Goodbye, Derek.
Goodbye, mommy-girlfriend. Bye, everybody. Derek's going away now.
Does he seem a little bit uh still alive?
Well, he's about as dead as he can be. Kind of like he's in power-saver mode.
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
I've been keeping a secret from you. About you.
What is it?
The thing is, it's not even harming you, and if I tell you, I feel like it might harm you. So, uh, ethically speaking, I don't think I have to tell you.
Yeah, well, forget all that. This is freaking me out. I'm losing my mind. So just tell me.
I mean, whenever I would do something crappy on Earth, there would be a little tiny voice in the back of my head that would say, "Eleanor, don't grab that handful of olives from the salad bar. You know, you didn't pay for that," or "Eleanor, don't spit those olive pits onto the floor of the grocery store. That's not cool." Or "Eleanor, that old man just slipped on your olive pit, and he fell down. Don't use the fact that everyone's distracted to go back and steal more olives."
When you proposed this new form of torture, we all laughed behind your back. Some people called you names, like "the Thomas Edison of incompetence," or "that dick".
At some point, we should finish discussing yesterday's events.
Do you mean us almost getting married and then finding out I was married to Janet and then Janet making a boyfriend to forget me and then Janet getting rid of that boyfriend? Or do you mean when we saw that cool cloud?
The first bit.
Oh, Kierkegaard is so great. Have you read "Fear and Trembling"? Well, I don't know, have you read "Boring and Stupid"? Because that's what you are.
No one can ever truly turn over a new leaf. Sure, Ben Affleck told me he'd matured as an artist after he directed Argo, but then, right on schedule, it was, "Guess what, Tahani, I'm gonna be Batman."
I vote we...
No, sorry, and no offense, Jason, but the stakes here are too high to let someone with your limited intellectual processing capacity weigh in.
I was gonna agree with you.
Oh, great, well, that's two votes for my plan.
I never thought I'd be the one to say it, but this is getting out of hand. I think we gotta go to the cops.
What cops? Where do you think we are?
Lucky for you, my friend, Jaguars games are the only ones televised in the Bad Place, because they suck!
No, they don't. All we need is a defense and an offense and some rule changes.
That roast was the meanest thing I've ever seen, and I once saw a waiter bring Russell Crowe the wrong tea.
Normally I would love hearing a man tell a woman she's crazy, but I can't. You aided the humans just to spite Michael. You're not a demon. You're a jerk.
I'm going to tell you the same thing I told Pippa Middleton right before we went paragliding in Gibraltar. "Let's go." What? That's what I said.
You know my whole life, whenever I encountered any obstacles, I would simply say, "I would like to speak to a manager." But in our relationship, there was no manager. There was no one who could fix this for me except me.
My mom was a manager at a pet store. Does that help?
No, and please don't launch into one of your long stories...
She got fired after I...
Please, no.
...robbed the pet store where she worked.
Please, please, Jason.
We actually robbed it together.
No, no, no.
Long story short, it was all a dream.
Thank you, Jason, for making this moment a little easier for me.
And to Janet, the best robot...
Not a robot.
Girl...
Not a girl.
And straight up hottie...
I am attractive, yes.
Any of us could have ever asked for.
Thanks, guys. Because of the way we were conceived of and created, Janets don't typically give speeches...
Oh, she's done. She's not gonna give a speech.
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