A character in The Alvin Show
AlvinWhat'll we do?
I don't know.
What do you wanna do?
Alvin[looking up] I don't know... wanna build somethin'?
[to Alvin] What?
Alvin[shrugs] I don’t know.
[shrugs] How about a bird house?
Heheh yeah! Maybe we could get a bird to play with.
[to Theodore] Sure! A robin!
A bluebird!
AlvinWhat's the matter with an eagle?
AlvinDave, I gotta borrow your skis.
[casually] Sure, Alvin. [confused] My skis? Alvin, why do you want my skis?
AlvinI'm gonna shove Stanley off the roof!
Hold it, Alvin. You can't shove Stanley off the roof! And who is Stanley?
AlvinHe's my eagle.
Come here, Alvin. You have no eagle. Eagles live only in high mountains. [as he lectures Alvin, Stanley bounces up and down by the window] They're never where people are. They fly only at an elevation of, uh... 14... [shakes his head in shock, and looks out the window, seeing Stanley] What was that?
AlvinThat's Stanley, the eagle!
[terrified] EAGLE?! THAT'S A WILD EAGLE!!! I'll call the police! Now, don't panic, Alvin! Operator, emergency! P-Police?! There's a wild eagle in my yard! That's right! Wild eagle! Alvin, don't go outside. I KNOW they live only in high places! Alvin, come back here, where's Simon and Theodore? I KNOW they never-- I tell you, there's an eagle! Yeah! A 40-foot wingspan eagle!
[pointing] Arrest that eagle!
[scene cuts to Alvin standing innocently next to the birdhouse] What eagle?
Why that eagle! [looks, but doesn’t see Stanley] right... [pause] Alvin, where's that eagle? [getting mad] Alvin! Tell them about the eagle!!
AlvinEagle? Eagles live only in high mountains, they're never in-
Now cut that out! Tell them about Stanley!
Alvin[innocently looks around] Stanley?
Yeah! Stanley the Eagle, you know! [pointing at the birdhouse] And! That's! His! House!
[bemused, while the cop on the left points] "Stanley the eagle and that's his house."
Come with us Seville.
[they take Dave away] You've been making too many of them nutty records.
[the three Chipmunks watch Stanley fly in circles above] Now wait a minute! Alvin, tell them about Stanley! Tell them about Stanley the eagle! Alvin!? Alvin!? ALVIN!!!
[talking quickly] Sam Valiant, Private Nose, at your service, check! The right nose in the right place at the right time! The Valiant nose strikes again and the case is solved! There's your culprit! [handcuffs Alvin]
AlvinHey! I'm Alvin!
Sam Valiant does it again! Cough up the tape, boy, and let's be quick about it!
Stop, that's Alvin!
Definitely the criminal type, check. Low forehead, check, eyes too close together, sullen look, check.
That's Alvin! He's not the thief, he lives here!
Check.
Please remove those handcuffs.
[frees Alvin] You can't fool the nose, sir, check! [sniffs] Smells definitely like recording tape.
Mr. Valiant, this is a recording room.
Check.
It's full of tape.
Check.
Even I could smell of tape.
Check, confession is good for the soul, boy! Cooperate, and law will be lenient! Remember, anything you say may be held against you.
Listen, Sam, I wrote that tape!
Double incrimination! Wrote the tape and stole the tape! Charged on two counts!
Oh, no.
Leave Dave alone!
Yeah!
AlvinYou've got a bum nose, mister!
That's a very unfortunate reference, boy! Never insult the nose! The eyes do not see what they think they blink, the ears are misleading, the feet go wrong, but the nose knows! The nose has heart, the nose has soul! Hail the noble nose!
Okay, Mr. Valiant, you have a splendid nose, now will you tell it to find my tape?!
Check.
Mr. Valiant!
Don't bother me, boy.
I found the tape!
Forget it, boy! Clues, find clues, look for clues!
[surprised] The tape!
[They run over to Theodore.]
George built a nest!
Bird on the tape, tape in the hat, the nose comes through, and the case is closed. [takes the tape in the hat] Here's your tape, check, and here's my bill, check, send me a check, check, never underestimate the power of the nose, check! [cluelessly puts the hat with the tape over his head; Dave reads the bill, which totals up to $125] The nose knows all, sees all, and hears all, check!
[Sam Valiant leaves with the hat and the tape over his head.]
AlvinHe's got your tape, Dave!
And George's nest! Call him back, Dave!
[Dave looks around the room, which is totally wrecked from Valiant's search.]
No, I couldn't stand it! I'll re-tape the check-- Tape, check! Check the tape-- Ohhh!
Well, hi, Simon.
Hi.
Theodore.
[giggles] Hi!
Alvin, I see you've got here early, and you're rehearsing the band. That's very good. You know I would-- What's that great, big, expensive orchestra waiting for over there? Oh, boy! I'm sure glad they don't belong to... Alvin? Alvin. Say something, Alvin!
AlvinEverybody ready? Violins, saxophones, trumpets?
You mean you hired all those musicians?
AlvinYou bet I did!
You know how much a 50-piece orchestra costs?!
AlvinReady, boys? [taps his baton]
Wait a minute, you don't need a 50-piece orchestra to play for three chipmunks--! [the orchestra starts playing loudly]
Alvin, will you cut it out?! What do you think we're gonna pay this orchestra with, chestnuts?! Now listen to--
AlvinSlow down, buddy. I absolutely cannot understand a single word you're saying.
