Chuy Castillos quotes from The Golden Palace

Chuy

Hey, Rol. What's happening? Wow, that's cool, man. How do you get that big vein in your head to bulge out like that?

Chuy

I'm back.

Sophia

[not seeing Chuy] Dorothy?!

Blanche

On nights like this, we usually bare our souls and polish off a cheesecake.

Rose

And I often tell a story about my hometown of St. Olaf.

Chuy

St. Olaf? Sounds fascinating.

Roland

Tell us about it.

Sophia

Rookies!

Sophia

They've got a choice: they can eat my lasagna or kiss my but.

Chuy

Okay, does your butt come with soup and salad?

Sophia

I need to make some money. Maybe I should wear a shorter skirt.

Chuy

Maybe you should just threaten to.

Roland

Oh yeah, I guess it is about time I had a little talk with (Oliver) about... well... you know.

Blanche

Sex. Well, You can say it, it's not a dirty word.

Blanche

...okay, when Chuy says it, it's a dirty word. But still, we have to face the fact that Oliver's growing up and he needs the truth.

Roland

I know. I just haven't anticipated this happening so soon. I mean, Just yesterday I saw him in his room, making little animals with Rose's Play-Doh Fun Factory. And now I gotta tell him about-

Chuy

[in same guttural voice] SEXXXXXXXXXXX!

Roland

Man, will you stop saying that? Look, I gotta have this big talk with Oliver, I just wish I knew what to tell him.

Blanche

My mother told me sex was a woman's duty. That was the word she used, "duty". And I guess I've been a proud little soldier ever since.

Chuy

Soldier!? You're a four-star general, I SALUTE YOU!

Rose

[mopping up] Sophia, wet floor!

Sophia

I can't do that on command! I have to be scared first!

Rose

Chuy, wet floor!

Chuy

What, somebody scared Sophia?

You're Chuy Castillos?

Chuy

Yeah?

You look like one of the Super Mario Bros.

Chuy

It's taken two years, but as of today I will have lost 140 pounds of ugly fat.

Rose

You used to be heavy?

Chuy

No, married.

Roland

Yeah, today's the day that Chuy signs his final divorce papers.

Rose

Oh, I'll bet you have mixed feelings about that.

Chuy

Are you kidding? I'm thrilled it's over. Eight years. Eight long, miserable years. Do you know what it's like to live with a foul-mouthed, vicious shrew for eight years?

Sophia

[to Rose] Move it or lose it, you Danish dork!

Chuy

I guess you do.

Sophia

I thought this practical joke would make me laugh, but it hasn't. It's affected me in ways I didn't think possible.

Chuy

It made you feel ashamed, didn't it?

Sophia

No, it excited me sexually.

Chuy

Sophia!

Sophia

I'm just as shocked as you are.

Chuy

Ugh! Chihuahua. Sophia...what does this look like to you?

Sophia

George Hamilton in five years.

Chuy

[about burnt duck] Have you ever seen a duck this black and Smoky?

Rose

I have. Daffy. But only after Bugs Bunny gives him a dynamite cigar. Why doesn't that duck ever learn?

Sophia

He can't, Rose. He doesn't have a brain. Sound familiar?

Rose

Oh, I'm the dumb one? You're the one who's overcooked three meals today. In fact, if we had a Stupid Person Race, I think you'd come in first.

Sophia

I'm sorry. Maybe the oven is broken.

Rose

Oh! It is! Didn't you get the note I left inside of the oven.

Chuy

[holding burnt note] And at the wire, it's Rose by a nose.

Chuy

Will you look at all the toilet paper I found in the freezer? How many times do I have to tell Blanche, "Please, don't freeze the Charmin?"

Roland

Chuy...

Chuy

I mean who's gonna want to use frozen toilet paper?

Sophia

[Grabs roll] At my age, any thrill will do.

Sophia

Good news, everybody, I'm back from vacation.

Chuy

Yeah, that's...

Sophia

Have no fear, Petrillo is...

Rose

Good to...

Sophia

She's tan, she's rested, she's ready to crack wise. Who, you say? "Sophia. That's who!".

Blanche

Fine.

Sophia

I thought you said you missed me, what do I have to do to get some attention around here, a cartwheel? [long pause] OK, here goes. But I should warn you, I'm not wearing any underwear.