[mopping up] Sophia, wet floor!
I can't do that on command! I have to be scared first!
Chuy, wet floor!
What, somebody scared Sophia?
All S1
S1 E7Seems Like Old Times
RCRestaurant Customer
[after Dorothy drops off his bill] Excuse me, aren't you forgetting something?
Uh, like what?
RCRestaurant Customer
Aren't you going to say "Have a nice day"?
No. Look, in the 45 minutes that I've served you, you complained about the food, the coffee, the service, and said that in my case, a sprinkle a day wasn't quite doing the trick. I don't care if you have a pulse, much less a nice day.
Ma, you look horrible! You're as white as a sheet!
That's because I'm between heartbeats. Come back in 15 minutes, and I'll look like one of the Last of the Mohicans!
[referring to Sophia] Has she come down yet?
Has who come down yet?
Amelia Earhart, Rose!
[Dorothy is upset with Blanche because Sophia ran away]
I can't believe you said that. If I weren't a lady, I'd deck you.
If you'd try, I'd have you on your back so fast, you'd think you're out on a date.
Blanche, do you know what your problem is? You're all talk and no action. Just like your sex life.
What are you saying? Are you saying I'm not a tramp? Then why do you think they call me the female Ted Kennedy?
Because you look like him.
RRamone
You're Chuy Castillos?
Yeah?
RRamone
You look like one of the Super Mario Bros.
It's taken two years, but as of today I will have lost 140 pounds of ugly fat.
You used to be heavy?
No, married.
Yeah, today's the day that Chuy signs his final divorce papers.
Oh, I'll bet you have mixed feelings about that.
Are you kidding? I'm thrilled it's over. Eight years. Eight long, miserable years. Do you know what it's like to live with a foul-mouthed, vicious shrew for eight years?
[to Rose] Move it or lose it, you Danish dork!
I guess you do.
S1 E8Just a Gigolo
NDNick DeCarlo
You're smarter than you look.
I wish I could believe that.
S1 E9Marriage on the Rocks, With a Twist
[about her husband George] He was a lusty man. Lusty, zesty man. Lusty, zesty cowboy who liked to ride all night!
I thought this practical joke would make me laugh, but it hasn't. It's affected me in ways I didn't think possible.
It made you feel ashamed, didn't it?
No, it excited me sexually.
Sophia!
I'm just as shocked as you are.
S1 E10Camp Town Races Aren't Nearly as Much Fun as They Used to Be
It's not up to us to make moral judgements about the people staying in this hotel. [notices sign reading "Daughters of the Traditional South" in the lobby] "Daughters of the Traditional South?" Those bigots in bonnets aren't staying in this hotel!
Roland, there is nothing wrong with the Daughters of the Traditional South!
Oh, I see; when they put those sheets on over their heads it must be some kind of salute to Casper the Friendly Ghost.
Ooh, when is that?
S1 E11It's Beginning to Look a Lot (Less) Like Christmas
[as Santa Claus] What do you want for Christmas, little girl?
I wanna stay on your lap 'til New Years!
Sophia!
All right, how about a sponge bath with some elves?
[singing] Two turtle doves, and a Partridge in a Pear Tree...
OK, OK, I believe you! There is a 48-Day version. Boy, last time I was in a place this cold they were hanging up Jimmy Hoffer by his--[singing] Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, jingle all the way...
[to Roland] That's not a very nice Christmas attitude for someone who wants to play Saint Nick. Come on! Let's hear those reindeer names, Buster!
Dancer, Prancer, Donner, Blitzen, Freezing, Fricking, Mother-
Roland!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Golden Palace pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.