Dave quotes from The Alvin Show

[mocking Sam Valiant] "Where the tumbleweeds l'amour toujours". How am I gonna get anything done with that crazy song-plugger around?

You ruined our careers. Get back on that stage!

Well, that looks more like it. The boys have really done a good job. They put everything in its place. I always say, there's a place for everything... [he opens the garage door, only to find out the boys have moved the entire mess inside] ...and... everything... ALVIN!!!

Alvin

Dave, I gotta borrow your skis.

[casually] Sure, Alvin. [confused] My skis? Alvin, why do you want my skis?

Alvin

I'm gonna shove Stanley off the roof!

Hold it, Alvin. You can't shove Stanley off the roof! And who is Stanley?

Alvin

He's my eagle.

Come here, Alvin. You have no eagle. Eagles live only in high mountains. [as he lectures Alvin, Stanley bounces up and down by the window] They're never where people are. They fly only at an elevation of, uh... 14... [shakes his head in shock, and looks out the window, seeing Stanley] What was that?

Alvin

That's Stanley, the eagle!

[terrified] EAGLE?! THAT'S A WILD EAGLE!!! I'll call the police! Now, don't panic, Alvin! Operator, emergency! P-Police?! There's a wild eagle in my yard! That's right! Wild eagle! Alvin, don't go outside. I KNOW they live only in high places! Alvin, come back here, where's Simon and Theodore? I KNOW they never-- I tell you, there's an eagle! Yeah! A 40-foot wingspan eagle!

[pointing] Arrest that eagle!

[scene cuts to Alvin standing innocently next to the birdhouse] What eagle?

Why that eagle! [looks, but doesn’t see Stanley] right... [pause] Alvin, where's that eagle? [getting mad] Alvin! Tell them about the eagle!!

Alvin

Eagle? Eagles live only in high mountains, they're never in-

Now cut that out! Tell them about Stanley!

Alvin

[innocently looks around] Stanley?

Yeah! Stanley the Eagle, you know! [pointing at the birdhouse] And! That's! His! House!

[bemused, while the cop on the left points] "Stanley the eagle and that's his house."

Come with us Seville.

[they take Dave away] You've been making too many of them nutty records.

[the three Chipmunks watch Stanley fly in circles above] Now wait a minute! Alvin, tell them about Stanley! Tell them about Stanley the eagle! Alvin!? Alvin!? ALVIN!!!

[talking quickly] Sam Valiant, Private Nose, at your service, check! The right nose in the right place at the right time! The Valiant nose strikes again and the case is solved! There's your culprit! [handcuffs Alvin]

Alvin

Hey! I'm Alvin!

Sam Valiant does it again! Cough up the tape, boy, and let's be quick about it!

Stop, that's Alvin!

Definitely the criminal type, check. Low forehead, check, eyes too close together, sullen look, check.

That's Alvin! He's not the thief, he lives here!

Check.

Please remove those handcuffs.

[frees Alvin] You can't fool the nose, sir, check! [sniffs] Smells definitely like recording tape.

Mr. Valiant, this is a recording room.

Check.

It's full of tape.

Check.

Even I could smell of tape.

Check, confession is good for the soul, boy! Cooperate, and law will be lenient! Remember, anything you say may be held against you.

Listen, Sam, I wrote that tape!

Double incrimination! Wrote the tape and stole the tape! Charged on two counts!

Oh, no.

Simon

Leave Dave alone!

Theodore

Yeah!

Alvin

You've got a bum nose, mister!

That's a very unfortunate reference, boy! Never insult the nose! The eyes do not see what they think they blink, the ears are misleading, the feet go wrong, but the nose knows! The nose has heart, the nose has soul! Hail the noble nose!

Okay, Mr. Valiant, you have a splendid nose, now will you tell it to find my tape?!

Check.

Theodore

Mr. Valiant!

Don't bother me, boy.

Theodore

I found the tape!

Forget it, boy! Clues, find clues, look for clues!

[surprised] The tape!

Theodore

George built a nest!

Bird on the tape, tape in the hat, the nose comes through, and the case is closed. [takes the tape in the hat] Here's your tape, check, and here's my bill, check, send me a check, check, never underestimate the power of the nose, check! [cluelessly puts the hat with the tape over his head; Dave reads the bill, which totals up to $125] The nose knows all, sees all, and hears all, check!

Alvin

He's got your tape, Dave!

Theodore

And George's nest! Call him back, Dave!

No, I couldn't stand it! I'll re-tape the check-- Tape, check! Check the tape-- Ohhh!

Well, hi, Simon.

Simon

Hi.

Theodore.

Theodore

[giggles] Hi!

