I'm tired of giving in. I give in every day of my life! I give in to my boss, I give in to my neighbors, I even give in and buy American. And when that breaks, I buy American again!
S1 E6Drew Meets Lawyers
S1 E7Drew in Court
Ms. Bobeck, will you please tell the court what you told me out in the hall? And remember, there were witnesses! [gestures to Kate, Oswald and Lewis]
I said I think you're a disgusting pig and I hate your guts with an all-consuming passion.
After that.
I'd do whatever it took to get you put away.
After that.
You four-eyed butt weasel.
Your honour, I would like you to consider this witness's testimony impeached and I also would like to request a 10 minute recess because, well, that hurt!
How did I harass Nora by putting up that cartoon? Define sexual harassment for me!
According to this, sexual harassment is any unwelcome touching or advance.
That's every sexual advance I make!
Here's a joke that won't offend anybody: a person and a person walk into a place. There, that's it.
[making closing argument] That guy at Tiananmen Square wasn't trying to stop a tank; he was trying to tell a funny knock-knock joke. 'Knock Knock. Who's there? A big-ass tank.' Lighten up, people!
S1 E8Lewis' Sister
How did it go?
We had really great seats. You could almost see the Angel of Death right behind Keith Richards.
[about Drew and Janet] What if it doesn't work out? If she dumps you, it'll make things incredibly awkward. And if you dump her, there'll be nobody to comfort her because everybody will be too busy trying to catch the monkeys that are flying out of my butt.
Don't worry about Drew, he's just a big teddy bear! [Rubs his stomach.]
Kate, don't rub my stomach. How'd you like it if you were in a business meeting and I went over and honked your breasts?
Basketball...is war. To lose...is to die. And last Saturday, we got killed. I am ashamed to be your coach. [throws his hat on the floor] Should we give up? Should we turn in our uniforms? Should we admit we're losers? Or should we stop the lollygagging and start playing some basketball?! Now listen up, ladies... [camera shows that he's coaching a team of girls] ...I'm not doing this for my health. I don't do anything for my health. I'm not doing this because the shorts make me look good. I got better shorts, shorts you'll never see. No, I am doing this for the Winfred-Lauder department store. And if I'm going to be volunteering my time, I want to see some effort! I want to see sweat! I want to see blood! I want to see someone get hurt!
[giving Drew a reason to ask out Janet] You're not seeing anybody.
Please, I'm already using that excuse for not exercising.
S1 E9Drew and Mrs. Louder
She sent a note... and it's a dirty note! 'The penis mightier than the sword!'
Let me see that...That's 'pen is,' you moron!
Sounds like she's really got you by the 'pen is.'
S1 E10Science Names Suck
Fudgesicle. I like anything on a stick.
S1 E11The Electron Doesn't Fall Far from the Tree
How about some 8-ball? Winner gets complete control of the loser's life.
Wait, I already lost that to you last week.
Well, then you have no choice.
You know, I was driving around today and I got the strangest feeling I was supposed to do something.
You were supposed to pick up my dad at the airport! Damn it! Now I gotta...
DSDrew's Dad
What the hell did I tell you about swearing?
Only at church and in front of old ladies! Hi, Dad!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Drew Carey Show pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.