You can't understand a word I'm saying? YOU CAN'T UNDERSTAND A WORD I'M SAYING?! Simon, Theodore, will you cut out that "la, la, la" and listen to me?! ORCHESTRA, WILL YOU PLEASE GO HOME?! ALVIN, STOP LEADING THAT ORCHESTRA! ALVIN! ALVIN...!
[In the end, Dave decides to throw all his money out of his wallet at the orchesta.]
[The Chipmunks are watching TV, when Dave comes over and shuts it off.]
AlvinHey, Dave! What's the idea?!
I'll tell you what's the idea. The idea is no more TV until you get that ostrich off the car!
AlvinBut she's hatching it!
Alvin, that ostrich couldn't hatch anything out of that car if she sat on it for a thousand years! Either you get that bird off that car, or no more TV!
AlvinYou mean, I can't watch me?!
No, not for a year!
AlvinBut, Dave!
Make that two years!
No TV for two years?! Wowee!
Hello, boys. I'm your new neighbor.
AlvinHi, neighbor!
[giggles] Howdy, neighbor!
Hello, neighbor.
Boys, I've got a problem. I work nights. [the Chipmunks tisk] That means I've got to sleep all day.
AlvinHe sleeps all day.
Unless I'm disturbed. And then I get very UNHAPPY! Don't make me unhappy, boys. Bye.
[Dave is calling Alvin inside to rehearse, while he's trying to rest in a hammock.]
Alvin[annoyed] "Alvin, Alvin." I know what he wants. Work. [spins in the hammock, falls out, and hits the ground] Work, work, work. [walks up to the house] Rehearse in the morning, rehearse in the afternoon, rehearse at night... [enters the house]
Come on, come on! Let's go, we've got work to do!
AlvinIs there no end to it?
All right, Alvin, I think that's about enough.
AlvinRehearse, rehearse, rehearse! [angrily plays the harmonica]
I said, that's enough, Alvin!
AlvinStop trying to shirk, work, work, work! Blah, blah, blah!
Now, cut that out! Alvin, can't I make you understand that we're a team, and to work as a team, we've got to rehearse as a team? It's teamwork, Alvin, teamwork!
AlvinTeamwork! Teamwork! Teamwork?!
All right, Alvin, I think you'd better go up to your room and think about what I said.
AlvinOkay! I can't. We got a baseball game this afternoon.
No baseball.
AlvinBut I've gotta pitch!
No pitch, and no football, basketball, volleyball, marbles, tiddlywinks, nothing. Absolutely nothing! Now go to your room!
Alvin, Alvin, Alvin. Aren't you forgetting something, Alvin?
AlvinWhat?
Just what do you think is going to happen to Dave and the boys without your talent to help them?
AlvinI don't care.
But don't you realize? They'll hit rock bottom!
AlvinSo?
Alvin, I just can't believe that you would let Dave and the boys... [a vision shows Dave, Theodore, and Simon homeless and out in the streets on a cold winter] stand out on some dark, lonely street corner in the freezing snow.
[Dave gasps and faints.]
Dave! Dave! What is it?!
[weakly] It's... It's hunger, boys. Hunger. I think I'm beginning to go.
What'll we do, Dave?
We don't have any money.
No food.
Yeah! No food!
Dave, we've just gotta do something before you... Before you...
Why don't we ask Alvin for help, Simon?
No... No, you can't do that. You can't expect a star like him to care what happens to three bums like us. Oh, Alvin, why did you ever leave us?
AlvinI'm going off and find some gold.
[rummaging around in the tent] Never mind the gold, Alvin, just go off and find some water.
AlvinAlvin, go find the water! Why can't Simon find water? Why can't Theodore find the water? Always Alvin! Alvin this, Alvin that, Alvin, Alvin, Alvin, Alvin!
[A geyser of water erupts from underneath the tent, sending Dave flying.]
ALVIN! SHUT IT OFF! SHUT IT OFF!
[The geyser of water disappears, and Dave falls to the ground.]
Alvin, why do you always overdo things?!
[Alvin finds a large snarling mask.]
AlvinOh, boy! Hey, Dave, look what I found!
[Dave sees the mask, gasps in fear, and falls over.]
Hey, look what Alvin's got!
Yeah! [giggles]
AlvinIsn't this a keen Halloween mask?
That's not a Halloween mask. That's a primitive ceremonial mask.
Primitive mask?! Then there must be primitive people around! Careful, boys.
[Dave peers from behind the bushes, and sees a man cleaning out a long wooden tube.]
What is it, Dave?
[trembling] Don't get s... Don't get scared, fellas. We're in danger, but don't... p... panic. There's a native cleaning his b-b-blow gun. The kind that... sh-sh-sh... shoots... poisoned arrows.
Poisoned arrows?!
What's the big idea?
AlvinI wanna watch the show.
You're supposed to be on stage.
AlvinI don't want to.
If you're not up on that stage by the time I count three...
Tomorrow, we hit the road boys, so let's get a good night sleep!
I could sleep better if I had a dog guarding me.
Theodore! And Alvin, take off your cap!
AlvinWhy do you always make Dave mad, Theodore?!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Alvin Show pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
The Alvin Show · 40 quotes
