The Inbetweeners quotes

Simon

Can you not?

Alright Jay!

Jay

Alright. Nice car!

Do you like it? I just got new rims for it.

Jay

Yeah, it’s well nice!

Simon

(To Neil, so Jay can hear) Ooh friend.

Neil

Ooh, car friend!

Simon

Ooh, car friend, shall we play football?

I’ve just got to pop home now, but, you can have a drive later if you like.

Jay

Yeah, maybe.

Simon

(High-pitched) Cheers friend.

Neil

(High-pitched) Car friend.

Simon

(High-pitched) Football!

See you later, then. (He turns left and drives off back home. Jay turns round after a moment, looking angrily at Simon and Neil)

Jay

He’s not my fucking friend!

Simon

(Looking apologetically at Jay) Alright. Friend! (Neil bursts into laughter. Jay storms off, quickly followed by Simon and Neil, who’re still chanting “Friend!”)

Neil

(High-pitched) Friend.

Simon

(High-pitched) Friend.

Neil

(High-pitched) Friend!

Simon

(High-pitched) Made-up football friend!

Jay

(Angrily) Just give it a fucking rest, will ya?!

Simon

(Normal voice) Hello, isn’t that Friend’s car?

Neil

(High-pitched, pointing at the car) Ooh, new rims car friend! (He puts his thumbs up too)

Jay

I’ll show you how much of a friend he is. (He moves to the front of the car) Fucking friend. (He climbs up onto the car bonnet) (In a slightly maniacal voice) Ooh friend! (He jumps; the car alarm goes off) Friend! Friend! Fucking football friend! (Jumping all the while)

Simon

I never thought he’d get that wound up. (We see that Football Friend is emerging from a house on the opposite side of the road, and he is running over, gobsmacked about what’s happening)

Jay, what you doing?

Jay

(Turns to face him, still with maniacal voice, still jumping) Ooh friend! Friend! (Normal voice) I’m not your fucking friend! Alright?! Alright?!

Will

It was true. Simon was right, he did still have his old friends. (Simon turns to see Neil and Jay imitating having sex with books) And he was welcome to them.

Neil

(imitating having sex with books) Books get me girls! Books get me girls!

Jay

(also imitating having sex with books) Oh, books! Oh, books!

Neil

Blind date books!

Jay

Fuck the book with us, Simon!

Will

(voiceover) Hi, I’m Will, and as a special treat, I now get to finish my A-Levels at a state comprehensive.

Jay

(about Becky) That one has fucked EVERYONE. I’ve slung one up her a few times, myself.

Will

And who is everyone, exactly? That old man over there, has he had a go on her?

Will

(voiceover) Despite Simon’s best efforts, we made it to Camber Sands alive. We’d arranged to meet Jay at the service station, and though Simon could just about drive a car, getting petrol into it still remained a mystery.

Simon

What shall I write?

Jay

“Spread ‘em. I’ll be there in half an hour.”

Will

Or, “So lovely to hear from you, it would be a pleasure to meet up.”

Jay

“P.S. I’m a poofter.”

Will

Where are all these women, then?

Jay

There’s loads. Just look around you.

Simon

Where?

Jay

Everywhere. What about her? (points to her on a seesaw)

Simon

She’s about 12, Jay.

Jay

Nah, she’s older than that. Believe me, Christ!

Will

(voiceover) So the big night was finally here. The Caravan Club disco and all its delights of the flesh lay just inside a giant garden shed.

Will

(voiceover) And just when I thought things couldn’t get any worse, I then had to spend a night in a caravan with Jay's dad and his irritable bowel.

Simon

Neil, did you wet yourself in my new car?

Neil

It’s not really new.

Simon

(enquiringly) Did you wet yourself?

Neil

No. But I did have a bird back in here.

Simon

(alarmed) You fucked a girl in my car?!

Neil

No, it’s too small. Did a lot of fingering, though. She wanked me off a few times.

(quite a few times in the first scene) Too jazzy?

Will

People don’t get fingered for a bet, Jay. With the possible exception of your sister.

Jay

Take that back.

Will

Actually, I do take it back. Your mum, on the other hand, she’d probably get fingered for a packet of biscuits.

Jay

Listen, lard-arse, there will be food, so shut the fuck up so we can get this over with!

Will

(voiceover) It was a moment of truth. Prom night had arrived, and as I watched my crack team setting things up, it’s fair to say I was shitting myself.