Simon quotes from The Alvin Show

Simon

Oh Sir Alvin, save me! Oh kiss me Sir Alvin! [Theodore giggles as Simon kisses the air]

Alvin

What'll we do?

Theodore

I don't know.

Simon

What do you wanna do?

Alvin

[looking up] I don't know... wanna build somethin'?

Simon

[to Alvin] What?

Alvin

[shrugs] I don’t know.

Simon

[shrugs] How about a bird house?

Theodore

Heheh yeah! Maybe we could get a bird to play with.

Simon

[to Theodore] Sure! A robin!

Theodore

A bluebird!

Alvin

What's the matter with an eagle?

[talking quickly] Sam Valiant, Private Nose, at your service, check! The right nose in the right place at the right time! The Valiant nose strikes again and the case is solved! There's your culprit! [handcuffs Alvin]

Alvin

Hey! I'm Alvin!

Sam Valiant does it again! Cough up the tape, boy, and let's be quick about it!

Stop, that's Alvin!

Definitely the criminal type, check. Low forehead, check, eyes too close together, sullen look, check.

That's Alvin! He's not the thief, he lives here!

Check.

Please remove those handcuffs.

[frees Alvin] You can't fool the nose, sir, check! [sniffs] Smells definitely like recording tape.

Mr. Valiant, this is a recording room.

Check.

It's full of tape.

Check.

Even I could smell of tape.

Check, confession is good for the soul, boy! Cooperate, and law will be lenient! Remember, anything you say may be held against you.

Listen, Sam, I wrote that tape!

Double incrimination! Wrote the tape and stole the tape! Charged on two counts!

Oh, no.

Simon

Leave Dave alone!

Theodore

Yeah!

Alvin

You've got a bum nose, mister!

That's a very unfortunate reference, boy! Never insult the nose! The eyes do not see what they think they blink, the ears are misleading, the feet go wrong, but the nose knows! The nose has heart, the nose has soul! Hail the noble nose!

Okay, Mr. Valiant, you have a splendid nose, now will you tell it to find my tape?!

Check.

Theodore

Mr. Valiant!

Don't bother me, boy.

Theodore

I found the tape!

Forget it, boy! Clues, find clues, look for clues!

[surprised] The tape!

Theodore

George built a nest!

Bird on the tape, tape in the hat, the nose comes through, and the case is closed. [takes the tape in the hat] Here's your tape, check, and here's my bill, check, send me a check, check, never underestimate the power of the nose, check! [cluelessly puts the hat with the tape over his head; Dave reads the bill, which totals up to $125] The nose knows all, sees all, and hears all, check!

Alvin

He's got your tape, Dave!

Theodore

And George's nest! Call him back, Dave!

No, I couldn't stand it! I'll re-tape the check-- Tape, check! Check the tape-- Ohhh!

Well, hi, Simon.

Simon

Hi.

Theodore.

Theodore

[giggles] Hi!

Alvin, I see you've got here early, and you're rehearsing the band. That's very good. You know I would-- What's that great, big, expensive orchestra waiting for over there? Oh, boy! I'm sure glad they don't belong to... Alvin? Alvin. Say something, Alvin!

Alvin

Everybody ready? Violins, saxophones, trumpets?

You mean you hired all those musicians?

Alvin

You bet I did!

You know how much a 50-piece orchestra costs?!

Alvin

Ready, boys? [taps his baton]

Wait a minute, you don't need a 50-piece orchestra to play for three chipmunks--! [the orchestra starts playing loudly]

Hello, boys. I'm your new neighbor.

Alvin

Hi, neighbor!

Theodore

[giggles] Howdy, neighbor!

Simon

Hello, neighbor.

Boys, I've got a problem. I work nights. [the Chipmunks tisk] That means I've got to sleep all day.

Alvin

He sleeps all day.

Unless I'm disturbed. And then I get very UNHAPPY! Don't make me unhappy, boys. Bye.

Alvin, Alvin, Alvin. Aren't you forgetting something, Alvin?

Alvin

What?

