Maurice Moss quotes from The IT Crowd

Douglas

You there, computer man. Fix my pants!

Moss

Beg your pardon?

Douglas

Pull down my trousers and do your job!

Moss

Hello, Roy speaking.

Jen

[on phone] What? Moss? You're still concussed, you need to see the doctor.

Moss

Who is this? Roy? Wait, it couldn't be Roy, I'm Roy.

Jen

Look, what does IT mean?

Moss

What?

Jen

IT, what does I.T. mean? Someone's just asked me.

Moss

You don't know what it means?

Jen

No, I never thought to ask.

Moss

This must be Jen!

Jen

Yes—

Moss

Hello Jen!

Jen

Hello!

Moss

How may I help you?

Jen

Tell me, tell me what IT means.

Moss

Absolutely. [pause]

Jen

Well?

Moss

Very well, thank you. How are you?

Jen

Moss, please just stay with me, just for this simple question okay? What—

Moss

Jen, I'm just going to put you on speakerphone, all right?

Jen

No no no, don't hang up—

Moss

[hangs up] Jen, you are now on speakerphone. [pause] Jen? Hello Jen? [phone rings] Jen, can you bear with me one moment? I've got someone trying to get through in the other line. [picks up] Roy speaking.

Jen

You just hung up on me.

Moss

Jen, can you hold on one second? I've got Jen on the other line.

Jen

No! Don't—

Moss

[switches lines] Jen, can I call you back? I've just got Jen trying to get through on the other line. [switches lines] Jen, sorry about that. Phew! Chicken in a basket, it has been all ruddy go today! Now how may I help you?

Jen

What does IT mean?! You know, computers? Something to do with computers probably?

Moss

Computers? That's not really my area. Jen, I'd love to help you but, it's a real pain, I seem to have forgotten absolutely everything I know about computers.

Jen

How can you forget everything you know about computers, Moss?

Moss

Let me see, maybe it isn't everything. [thinks] No, it's definitely everything.

Jen

What is it?

Moss

This, Jen, is the Internet.

Jen

What?

Moss

That's right.

Jen

This is the Internet? [Moss nods.] The whole Internet?

Moss

Yep. I asked for a loan of it, so that you could use it in your speech.

Jen

It's so small!

Moss

That's one of the surprising things about it.

Jen

Hang on, it doesn't have any wires or anything...

Moss

[rolling his eyes] It's wireless!

Jen

Oh, yes, everything's wireless these days, isn't it? So I can really use it in my speech? What if someone needs it?

Moss

Oh no, people will still be able to go online and everything; it'll still work.

Jen

Oh, good.

Moss

I tell you: you present this to the shareholders, and you'll get quite the response.

Jen

Can I touch it? [Moss nods; Jen picks the box up] Ooh, it's so light.

Moss

Of course it is, Jen! The internet doesn't weigh anything!

Jen

[laughing] No, no, of course it doesn't!

Roy

[agitated] Hey! What is Jen doing with the Internet?

Jen

Moss said I could use it for my speech.

Roy

Are you insane? What if she drops it?

Jen

I won't drop it, I'll look after it!

Roy

No. No, no, no, no, Jen. [He takes the box from Jen] No, this needs to go straight back to Big Ben.

Jen

Big Ben?

Moss

Yep. It goes on top of Big Ben. That's where you get the best reception.

Jen

I promise I won't let anything happen to it.

Roy

No, Jen, I'm sorry. [Jen becomes woeful] The Elders of the Internet would never stand for it.

Moss

Oh no, I spoke to the Elders of the Internet not one hour ago. I told them about Jen winning Employee of the Month, and they were so impressed, that they wanted to do whatever they could to help.

Jen

[suspiciously] Wait a minute, the "Elders of the Internet"!? [shocked] The Elders of the Internet know who I am!? You've got to let me have it!

Roy

No, Jen, I'm sorry, it's just too risky!

Jen

Oh, please, Roy!

Roy

[resignedly] Well, Moss, has it been completely demagnetised?

Moss

By Stephen Hawking himself. [to Jen] He sends his congratulations, by the way.

Roy

Well, if it's okay with the Hawk...

Jen

So, can I have it?

Roy

You can.

Moss

My mum's on Friendface! My mum! I've opened up another line of communication with her!

Roy

Isn't that a good thing?

