Lt. Provenza quotes from The Closer

Tao

Whether it was the driver or someone else, the kidnapper would have gotten rid of the car pretty quickly.

Brenda

Probably somewhere near the airport. Lt. Provenza! I really need that car, and you seem to be awfully frisky this afternoon.

Provenza

Well, yes I am! And Chief, this is perfect weather to organize a grid search for a town car. And I could really go for a nice long walk around LAX. It'd be good for me!

Pope

Ok, do we have a breathalyzer up here?

Provenza

There's over 5 million dollars here, and the kidnappers only want a little over a million! Now if Summers was behind this, don't you think he'd want to take it all?

Tao

Maybe he wanted to leave something behind for his wife.

Brenda

You haven't met her.

Provenza

I remember Raydor back when she was a sergeant; filed a complaint against my old partner, George Andrews, said he was misogynistic. We had to look it up! Got both of us four months of sensitivity training.

Brenda

Well, that was a complete waste of time.

[sees Provenza tear through some red tape around a crime scene] Hey, hey, hey! What are you doing!

Provenza

We're headed to the newsstand to pick up a paper, read about the two FEID guys who got fired because they disregarded orders from the Pope.

Listen, I'm not going to --

Brenda

Tone. Tone, tone. That's not any way to talk to a lieutenant or a deputy chief for that matter. Sir, if you do anything to interfere with my murder investigation I'll see to it that you spend the next month on unpaid leave. Is that understood?

Brenda

I hate to ask ya'll this since I know it's against your nature, but do you think you could distract Eric's parents and his lawyer, sort of irritate them down the hall.

Provenza

[makes grand gesture in front of Lt. Flynn] After you!

Provenza

What?

Flynn

What? You're eating fruit!

Provenza

I'm trying to cut back on fatty foods. Lauren says my diet makes me feel older.

Flynn

You know what's making you feel older? Your age!

The constellation of Sagittarius. In particular, the Milky Way. Hundreds of thousands of stars crammed together at the center of the galaxy, shining brightest in north America during the months of July and August. In fact, during a recent gathering --

Provenza

Thank you, Dr. Sagan! Can you please just scroll through the photos?

Brenda

Lieutenant, has it even occurred to you that these women just asked ya'll out because they were using you?

Flynn

That's crazy!

Provenza

I won't even dignify that with a response!

Brenda

(answers phone): Deputy Chief Johnson.

Provenza

Where are you?

Pope

(to Provenza): Is that Chief Johnson?

Provenza

My proctologist. You need something?

Pope

No. No, I just... You're asking where your proctologist is?

Provenza

Yes. I hate it when he surprises me.

Brenda

Lieutenants Flynn and Provenza, here, now.

Provenza

Chief, now I know you're a little upset, but --

Brenda

There are no buts, lieutenant! I am suspending you both for the next seventy-two hours.

Flynn

On what grounds?

Brenda

On the grounds that you procured outside employment without authorization, used LAPD equipment to conduct a warrantless search, enlisted a civilian in your illicit activities. Need I go on?

Provenza

No, that's a pretty complete list.

Brenda

And since Major Crimes has agreed to leave the pursuit of Mr. Hirschbaum to the FBI, I would be appalled if you, as private citizens, tried to serve him again by tracking a number that might point to his current whereabouts. [hands Provenza a piece of paper with a number on it] Tell Buzz that he and his "catfish" device are suspended as well.

Flynn

I say we just cut our losses and get out of here.

Provenza

We can't afford to cut our losses! We are in the middle of a very deep hole, which is now filling with water. We need the money to break even!

Provenza

[trying to get Buzz to go along with their illicit actions] And we'll give you a third of our take! Two hundred dollars!

Provenza

So, even if Buzz's insurance covers part of the repairs, if his deductible is a thousand dollars, we're still three thousand in the hole.

Buzz

What?!

Provenza

You know what this means!

Buzz

Yeah. I'm rich.

Provenza

No! You're going to split this three ways!

Buzz

Sure! You can each have a third. Two hundred dollars.