Just what do you think is going to happen to Dave and the boys without your talent to help them?

Alvin

I don't care.

But don't you realize? They'll hit rock bottom!

Alvin

So?

Alvin, I just can't believe that you would let Dave and the boys... [a vision shows Dave, Theodore, and Simon homeless and out in the streets on a cold winter] stand out on some dark, lonely street corner in the freezing snow.

Simon

Dave! Dave! What is it?!

[weakly] It's... It's hunger, boys. Hunger. I think I'm beginning to go.

Simon

What'll we do, Dave?

Theodore

We don't have any money.

Simon

No food.

Theodore

Yeah! No food!

Simon

Dave, we've just gotta do something before you... Before you...

Theodore

Why don't we ask Alvin for help, Simon?

No... No, you can't do that. You can't expect a star like him to care what happens to three bums like us. Oh, Alvin, why did you ever leave us?

There's so many things to see and enjoy, boys. Nature's children are all around us. [Alvin leaves without Dave noticing] And if we don't alarm them, they'll be our friends. [the bear snatches Alvin's hat] And if we're kind to them, they'll be kind to us. They can teach us many lessons. [the bear wears Alvin's cap] Can you name one, Alvin? Alvin? [Simon and Theodore see the bear coming and run away] Alvin? [the bear comes up to Dave; he gasps] ALVIN!! [runs away] THE BEAR ATE ALVIN! [the startled bear runs away] HELP! EVERYBODY! CALL THE POLICE! SAVE MY ALVIN! [a police officer stands nearby] Somebody save my Alvin!

[holds his hand up] Hold it. [Dave, Simon, and Theodore skid to a halt] What's all the panic, mister?

Alvin! A bear ate Alvin!

Oh, calm down, calm down, these park bears wouldn't eat Alvin. Who's Alvin?

[cries on the officer's shoulder] Alvin is the cutest, the sweetest, the greatest...

Simon

Hey, Dave?

And I tell you, a bear DID eat Alvin, and...

Theodore

Dave?! Dave!

You shouldn't get hysterical in front of the kids, mister.

[outraged] I demand justice, sir! GET THAT BEAR--!

[both at the same time] Alvin's digging gold!

[surprised] What? Simon, Theodore, what did you say?

Simon

Alvin's digging gold, Dave.

Theodore

Yeah! [giggles] He probably just lost his path.

[relieved] Oh, thank goodness. [angry] Why, that little--

Now that we've solved your problem, sir, if you will excuse me, I've got a problem of my own. I'm up here looking for a payroll bandit. Now if you'll keep an eye open for my bandit, I'll keep an eye open for your Alvin.

Yeah, well, swell, officer. Thanks a lot. [horrified] BANDIT?!

Alvin

Oh, boy! Hey, Dave, look what I found!

Simon

Hey, look what Alvin's got!

Theodore

Yeah! [giggles]

Alvin

Isn't this a keen Halloween mask?

Simon

That's not a Halloween mask. That's a primitive ceremonial mask.

Primitive mask?! Then there must be primitive people around! Careful, boys.

What is it, Dave?

[trembling] Don't get s... Don't get scared, fellas. We're in danger, but don't... p... panic. There's a native cleaning his b-b-blow gun. The kind that... sh-sh-sh... shoots... poisoned arrows.

Poisoned arrows?!

Oh, those kids. How can they get this yard so messed up in such a short time? Theodore! Simon! Alvin!

Simon

Yes, Dave?

Theodore

Yes, Dave?

Alvin

Yeah?

All right, now, just look at this yard! [Alvin tries to sleepwalk away]

Alvin

Uh-huh.

Alvin! Come back here! [Alvin complies] Now, look. This yard is a disgrace and a mess. I want you to pick up your toys, put away your bike, get rid of those boxes, put up the ping pong paddles, clean up trash, in other words, clean up this yard!

Alvin

Aw, Dave! That sounds like a lotta work!

Work never hurt anybody. Anyway, it can be fun if you hum, or sing, or even whistle while you work.