Maurice Moss quotes from The IT Crowd

How do you know about this site?

Moss

Oh, I'm a member.

Really? You do the whole Lonely Hearts thing?

Moss

I'm a 32 year old IT-man who works in a basement. Yes, I do the whole Lonely Hearts thing!

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Shut up, do what I tell you, I'm not interested; these are just some of the things you'll be hearing if you answer this ad. I'm an idiot and I don't care about anyone but myself. P.S. No dogs!

Moss

That's good.

What's yours?

Moss

Mine doesn't look any good now.

Go on.

Moss

I'm going to murder you... You bloody woman!

Might want to play a bit hard to get.

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[singing] We don't need no education.

Moss

Yes you do. You've just used a double negative.

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Moss

You've got to help Roy! [Sees Richmond and points at him] Richmond's out of his room, he's not in his room, he's supposed to be in his room, why is he out of his room?

Well, he's going to come out and play with us for a while.

Moss

But, the rainforest, and...

What's wrong with you, Moss?

Moss

Roy's stuck underneath a lady's desk.

[laughs] What, still?

Moss

Look, I know that normally this would be very funny, but he's been under there too long for a reasonable explanation! If that woman looks down, she's going to assume he's a desk-rabbit!

What's a desk-rabbit?

Moss

I just made that up! But that's probably what they're gonna start to call people like Roy. But Roy's not a desk-rabbit, he's my best friend, and unless you do something, it's just going to be you, me, and Tim Burton over there! [he points at Richmond, who looks offended.]

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I've got Aunt Irma visiting.

Moss

Oh, do you not like Aunt Irma? I've got an aunt like that. [Roy and Moss look confused]

It's my term for my time of the month.

[understanding] Ohhhh.

Moss

What time of the month? The weekend?

No.

Moss

Does Aunt Irma visit on the weekend?

Moss!

You know, it's "high tide".

Moss

But we're not on the coast.

Moss!

I'm "closed for maintenance"!

Moss

Closed for maintenance?

Moss!

I've fallen to the communists!

Moss

Well, they do have some compelling arguments.

[frustrated] Carrie, Moss! First scene in Carrie!

Moss

[finally understanding] Oh. Okay. [walks out of the room; embarrassed.]

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Okay. Moss, what did you have for breakfast this morning?

Moss

Smartie cereal.

Oh my God, I didn't even know Smarties made a cereal.

Moss

They don't. It's just Smarties in a bowl with milk.

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[Jen, Roy, and Moss are looking at a poster for Gay: A Gay Musical]

Roy Trenneman

"A gay musical", called Gay. That's quite gay. "Gay musical?" Aren't all musicals gay? This must be, like, the gayest musical ever made.

Maurice Moss

It got some pretty good reviews. [Pan to "The Audience Applauded" - The Evening Informer; "More Than Tolerable" - The London Echo"; "Not As Long As Some Musicals" - The Banner.]

Jen Barber

[reads from the poster] "A story of a young man trying to find his sexuality in the uncaring Thatcher years. Warning: includes scenes of graphic homoeroticism."

Moss

Oh no! It's set in the 80s!

Graphic homoeroticism? [turning to Moss] Does that mean they're going to get them out?

You're not comfortable with your sexuality?

Oh, I'm very comfortable with my sexuality, I just don't want to be slapped in the face with their sexuality.

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Moss

Unbelievable! Some brainiac disabled his firewall, meaning all the computers on floor Seven are teeming with viruses, plus I've just had to walk all the way down the motherfudging stairs, because the lifts are broken again!

[Jen comes out of her office, visibly shocked.]

[stunned] Oh my God.

What?

Oh my God.

What is it?

Denholm's dead!

Moss

[suddenly remembering] Oh yes—and Denholm's dead!

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There's Denholm's wife...

Moss

I never know what to say to people at funerals.

Me too. I'm terrible.

Just say you're sorry and move on. [To Denholm's wife] He'll be in our prayers.

[to Denholm's wife] I'm sorry for your loss. Move on.

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Moss

I'm sorry for your loss.

RMrs. Reynholm

Thank you.

Moss

It's not like you've lost a pen, is it? It's so much worse. Would you like a pen? I have a spare one.

RMrs. Reynholm

No thank you.

Moss

Please take it.

RMrs. Reynholm

Why are you giving it to me?

Moss

I don't know. [hands her the pen] Swings and roundabouts.

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If this evening is going to work in any way, you need to pretend to be normal people, yeah? Keep the conversation about things that would interest everybody. You know, nothing about memory, or RAM.

Moss

Memory is RAM!

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Peter, what's your email address?

PPeter

Oh, it's [email protected].

"filepeter"? Why "filepeter"?

PPeter

Well, File is my second name.

Oh, right, I see. Peter File.

Moss

Who's a paedophile?

No no, his name is Peter File.

Moss

His name is paedophile?

[angry] Don't say it like that. It sounds like "paedophile."

Moss

Isn't that what he just said?

Jen': No, Peter File.

Moss

[enunciating] Paedo phile?

Peter File!

RRichmond

Who's a paedophile?

No one is.

Moss

[finally understanding] Right. It just sounds like paedophile.

No, no, it doesn't!

Moss

Does a bit. Peter File.

Peter File... Yeah, no, it does.

[There are murmurings of agreement from the rest of the table as everyone starts pronouncing it themselves]

PPeter

[exasperated] YES, I SUPPOSE IT DOES!

[silence]

I didn't noticed, so...

PPeter

It doesn't bother you, does it?

No, of course it doesn't. [leans in for a kiss]

Moss

They say "pedophile" in America. Maybe you should move to America.

[shouting] He's not moving to America!

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Is this another one of your inventions?

Moss

Might be.

What was the last one? Oh yes. A ladder, to help moths escape from the bath. How is that useful?!

Moss

How is that not useful?

Moths don't get stuck in baths!

Moss

Yes. They. Do!

Even if that were true, it's just not in their nature to learn how to use a ladder! They have wings! When a moth thinks about travelling vertically upwards, a ladder is just the last thing they would think of! Moss, I don't like to be negative about it, but everything you invent is worthless!

Moss

Ah! Well, prepare to put mustard on those words, for you will soon be consuming them along with this slice of humble pie that comes direct from the oven of shame, set at gas mark "egg on your face"! [pause] I sort of forget what I was talking about.

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[Acting as Moss's teenage bullies] Nice glasses!

Moss

Not as nice as your momma's glasses!