Patrick Jane quotes from The Mentalist

Jane

Still here.

Charlotte

You're still tripping.

Jane

It would seem so.

Charlotte

You really shouldn't be driving. And you especially should not be driving an ambulance.

Jane

[looks around to see that he's actually in an ambulance] Well that was some strong tea...[sees Lisbon approaching] Oh-oh.

Lisbon

Now you're stealing an ambulance!

Jane

No! I'm just admiring the interior. Wicked GPS. How much you think one of these rigs goes for?

Lisbon

You need bed rest!

Jane

I need to go back to the crime scene.

Charlotte

What's her story? She have a boyfriend?

Jane

Be quiet.

Lisbon

I didn't say anything.

Jane

I was talking to the hallucination.

Lisbon

In bed. Now.

Jane

When I was in the victim's kitchen I made a break through in the case. At least I thought I did. That's about when the wacky tea kicked in.

Lisbon

Fine, I will have Van Pelt come down here with crime scene photos.

Jane

Not the same, I have to be there. Hallucinations are part of the subconscious, mine could be clues.

Lisbon

We'll go when you're lucid!

Jane

When I'm lucid I could forget everything. But right now, let me tell you, right now my visions are very very real.

Lisbon

In other words, you wanna use drugs to solve a case.

Jane

Some great minds did their best work on hallucinogens.

Lisbon

Now you have a great mind?

Charlotte

Uhuh! I like her!

Jane

Oh you're funny. Double act, huh?

Lisbon

Jane, you're scaring me.

Jane

Teresa, you can call me Patrick. Drugs is not the path I would choose, but it's been chosen for me, so I must stay the course. Please, I implore you, take me back to the crime scene.

Jane

Last thing I remember was admiring this beautiful butterfly right here.

Lisbon

Real or imagine?

Jane

Real, I think. Then I heard a bang in that pot there on the stove.

Lisbon

What was in the pot?

Jane

A rabbit.

Lisbon

Like that rabbit?

Jane

Yeah, just like that. But my rabbit was real with a diamond necklace.

Lisbon

That is some hallucinogen.

Charlotte

She's kinda cute. Have you guys ever..?

Jane

You be quiet.

Charlotte

I liked the other workshop better.

Jane

Shh.

Charlotte

This is dull. Why do you work for the CBI anyway?

Jane

You know why. To catch Red John.

Charlotte

Okay. Whatever.

Jane

What does that mean? "Okay. Whatever."?

Charlotte

Well to be honest your obsession is a little creepy and weird, you know.

Jane

What? I do it all for you. And your mom.

Charlotte

Yeah. I hate to be the one who breaks it to you dad, but... there's nothing that you can do for us. We don't give a damn what happens to Red John. I mean, we're dead. Gone. You need to start dealing with that.

Jane

I deal with that every day.

Charlotte

Maybe that's the problem.

Jane

Hang on, where are you going?

Charlotte

Hello? I'm practically a grown woman, I don't need to tell you where I'm going.

Jane

No, yeah, I-I know. You're coming back?

Charlotte

I love you dad.

Lisbon

Jane. Jane wake up.

Jane

Yeah. What's the time?

Lisbon

Eight.

Jane

Oh we have to get going!

Lisbon

Where?

Jane

I'll explain it all in the car.

Lisbon

No, you'll explain it now please.

Jane

Oh I like it when you get all authoritarian on me.

Lisbon

Talk. Where are we going?

Jane

Catch Ernie's killer.

Lisbon

How? We don't have anything on Hutten.

Jane

Hutten didn't kill Ernie.

Lisbon

He didn't?

Jane

Well, he robbed the bank alright, but he was telling the truth when he said he didn't need to shoot anyone. Why would he do that? It's sloppy, not his style.

Lisbon

Jane, I need more than that.

Jane

Remember the safe deposit vault was open during the robbery? I just assumed that someone took something from there, but I got it all backwards. They didn't get anything, they put something in there.

Lisbon

What?

Jane

You really want me to tell you? It's gonna ruin the surprise.

Lisbon

Yes, I don't like surprises.

Jane

Three guesses then. I'll give you a hint? It's not animal, or vegetable.

Jane

You know, these shoes are actually quite comfortable. They're growing on me.

Lisbon

Not on me.

Jane

No?

Excuse me, can I help you?

Jane

There was a man attached to this needle. Have you seen him?

