[to a burglar with a ski mask] The hat is a tip-off, but...is this your first time in Miami?
All S1
S1 E1Pilot
I'm back.
[not seeing Chuy] Dorothy?!
Well, I'm 88, and --
87.
What?
You're 87, Sophia.
...okay. I'm 87 years old, and I used to have to wake up every morning just to live. Now I have to wake up every morning to cook 50 pounds of ravioli. I got stuff to do.
You almost killed me!
Nothing could kill you.
Well, too much corn.
On nights like this, we usually bare our souls and polish off a cheesecake.
And I often tell a story about my hometown of St. Olaf.
St. Olaf? Sounds fascinating.
Tell us about it.
Rookies!
S1 E3Miles, We Hardly Knew Ye
They've got a choice: they can eat my lasagna or kiss my but.
Okay, does your butt come with soup and salad?
Penny for your thoughts, Sophia?
You're stupid, and that's on the house.
[Storms out of the kitchen and is in a bad mood because of Blanche]
MMan
Excuse me. I ordered rice. These are baked potatoes!
[Picks up potatoes and throws them against the door] We need rice!
S1 E4One Old Lady to Go
I need to make some money. Maybe I should wear a shorter skirt.
Maybe you should just threaten to.
Oh yeah, I guess it is about time I had a little talk with (Oliver) about... well... you know.
Sex. Well, You can say it, it's not a dirty word.
Chuy(to Roland): Yeah, go ahead and say it. [in a guttural voice] SEXXXXXXXXXXX!
...okay, when Chuy says it, it's a dirty word. But still, we have to face the fact that Oliver's growing up and he needs the truth.
I know. I just haven't anticipated this happening so soon. I mean, Just yesterday I saw him in his room, making little animals with Rose's Play-Doh Fun Factory. And now I gotta tell him about-
[in same guttural voice] SEXXXXXXXXXXX!
Man, will you stop saying that? Look, I gotta have this big talk with Oliver, I just wish I knew what to tell him.
My mother told me sex was a woman's duty. That was the word she used, "duty". And I guess I've been a proud little soldier ever since.
Soldier!? You're a four-star general, I SALUTE YOU!
S1 E5Ebbtide for the Defense
I don't squish bugs. I shoo them.
[Sophia steps on a bug]
There! I just shoed one too!
S1 E6Can't Stand Losing You
It's okay. I don't mind. I'm a workaholic.
[shocked] Oh, my God! He's been drinking Workahol?!
JJoanne
Hello, wover [lover]. Guess who?
Please, God, tell me it's Elmer Fudd!
S1 E7Seems Like Old Times
[Dorothy is talking about how Sophia used her as a waitress when she was a child]
You used me!
It was our quality time!
Quality time?! You referred to me as 'the help!'
It was a nickname!
On Thursdays you'd lend me out to the neighbors!
So? You learned the trade. Ingratitude. That's all I've gotten from any of my employees -- kids, my kids.
CDCab Driver
I was just counting this fare. I think you forgot to add a tip.
A tip? A tip. Uh, let's review your performance, shall we? Let's see, you backed over my luggage, took the causeway during rush hour, stopped the car twice to sell fruit out of your trunk. A tip? Walk away now and no one gets hurt.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Golden Palace pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.