

Howard

Yeah... Remember the time we had that soup?

Vince

[Laughs] That was brilliant.

Soup, soup, a tasty soup, soup, a spicy carrot and coriander.

Vince

Chili chowder!

Crouton, crouton, crunchy friends in a liquid broth. I am gazpacho, oh, I am a summer soup, oh! Miso, miso! Fighting in the dojo, miso, miso! Oriental prince in the land of soup!

Vince

Ah, classic times.

Howard

Crazy days.

Some say he's half man, half fish. Others say its more of a 70/30 split. Whatever the percentage, he's one fishy bastard.

Some say he's a ghost; can't catch what don't exist... Hook goes right through him.

Some say he's acquired the taste of human meat, won't respond to conventional bait; only way to hook him is to use a child's toe.

The Moon

Some say Old Gregg is like a big fish finger, but big like, umm... like a garage. As big as a garage. Imagine a fish finger as big as a garage! Oooh, it's a big one!

What're you doing in my waters?

Howard Moon

Just taking the air, you know. Not fishing!

Then how come there's a hook in my head, fool?

Howard Moon

It's nothing to do with me, sir.

It's attached to your rod, motherlicker!

Howard Moon

[crying] Don't kill me! I've got so much to give!

Want to come to a club where people wee on each other?

Howard Moon

No!

Howard

Okay, we've got to pool our resources. Tweezers, matches, twine, geological hammer. What have you got?

Vince

Kings of Leon CD.

Howard

Great. Well, that's useless, isn't it?

Vince

It's not useless, it's a blinding album. Better than their first one, and they came up with it really quickly.

Howard

Thanks, NME. It's useless to us on a desert island though, isn't it?

Vince

Well, it does double up as a mirror. [stares at his reflection in the CD]

Howard

I've actually written a short piece whilst on the island called "Isolation." Perhaps I could play it now?

Vince

Maybe later, eh?.

Howard

Yeah, maybe later.

Vince

Maybe not at all.

Howard

... Yeah, maybe later.

Howard

The tweed utility patch: scuffproof, weatherproof, even bulletproof, sir.

Are you bulletproof, boy?

Howard

... Don't know sir.

Howard

What are you angry about?

Vince

Government.

Howard

Government? Ooohh.

Vince

And climate change.

Howard

Climate change?

Vince

It's getting hot, Howard. Haven't you noticed?

Howard

Why do you care about that? Because it makes your hair a little more difficult to straighten?

Vince

That, and it's a bit clammy.

Howard

Come on then, let's have it. Every day you're late and every day another crazy excuse. What is it this time? Lego avalanche trapped you, did it? Your pajamas turned into nitrogen and you got stuck on the ceiling of your bedroom? Giant kingfisher came into your room and pecked you under the duvet? Got your jodhpurs caught on a magic hedgehog? I write them down, you know. What is it? A scarecrow took you to Paris?

Vince

I just had a few things to do, that's all.

Howard

That's not funny. That's not even going in the book. That's awful.

Vince

Not everything has to be funny you know... sometimes life can take a serious turn, colours can fade to black.

Howard

Have you got my script?

Vince

All he needs now is a tall northern jazzy freak with a moustache and no dress sense.

Howard

Is this how you win people over?

Vince

Ah, look, I can't express myself like you! I haven't got a pencil case story! He's tryin' to drive a wedge between us, Howard! We've got history! We're like ying and yang!

Howard

Yeah, well, I'm not gonna take him up on his offer, you know. I don't need him. I've already got a shallow mate who dresses like a... futuristic prostitute.

Vince

[smiles] Thanks, Howard.

Lesson 49: Object Animation. What do you see in front of you?

Howard Moon

A pencil.

A pencil? No, no, no! Look, it's Niagara Falls, it's a seagull, it's cheese in the shape of a question mark! It's anything you bloody want it to be! You try!... Come on!

Howard Moon

I don't know what to do. I can't make it into anything else. It's just a pencil, you stupid old git!

Yes! You've found the truth! You're an actor now and I'm as hard as the cobra!

Vince

[as a Russian woman] Last time you gave me pie, I cut into it with my tiny pie-cutter, and millions of birds flew out, hitting me in the eyes and the temples! I was confused! 'Twas a trick pie!

Howard

Why you no like my pie?

Vince

I just told you.

Howard

Why you no like my pie?! AAAAHHHH!

Vince

Why you bring me pie?!

Howard

Why you no like?!

Vince

Every day, fucking pastry goods with you!

Vince

Howard Moon: Jazz Maverick, Novelist, Cyclist, Genre-Spanner, Rider of the Penny Farthing, Stamp Collector...

Howard

[Introducing Vince] Vince Noir; Electro... Poof!