Jane

You're gonna regret this someday.

Lisbon

What?

Jane

Well this, this paperwork. Every night you file it and forget it. You know what it's like? It's like cooking a beautiful meal and putting it straight into refrigerator, forever.

Lisbon

You could help.

Jane

No, I couldn't.

Lisbon

So, what's your report gonna say?

It will say that agent Risgby acted appropriately and with sound judgment when he used lethal force against Moss. Good work. You got away with it.

Jane

Me?

Well I can't make a case, but you chose a remote location for the meeting, you set up a situation in where Moss had to flee. And there, by chance, was Risgby.

Jane

Well, I'm flattered. You flatter me, but I can't take credit for that.

Lisbon

Moss didn't have to run, I would have brought him in.

The plan did require Moss to put his own head in the noose. Small gamble Jane had to make to keep everyone's hands clean.

Lisbon

Moss fired his gun!

So you all say. And, of course, Moss can't tell his version. And now Rigsby has taken perfectly legal revenge against the man who killed his father. You think it will effect him?

Jane

Well I think it's better to regret something you did than something you didn't do.

Perhaps. I suppose Rigsby will never know. Agent Lisbon, my report will reflect that you made a mistake in calling agent Rigsby on the scene. An error in judgment.

Lisbon

Yes sir, it was.

Jane

Yeah, Lisbon didn't call Rigsby. I did.

Lisbon

Jane!

Of course you did. Agent Lisbon, your instincts to protect your team are admirable, and your biggest flaw.

Jane

Yes, but we all have our flaws. Don't we, agent LaRoche?

Lisbon

What the hell are you doing Hannigan?!

Boss...

Lisbon

I told you to take him downstairs, not beat him up!

Sorry, okay? Sorry, I lost it.

Jane

No, no, it's fine, it's fine. My fault, my fault entirely. I provoked you.

Lisbon

God Hannigan, get him some ice!

Jane

I'm okay, I'm okay. Seriously, it's not his fault. I deserved it, okay?

Lisbon

He is supposed to act like a professional law officer all the times. Let's get you some ice, come on.

Jane

Teresa Lisbon. It's a... it's a nice name.

No, don't answer that!

Jane

Why not?

Just don't, give it to me.

Jane

Tell me.

I can't.

Jane

Well, if you don't I'm gonna answer it.

Don't! He told me not to involve the police.

Lisbon

Who did?

The kidnapper. He took Marcus and Pella and he told me he'd kill them if I involved the police.

Jane

Then answer that.

Hello?

Jane

(pretending to be the kidnapper) You alone?

Yes.

Jane

Tell me... What are you wearing? Hahaha! Hi, how you doing? It's me, yeah! Hahaha!

Jane

I think you guys can handle it from here.

Lisbon

Hey. You never told me what happened with the driver.

Jane

Yeah must have... slipped my mind. Excuse me.

Lisbon

He knows something, doesn't he? Jane let me help you.

[to Lisbon] Stop lying to me, bitch! I know they have it!

Jane

Hey! Just for that you're not gonna see a dime, not unless you do as I say! And if you don't, don't bother calling back!

Lisbon

You don't criticize his performance? Just mine?

Jane

He was good. You? Eeh.

Jane

Lisbon. So it's murder, is it?

Lisbon

It is. Let's go to the news station the victim worked at.

Jane

Ehhm, I'm kinda busy. Maybe later.

Lisbon

That's not how it works. We have to do our jobs.

Jane

Well I think you can do it, you're very capable.

Lisbon

I'm not kidding. Come on, let's go.

Jane

Okay, I'll go to the news station with you, get you started and then you're on your own, alright?

Lisbon

I am not in the sixth grade, that doesn't work on me!

Jane

I can't promise I'll always be around to help you, Teresa. There will come a time when you might have to do this on your own. And I want you to be prepared.

Lisbon

I am prepared to punch you in the face, all on my own.

Jane

There she was, worrying about journalism, while you were throwing yourself at Hunt and Kasmir, and she's the one that ends up with the anchor chair.

Yeah. I mean, no. I me— what?

Jane

Hell hath no fury like a slut outflanked. You must have felt like killing her.

Yeah. W— Wait, no!

Jane

Really?

No!

Jane

Ow!

How dare you?!

Jane

Well, she's a definite maybe. That should give you enough to work with, though, don't you think?

Lisbon

I hope that hurt.