The L Word · Season 1
So which side of the bed is Nina's?
I don't know. Um. [gets up and stands next to the left side of the bed] Maybe this side? [lays down] Yeah, that feels right.
So maybe this side would be Bev's side? [lays down on the right side of the bed]
Yeah.
Do you have any hard rock candy?
No. But I have some pot.
[Bette and Tina both giggle]
If you want to stick around a little longer and then I could take you out.
[sarcastic] Sure.
What?
My mother told me all about your little game. You're like the Fonz, or something, for lesbians.
Bullshit. The Fonz?
Yeah, Happy Days.
No, I'm not the Fonz. I'm not Happy Days. It's just a... [beat] Alright, I give it to you. You're sassy.
I'm not sassy, I'm bored. But not bored enough to sleep with you.
Maybe she's a spaghetti girl. Straight until wet.
[Talking to Jodi, but facing away so Jodi cannot read her lips] I'm in love with Tina...
[about the terrible sex Shane said she had] No, it was great for me! You don't just get on a bike and know how to ride it, same with riding a girl. So I freaked out! Big deal! You've just been with so many girls, you don't remember your first time! Well, guess what, it was my first time! And it was great! It was better than with Richard, than with guys and with anybody and I'm really into you. And I swear next time I will SO go down on you!
[to Shane] I've never flown to the Pacific North-West to chase a girl I barely know, and I'm here, and I'm really crazy about you. And I need you to give me another chance, even if I'm AWFUL in bed. I know that I'm still Gay 101, but I'm a really fast learner, and before you know it I'm going to be Advanced Placement Gay, and Graduate Level Gay. And fuck Law School, I'll get my Doctorate in fucking Gay.
[to Shane] You know what? It's the ultimate betrayal. You've broken my heart.
Poor Shane.
Fuck that! I wouldn't blame Jenny if she never spoke to Shane again.
[laughs with disbelief] That's a little harsh.
It was unforgivable what Shane did!
Well, maybe it was wrong, but...
Maybe?
Okay, it was wrong.
It was devastating. After everything that Jenny's been through? Her breakup with Nikki, the movie, her career?
Well, Shane's been through a lot too, and she's always been there for Jenny. But Shane is a woman. She has needs... like me. Like all of us.
[Bette and Tina both glare at each other with hostility, obviously thinking back to Bette's own infidelity years earlier, but then back off]
Let's not talk about this anymore.
You're right... let's not talk anymore.
Yo.
Papi? What the hell are you doing here?
I live here. Maybe I should be asking you that question?
[stammering] But... I thought... you disappeared. I thought you left town or... got arrested by some cop who was pissed off that you slept with his wife.
Okay, look who's talking.
Which one of you is the mother?
We both are.
I need you to put one name only for Angelica's mother.
Are you kidding me?
I can't process your paperwork.
This is Los Angeles. There are same-sex families on ever fucking street corner! She was born in this fucking hospital, and both of our names are on the fucking birth certificate! So, why don't you just give us a fucking break you straight, bureaucratic maggot, and get our daughter to see a God damn doctor! Please?
[Helena attacks Dylan in the parking lot outside the nightclub]
I don't give a fuck whose idea it was to sue me! Yours or Danny's! The point is, you took part in it! You manipulated my emotions! You used me! You humiliated me, and you must be fucking insane to think you can just prance in here and act as if nothing ever happened, telling me that you're happy, telling me that you're out of the closet, telling me that you're oh, so sorry for destroying my fucking life! Fuck you!
Thank you! Now I know you care.
Okay, so basically, that skankball Dylan Moreland almost ruined Helena's life. First, she pretended to be in love with her so she and her boyfriend, Danny, could sue Helena for sexual harassment and extort millions of dollars from her. Can you believe it? So... her mother gets so mad that she cuts Helena off, and she has to move in with me and become a cook.
I was a caterer.
Which was a disaster, and let's face it, Helena is used to a certain standard of living. She was born rich, with a gold spoon in her mouth. So, she meets this shady high-roller lady, named Catherine. They hook up, but she uses Helena and takes all her money, and when Helena takes it back, and we still don't know where she buried it, she gets arrested for embezzlement, thrown into prison, and has to share a cell with some killer!
Her name was Dusty, and she was in for tax fraud.
Fine! So, Helena's mother can't take it anymore. She bails Helena out of prison, but she doesn't want to live under her mother's thumb anymore, so she springs Dusty from jail, they go abroad to Taha, which she doesn't ever want to talk about since Dusty still hides out over there. So, it couldn't have been great, right?
Right.
Anyway, her mother gets stung by some jellyfish while scuba diving, and grants Helena's wealth back again. All of this because of this woman.
[to Helena] You want me to kick her ass?
No. Thank you.
You're a better person than me. I would beat a bitch down if she ever did something like that to me.
[as Bette is describing a stroller that seemingly does everything] Does it do the dishes?
No, just your taxes.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The L Word pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
