Cliff Huxtable quotes from The Cosby Show

Cliff

That's it. You're going to the emergency room.

Clair

What if they tell me it's broken?

Cliff

If no one tells you it's broken, and it is broken, how will you know it's broken?

Cliff

[Looking at the x-ray] Look, look at this. Right here. See that?

Theo

Oh, wait a minute! That looks like a hair.

Cliff

That's right! This is called a hairline fracture of the promixal phalanx of the fourth toe. Understand that?

Theo

That's cool!

Cliff

All right, it is!

Clair

Will the two of you please take my foot someplace else and leave me alone?

Cliff

Okay. You want to take it to school and show it to your friends?

Cliff

That's it. You're going to the emergency room.

Clair

What if they tell me it's broken?

Cliff

If no one tells you it's broken, and it is broken, how will you know it's broken?

Cliff

[Looking at the x-ray] Look, look at this. Right here. See that?

Theo

Oh, wait a minute! That looks like a hair.

Cliff

That's right! This is called a hairline fracture of the promixal phalanx of the fourth toe. Understand that?

Theo

That's cool!

Cliff

All right, it is!

Clair

Will the two of you please take my foot someplace else and leave me alone?

Cliff

Okay. You want to take it to school and show it to your friends?

Theo

Dad, what are you doing?

Cliff

I'm putting hors d'oeuvres down for the guests.

Theo

Why?

Cliff

Because I always put hors d'oeuvres out for the guests.

Theo

Dad, this is gonna make the evening longer. Couldn't we just come in and go to the table and start eating?

Cliff

If you'd like, I'll just put the food in a brown paper bag and have 'em eat it out on the sidewalk.

Clair

Vanessa, what has gotten into you? I have never, ever seen you act like this.

Vanessa

Mom, come on, Denise and I have fought over clothes before.

Cliff

But not to the death!

Clair

Vanessa, what has gotten into you? I have never, ever seen you act like this.

Vanessa

Mom, come on, Denise and I have fought over clothes before.

Cliff

But not to the death!

Vanessa

I thought it over and I've decided I'm not taking off this sweater until you apologize for poking me in the shoulder.

Denise

I'm not apologizing.

Vanessa

Okay. [pokes Denise in the shoulder] We're even.

Denise

Hey, wait a minute. You're not even, you're still wearing my sweater.

Vanessa

Knock it off, Denise!

Denise

I don't have to.

Vanessa

You're just mad because this sweater looks better on me.

Denise

Yeah, right.

Vanessa

Don't shove me!

Denise

I can shove you any time I want to!

Vanessa

Is that right?!

Denise

Yeah, that's right!

Vanessa

Get off! Let go of me, Denise!

Denise

Let me-- LET GO-- LET GO OF MY HAIR VANESSA!!! LET GO! [Rudy is outside hearing the fight and Cliff and Clair rushes over]

Cliff

What's goin' on in there?

Rudy

Fight, fight!

Cliff

All right, now-- stop stop the two of you stop! Stop it! [Cliff falls over]

Rudy

[screaming] STOP IT!!!!!!!

Clair

All right, that's enough that's enough now stop, Denise and Vanessa, I said you better stop! Cliff, are you alright?

Cliff

They took me out.

Clair

Rudy, wait in my room please

Rudy

Do I have to?

Clair

Yes you do.

Rudy

Now.

Clair

Yes now.

Rudy

Oh boy.

Clair

I wanna know what's goin' on in here? [Denise and Vanessa talk at the same time] Wait a minute, wait a minute. Denise you go first.

Vanessa

Why does she get to go first?!

Clair

Because I said so!

Denise

She went into my closet and took the sweater: the one I said she couldn't have [Denise hits Vanessa and they keep fighting]

Clair

GIRLS, I SAID "STOP"!!! Stop it. Vanessa is this true?

Vanessa

Well---

Cliff

[Interrupting her] No, no, no, before you start to say "No" let me remind you that you are wearing the evidence?

Vanessa

Oh yeah. Well, mom she shoved me!

Denise

I shoved her because she took my sweater!

Clair

We have rules in this house: one of them is "We don't take things that don't belong to us" and the other one is "We don't try to kill each other", Denise, you may not drive your car for 2 days.

Denise

But mom!

Clair

Don't "But mom" me! Vanessa, you can't talk on the telephone for the next 2 days. Now give your sister her sweater back.

Cliff

And you will wear the same clothes for 2 days in a row!

Vanessa

Aw, come on, dad!

Clair

Come on, Vanessa, give your sister her sweater back. [Vanessa throws Denise's sweater at her]

Denise

Stop!

Clair

Give it back nicely.

Vanessa

I'm sorry, Denise.

Denise

Now I have to get it clean!

Clair

Okay, the money for the cleaning comes out of your allowance.

Vanessa

Yes, mom.

Clair

Vanessa, what has gotten into you? I have never, ever seen you act like this.

Vanessa

Mom, come on, Denise and I have fought over clothes before.

Cliff

Yeah, but not to the death!

Dr. Burns

So I'll see you Thursday afternoon 4 o'clock.

Cliff

Dr. Burns, will you show me the teeth?

Dr. Burns

Yes.

Cliff

Will you let me ride in the 'tooth shuttle'?

Dr. Burns

Well, you're getting a little old for that, but yes. Oh, and Cliff?

Cliff

Yes?

Dr. Burns

When you leave, take just one toy please?

Cliff

But I let you kiss my wife!

Dr. Burns

Two toys?

Dr. Burns

So I'll see you Thursday afternoon 4 o'clock.

Cliff

Dr. Burns, will you show me the teeth?

Dr. Burns

Yes.

Cliff

Will you let me ride in the 'tooth shuttle'?

Dr. Burns

Well, you're getting a little old for that, but yes. Oh, and Cliff?

Cliff

Yes?

Dr. Burns

When you leave, take just one toy please?

Cliff

But I let you kiss my wife!

Dr. Burns

Two toys?

Cliff

Well, I believe that's the first time a Morehouse man has had nothing to say!

Or come to a Hillman man for advice!

Cliff

Well, I believe that's the first time a Morehouse man has had nothing to say!

Or come to a Hillman man for advice!

Cockroach

Why do I need math? When I get older, I'm gonna inherit my dad's scrap-iron business.

Cliff

You need math because you're gonna have to be able to count the pieces of metal as they come off the line.

Cockroach

We have a foreman who does that.

Cliff

Okay, you need math so you can count the money.

Cockroach

We have an accountant who does that.

Cliff

Then you're gonna be broke!

Cockroach

No way!

Cliff

If the foreman can count and the accountant can count and you can't, you're gonna be broke!

Cockroach

Why do I need math? When I get older, I'm gonna inherit my dad's scrap-iron business.

Cliff

You need math because you're gonna have to be able to count the pieces of metal as they come off the line.

Cockroach

We have a foreman who does that.

Cliff

Okay, you need math so you can count the money.

Cockroach

We have an accountant who does that.

Cliff

Then you're gonna be broke!

Cockroach

No way!

Cliff

If the foreman can count and the accountant can count and you can't, you're gonna be broke!

Theo

Dad, can I have an advance on my allowance?

Cliff

I'm sorry son, you're already backed up to your 50th birthday.