The L Word · Season 1
What am I gonna do if I'm fucking pregnant?
Get an abortion, Al.
You could give the baby to Bette and Tina. [Dana and Alice scrunch their noses at Shane] Well, we're already like a family, it'd be like the kid belongs to all of us.
So, instead of "Heather Has Two Mommies," Heather has six mommies.
[about Lisa, if Alice is pregnant] Wow. Well, he'd be the first lesbo in history ever to pull that one off.
There's not that, you know, bullshit of like... you know, I do you, you do me, and, you know... we check in, have we had equal time? And all that crap.
You know, Al, just 'cause you're riding the big fat weenie doesn't mean there's something wrong with the way the rest of us do it, okay?
Hey, look, now that you're out big time, let's give you a mullet.
What? No.
Yes, c'mon, hockey hair, it'll be hot.
No!
I don't think she's ready to be a bull dyke, Shane.
[to Alice] Thank you.
Mkay.
[telling them how she and Bette first met] So then, that night I go home and I realize... I left the earring at her gallery even though I could have sworn that I put it back on my ear. [chuckling] Call it fate.
Or call it the oldest trick in the book.
[to Lenore] Woo hoo, congratulate me. I got my period.
So why are we congratulating you?
[Everybody but Bette and Tina looks awkward]
[searching for words] Huh?... Cause I love getting my period.
She does. Ever since she was a kid.
Right. Yeah, no. Cause it reaffirms my womanhood. I like to celebrate it to, you know, show women everywhere it's a blessing, it's not a curse.
So, is this a golf tournament?
Yeah, it's the Kraft-Nabisco Professional Women's Golf Tournament. Otherwise known as the Dinah Shore Weekend.
Is she gay?
No. Dinah Shore's dead.
Tennis players are like girls in college. Gay until graduation.
Alright, look. Right there. See?
[A couple of butch lesbians walk by, hand in hand.]
That's what I call a hundred footer.
What's that?
It means you can tell she's a lesbian from a hundred feet away.
Is it her hair? Is it her jog bra? Is it her mandles? I don't know!
[Everyone laughs.]
Great.
I can tell she's a lesbo from across a football field.
[about manatees] What happened to them, why were they beached?
Well, the, um... the one female was running away from the five males. She stays in heat for a month and the... the bulls spend the entire time smashing into each other, trying to have sex with her then they just kinda ditch her once she's pregnant.
Gosh, that sounds like a lot of humans.
If you wanna have dinner sometime... I could tell you everything I know about manatees.
I'd like that.
[in jail] Aren't you going to sit down?
I can't.
Why?
I can't sit near you.
[to Robin] The Greek word eros denotes want, like, the desire for that which is missing. The lover wants what he doesn't have. It is by definition impossible for him to have what he wants if as soon as it is had it is no longer wanted.
[leaving a message] Fuck, Tina, I know you're real busy saving the world and everything, but I need you to start answering your phone.
[about her arrest] Oh, god, I'm gonna die if my parents find out about this!
Well, look at the upside: now, being a dyke won't be a big deal.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The L Word pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