Alvin, I see you've got here early, and you're rehearsing the band. That's very good. You know I would-- What's that great, big, expensive orchestra waiting for over there? Oh, boy! I'm sure glad they don't belong to... Alvin? Alvin. Say something, Alvin!

Alvin

Everybody ready? Violins, saxophones, trumpets?

You mean you hired all those musicians?

Alvin

You bet I did!

You know how much a 50-piece orchestra costs?!

Alvin

Ready, boys? [taps his baton]

Wait a minute, you don't need a 50-piece orchestra to play for three chipmunks--! [the orchestra starts playing loudly]

Alvin, will you cut it out?! What do you think we're gonna pay this orchestra with, chestnuts?! Now listen to--

Alvin

Slow down, buddy. I absolutely cannot understand a single word you're saying.

You can't understand a word I'm saying? YOU CAN'T UNDERSTAND A WORD I'M SAYING?! Simon, Theodore, will you cut out that "la, la, la" and listen to me?! ORCHESTRA, WILL YOU PLEASE GO HOME?! ALVIN, STOP LEADING THAT ORCHESTRA! ALVIN! ALVIN...!

Fill 'er up.

Which one, sir?

The egg, of course!

Say! Aren't you the guy who writes those nutty records?

Never mind that, just fill 'er up!

Mama, look!

Wilbur, don't stare. It's only that man who writes those nutty records.

Alvin, you've disgraced me for the last time. It's bad enough tricking me into buying this car, but I'm not going to play chauffeur to that ostrich! I'll be the laughing stock of the--

[mistaking the ostrich for a car behind him] Well, stop honking and come on around!

You're very prudent, Mr. Seville. No car should be without insurance. Is that a car, sir?

That's it, right there.

[referring to the ostrich] Is that part of the equipment?

Unfortunately, yes.

[looking through his manual] Insure... car without ostrich... Yes. [the ostrich gulps] Car with ostrich... No.

Couldn't you make it a package deal, car and ostrich?

[continues to flip through the manual] There's nothing in the book that covers car and ostrich, Mr. Seville.

Can't I even have fire insuance?

Mr. Seville, ostriches are highly flammable. Good day, sir. And don't drive that car without insurance. It's illegal. Uh, by the way, aren't you the man who--

[irritated] YEAH!!!

Alvin

Hey, Dave! What's the idea?!

I'll tell you what's the idea. The idea is no more TV until you get that ostrich off the car!

Alvin

But she's hatching it!

Alvin, that ostrich couldn't hatch anything out of that car if she sat on it for a thousand years! Either you get that bird off that car, or no more TV!

Alvin

You mean, I can't watch me?!

No, not for a year!

Alvin

But, Dave!

Make that two years!

Theodore

No TV for two years?! Wowee!

Alvin

[annoyed] "Alvin, Alvin." I know what he wants. Work. [spins in the hammock, falls out, and hits the ground] Work, work, work. [walks up to the house] Rehearse in the morning, rehearse in the afternoon, rehearse at night... [enters the house]

Come on, come on! Let's go, we've got work to do!

Alvin

Is there no end to it?

All right, Alvin, I think that's about enough.

Alvin

Rehearse, rehearse, rehearse! [angrily plays the harmonica]

I said, that's enough, Alvin!

Alvin

Stop trying to shirk, work, work, work! Blah, blah, blah!

Now, cut that out! Alvin, can't I make you understand that we're a team, and to work as a team, we've got to rehearse as a team? It's teamwork, Alvin, teamwork!

Alvin

Teamwork! Teamwork! Teamwork?!

All right, Alvin, I think you'd better go up to your room and think about what I said.

Alvin

Okay! I can't. We got a baseball game this afternoon.

No baseball.

Alvin

But I've gotta pitch!

No pitch, and no football, basketball, volleyball, marbles, tiddlywinks, nothing. Absolutely nothing! Now go to your room!

Alvin, Alvin, Alvin. Aren't you forgetting something, Alvin?

Alvin

What?

Just what do you think is going to happen to Dave and the boys without your talent to help them?

Alvin

I don't care.

But don't you realize? They'll hit rock bottom!

Alvin

So?

Alvin, I just can't believe that you would let Dave and the boys... [a vision shows Dave, Theodore, and Simon homeless and out in the streets on a cold winter] stand out on some dark, lonely street corner in the freezing snow.

Simon

Dave! Dave! What is it?!

[weakly] It's... It's hunger, boys. Hunger. I think I'm beginning to go.

Simon

What'll we do, Dave?

Theodore

We don't have any money.

Simon

No food.

Theodore

Yeah! No food!

Simon

Dave, we've just gotta do something before you... Before you...

Theodore

Why don't we ask Alvin for help, Simon?

No... No, you can't do that. You can't expect a star like him to care what happens to three bums like us. Oh, Alvin, why did you ever leave us?