Roland Wilson quotes from The Golden Palace

Blanche

On nights like this, we usually bare our souls and polish off a cheesecake.

Rose

And I often tell a story about my hometown of St. Olaf.

Chuy

St. Olaf? Sounds fascinating.

Roland

Tell us about it.

Sophia

Rookies!

Roland

Oh yeah, I guess it is about time I had a little talk with (Oliver) about... well... you know.

Blanche

Sex. Well, You can say it, it's not a dirty word.

Blanche

...okay, when Chuy says it, it's a dirty word. But still, we have to face the fact that Oliver's growing up and he needs the truth.

Roland

I know. I just haven't anticipated this happening so soon. I mean, Just yesterday I saw him in his room, making little animals with Rose's Play-Doh Fun Factory. And now I gotta tell him about-

Chuy

[in same guttural voice] SEXXXXXXXXXXX!

Roland

Man, will you stop saying that? Look, I gotta have this big talk with Oliver, I just wish I knew what to tell him.

Blanche

My mother told me sex was a woman's duty. That was the word she used, "duty". And I guess I've been a proud little soldier ever since.

Chuy

Soldier!? You're a four-star general, I SALUTE YOU!

Roland

I don't squish bugs. I shoo them.

Sophia

There! I just shoed one too!

Roland

It's okay. I don't mind. I'm a workaholic.

Rose

[shocked] Oh, my God! He's been drinking Workahol?!

Hello, wover [lover]. Guess who?

Roland

Please, God, tell me it's Elmer Fudd!

Chuy

It's taken two years, but as of today I will have lost 140 pounds of ugly fat.

Rose

You used to be heavy?

Chuy

No, married.

Roland

Yeah, today's the day that Chuy signs his final divorce papers.

Rose

Oh, I'll bet you have mixed feelings about that.

Chuy

Are you kidding? I'm thrilled it's over. Eight years. Eight long, miserable years. Do you know what it's like to live with a foul-mouthed, vicious shrew for eight years?

Sophia

[to Rose] Move it or lose it, you Danish dork!

Chuy

I guess you do.

Roland

It's not up to us to make moral judgements about the people staying in this hotel. [notices sign reading "Daughters of the Traditional South" in the lobby] "Daughters of the Traditional South?" Those bigots in bonnets aren't staying in this hotel!

Blanche

Roland, there is nothing wrong with the Daughters of the Traditional South!

Roland

Oh, I see; when they put those sheets on over their heads it must be some kind of salute to Casper the Friendly Ghost.

Rose

Ooh, when is that?

Roland

[as Santa Claus] What do you want for Christmas, little girl?

Sophia

I wanna stay on your lap 'til New Years!

Rose

Sophia!

Sophia

All right, how about a sponge bath with some elves?

Rose

[to Roland] That's not a very nice Christmas attitude for someone who wants to play Saint Nick. Come on! Let's hear those reindeer names, Buster!

Roland

Dancer, Prancer, Donner, Blitzen, Freezing, Fricking, Mother-

Rose

Roland!

Roland

I don't know much about Blanche's personal life, but so what if she likes to date?

Rose

I used to think that until this Ernie came along. This is the hump that broke the camel's back.

Roland

I think that's "the straw that broke the camel's back."

Rose

Boy, you don't know much about Blanche's personal life, do you?

Chuy

Will you look at all the toilet paper I found in the freezer? How many times do I have to tell Blanche, "Please, don't freeze the Charmin?"

Roland

Chuy...

Chuy

I mean who's gonna want to use frozen toilet paper?

Sophia

[Grabs roll] At my age, any thrill will do.

Rose

If Chuy should marry your mom, that would make you...

Roland

A convicted killer!

Roland

[referring to plane] DC-10! Yep...you spend hours on your back, you get to know these things.

Blanche

[enters with Rose and Chuy; referring to plane] Oh! DC-10! Yep.

My husband says that I'm frail, and old, and just asking for trouble.

Roland

[about Self-Defense course] And what is your specific goal for this course?

I'd like to put the bastard through a window.