All I've ever really wanted was to know what it feels like to be human, and now we're going to do the most human thing of all: attempt something futile with a ton of unearned confidence and fail spectacularly!
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
As long as I'm with you guys, I'm always in the fake Good Place.
That doesn't sound as nice as you think it does.
The real Bad Place was the friends we made along the way.
Nope. Still nonsense. One more try.
In a way, the Good Place was inside the Bad Place all along?
You know what? That's technically true. I'm gonna give it to you.
I just made an aphorism.
Here's the thing about me. You know the sound a fork makes in the garbage disposal? That's the sound my brain makes. All the time. It's just the constant grinding about things that I'm afraid of oorrr things that I want or want to want, or want to want to wa...
You're grindin' in there right now, bud.
See the Judge exists in a sort of neutral zone, separate from the Good Place and the Bad Place. The only things there are the Judge's quarters, the accounting department, and the Janet warehouse. There's also an IHOP.
Oh! I'm gonna order the Rooty Tooty Fresh 'N Fruity! No.
Sorry. In this realm, IHOP stands for "Interdimensional Hole of Pancakes". You don't really eat these pancakes. It's more like they eat you.
Okay. I'll get eggs, then.
What is that? Is that jewelry? Not that it matters. It's just some jewelry I don't have. Can I have it?
I'm telling you, Molotov cocktails work. Anytime I had a problem, and I threw a Molotov cocktail, boom! Right away, I had a different problem.
There are nine hot dog torture departments. Making people into, stuffing people with...
Ooh, stuffing people sounds fun. Is that like shoving them into the throats of vegans?
Yes. "Throats".
It's a torture museum. Famous examples of bad behavior, and explanations of the torture they earned.
Is there a gift shop?
Jason, this is Hell. Of course there's a gift shop.
Well, I was going to try to get the humans back by going through the proper channels, but then I remembered, I'm a naughty bitch.
Damn, you're good at this.
Well, hang out with Johnny Depp long enough, and you become pretty good at lying. Like, "No, your whole thing isn't exhausting at all."
I took the form of a 45-year-old white man for a reason. I can only fail up.
What if lying is ethical in this situation? What if certain actions aren't universally good or bad? - Like Jonathan Dancy says.
Jonathan Dancy? Are you talking about moral particularism? We never even covered that. You read on your own?
You think just because I'm a straight hottie I can't read philosophy for fun?
RTRobot Tahani
I'm Tahani Al-Jamil, a vainglorious attention seeker with enough jealousy to power Elon Musk's underwater mansion, which I've been to, by the way.
I have, actually. It's remarkable.
RTRobot Tahani
It's remarkable!
...
Michael said the portal would lead us to the Judge, so where's the Judge? All I see is a burrito.
Do you think it's a test? Like, maybe one of us is supposed to eat it, or we eat it together, or or maybe, maybe it's a test to see how long we can go without eating it.
I'm not scared of any burrito. I'll eat it. Unless the burrito is the Judge.
Don't be so bloody ridiculous. Judges aren't food, judges are serious people who wear long, silk nightgowns and big, white powdered wigs.
Wait, you don't already know everything about us? You're not omniscient?
Well Not in the way you mean. I try to learn as little as I can about the events of humankind so I can remain impartial, 'cause I'm a judge. Yadda, yadda, yadda. That being said, sometimes I get bored and I cheat a little bit. I've been binging Ken Burns's Vietnam recently. It's okay. I mean, I'm immortal, but that thing is long.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Good Place pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.