You put MIMI in Cosmetics?! Oh, great. Why don't we just put Ike Turner in the complaints department?
S1 E12Isomers Have Distinct Characteristics
S1 E13Drew and the Unstable Element
[about Earl] So he is crazy?
Hey, I don't want to be the first to call anybody crazy.
...I already did.
Then I concur. He's wicky in the wacky woo.
How could I miss it? We gave him a psychological profile. He passed with flying colors. Look. Under the question, "Have you ever experienced seizures, blackouts, or been institutionalized?" Says 'Never'
It doesn't say 'Never'; it says 'Over' as in 'turn over'.
No, it doesn't. [turns paper over] OH MY GOD!
What's it say?
Well, it says in so many words, technically speaking, that he's wicky in the wacky woo.
S1 E15There is No Scientific Name for a Show About God
Thanks, Mimi. You're a Saint...Bernard.
So, I see you've got a Bible there. Let me save you some reading; you're going to Hell.
Yeah, I've always wanted to see your place.
S1 E16Drew's New Assistant
[After walking into Mimi's apartment] Wow! Suddenly my eyes won't focus.
Boy, you go to a garage sale and you wonder who buys all that crap...
S1 E17The Front
Sorry I'm late. I was signing up for DrugCo's testing program.
They test drugs on employees?
Yeah, they used to test them on rats but they kept exploding.
Gee, doc, are there any side effects to this new drug? Well, just the one: kaboom!
Hey, I want in on this! What kind of drugs are they testing?
Smart drugs.
They got drugs that make you smarter? What do they do?
Well, our friend Oswald has stumbled onto a complex question: what is intelligence?
Well, it's not finding out rats explode and going "Hey, where do I sign up?"
[After Lewis and Oswald have been taking smart pills with no apparent effect]
Let's go get something soft to eat. My cavity is hurting and neurons are spiking through my cerebral cortex like electrons through a linear accelerator.
...What'd you say?
...I said, "Let's get yogurt."
Oh, okay. For a minute there I thought you said something smart. [They start to leave] Hey, are they still using linear accelerators?
Actually, most particle accelerators are circular.
Don't you mean "elliptical"?
Ah, but aren't all circles ellipses? [They laugh] ... where's the car?
[They look around stupidly]
S1 E19Atomic Cat Fight
We're not going to fight for a job.
What if we provide a cage?
If Kate gets the job, then it's not because she's the best friend a guy could ever have. And if Lisa gets the job, then it's not because that's the only chance we have of dating. But if Mimi gets the job, I want you to kill me and find the microchip. I'd rather be dead than serve those stinking extraterrestrials!
I actually learned something about myself; I don't have to resort to anger.
You tried to kill that lady's dog and cat.
Oh, you heard that?
CChuck
Should I cut off the airflow? Seal a few vents in the area? Takes the fight right out of them.
Nah, maybe later, just for fun.
S1 E20Drew and Kate and Kate's Mom
[Mimi walks to her desk and sees the man who looks exactly like Drew.] So much crap, they had to start a second pile.
I'm fine. Why wouldn't I be? Men are slime.
Amen to that, sister!
Kiss me.
What?!
[Kate leans in closer.]
Kiss!
Hey, you don't know what you're saying. You're drunk. And you've been throwing up.
Besides, I can have any man in this bar! Am I right? [Climbs on table]
Hey, she's been drinking! And I know there's not a man in this bar who'd take advantage of a woman who's been drinking.
[whispering] I have a gun.
I have a gun!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Drew Carey Show pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.