Moss

She's listed her "current mood" as "sensual"!

Roy

Why didn't you just not accept her friend request?

Moss

What are you, an animal?

Maurice Moss

Does this sound mysterious?

Jen Barber

Yeah, yeah it's quite mysterious.

Moss

I was hoping for "ruddy mysterious".

Moss

I did it! I did it! I've been accepted!

Roy Trenneman

[in disbelief] No!

Jen

What's going on?

Moss

I've been accepted! I applied, and they said yes!

Jen

Who said yes? What are you talking about? Moss... Moss, you're shaking!

Moss

Consonant, please.

Moss

It actually already is a word, Tnetennba.

Good Heavens really? Could you, erm, use it in a sentence for us?

Moss

Good morning, that's a nice Tnetennba.

Eighteen letters, I've never seen so many... he is the One.

Roy

[incredulously] What are you...

Shh! This is the longest word yet on Street Countdown! Unlike normal Countdown, you see—

Roy

I don't care.

Negative One?

Twelve.

Moss

Sixteen.

Your word, Negative One.

Enormousness.

Moss

I shall give my answer, if I may, in the form of a joke.

This is most irregular...

Moss

What do you call Negative One sitting alone in an empty room?

I don't know, what do you call Negative One sitting alone in an empty room?

Moss

Overnumerousness!

Gyles?

Yes, that is a word! And the joke does make sense!

Moss

What kind of operating system does it use?

Err... it's... Vista!

Moss

We're going to die!

Roy

[quickly] Have you tried turning it off and on again?

What?

Roy

[quickly] Have you tried turning it off and on again?

...what?

Roy

[agitated] HAVE YOU TRIED...TURNING IT OFF, AND ON AGAIN?!

Jen

[shrieks, then turns to the Police] I just won 100 quid.

Douglas

Your name is Maurice Moss, is it not?

Moss

[Mumbles, nods frenetically]

Douglas

[In same tone as before] Your name is Maurice Moss, is it not?

Moss

[Nervously lifts a glass of water] Bit nervous, so, yeah, bit of water. [drinks the water, and spits it into his hand] Fizzy, it's very fizzy, it's fizzy, it's gone fizzy. [grabs the microphone and gets a shock] Yow! Come on! That's electric, there's electric in there, got a shock.

Douglas

[In same tone as before] Your name is Maurice Moss, is it not?

Moss

It is not. Sorry, yeah, sorry, um, my mother sued me.

Just relax, take your time and answer the questions as clearly as you can.

Moss

Thank you, my love.

Douglas

[In same tone as before] Your name is Maurice Moss, is it not?

Moss

[His chair collapses] The chair's faulty. [lifts the chair back up, but falls off it as he sits down]

Douglas

No further questions, my lord.

Moss

[Jen enters room] Oh Jen, exciting news! I've just uploaded the second episode of my board games review show! Care to have a look.

Jen

[Looking displeased] That was fast. Seems like only yesterday, we had to sit through the last one.

Moss

[Incredulously] It was three months ago!

Roy

[On going to a funeral] I'm gonna have to look convincingly sad for the majority of the day. She's not going to expect me to cry, is she?

Moss

No.

Roy

What if she does? I can't cry on cue! What do I do then?!

Moss

Do what I do when I need to cry: use a mild pepper-spray solution.

Roy

Now that make sense! See, that makes more sense than having to feel something!

Roy

[Holds bottle of tear liquid suspiciously] What's in here?

Moss

[Shrugs] Just Tabasco, wasabi, and a bit of tear gas.

Roy

Those sound like bad things to put in your eyes.

Moss

It's extremely mild. It's mainly water.

Roy

[Nods and puts it in his jacket] Okay I'll take it, as a last resort.

Moss

[Shrugs] As a last resort.

Roy

In case I find myself out of my emotional depth.

Moss

There you go.

Roy

[Begins to walk off] Alright, thanks Moss!

Moss

Bye!

Roy

Bye.

Moss

[Begins to work on something else, then stops] Oh, don't forget to add the water! [But Roy has gone]

Roy

Are you wearing women's slacks?

Moss

Yes I am!

Jen

See what we can do when we work together? With my business acumen..

Moss

..And my scientific know how..

Roy

..And I'm also here..

Jen

..We can do anything!

YEAH [Jump in cliche excitement]