Taxi · Season 1
'Scuse me. My name's Elaine Nardo. They told me to ask for Louie.
Yes, ma'am, I'm Louis De Palma. I hope there's no trouble. If there is, I'll be glad to help in any way I can.
No, no, it's just that they told me I'd be starting work today as a driver. Oh, here's my hack license.
You're a cab driver?
Uh-huh.
Whaddaya mean bustin' my chops here makin' believe you're a regular person?
[on first meeting Alex] I'm only going to be working here part-time. I'm not really a taxi driver.
Oh yeah, I know. We're all part-time here. You see that guy over there? Now, he's an actor. The guy on the phone, he's a prize fighter. This lady over here, she's a beautician. The man behind her, he's a writer. Me? I'm a cab driver. I'm the only cab driver in this place.
Hey, hey, ya wanna great tip? Here it is: Never pick up a cripple.
Louie! That is the rottenest thing I ever heard. Y'know, I'm not even gonna bother to tell you why, but first of all, you don't call them "cripples," you call them "handicapped persons."
You're right. I'm embarrassed. Okay, John, forget what I said. The people you should never pick up are handicapped persons. The reason is in the time it takes you to help one of them in and out of your cab, you could pick up maybe ten guys who could get in and out all by themselves. So, no handicapped persons. Cabs are only for people who can walk.
You have to forgive Louie, he's himself today.
Maybe I won't be the first guy to make it out of the garage, but I'm gonna make it. I'm gonna get a rematch with this guy, and I'm gonna be right back here fightin'!
And I'm gonna be right back here managing you.
And I'm gonna be right here rootin' for ya.
And I'm gonna be here.
And I'm gonna be here.
And I'm gonna be here... makin' a fortune.
Angela? From your answering service? Oh, she's a peach. One night she and I discussed my boxing career. Y'know, we never even met, and still we must have talked for around five minutes.
That's longer than most of your fights last.
I mean, I can't believe you. You wouldn't go out with a woman if she wasn't good looking?
Sure I would... if I was real drunk or somethin'.
Hey, c'mon, Elaine. Looks matter to women, too. How popular are short, pudgy, ugly men?
Yeah, how popular, Louie?
Y'know, Bobby, I hope someone slams a door on your nose and you sneeze and your head explodes.
Do you remember what you said to your wife to break up with her?
Yeah, I remember what I said. I said, "Why is that man wearing my pajamas?"
I hope you don't mind me saying this, but your mother is a very attractive woman. She's got some nice bagonzas.
What are bagonzas?
How old are you?
Twelve.
Bagonzas are feet!
[remembering cab 804] That cab was like a good luck charm to me. I was in that cab when I got held up.
That was luck?
I lived!
[after seeing the damage to Cab 804] I quit!!
[to Bobby after finding out he made a bet over whether or not he would change his ways and hanging him on a hook] You scum! You lowlife! You creep! I'm gonna make you regret the day you were born! I'm gonna make sure that every night, you get the dirtiest, smelliest cab in the garage, and if there isn't one that's dirty and smelly, then I'm gonna get in and smelly and dirty it up myself! In the wintertime, your cab will have no heater! In the summertime, your windows won't roll down! I'm gonna make you the second most miserable cab driver in all of New York City! [Walks towards his office, but briefly stops] The MOST miserable cab driver in all of New York City is whoever lets him down or feeds him!
[addressing all the cabbies at the Sunshine Cab Co] We're going to make a movie about cab drivers, and the reason we're here is, we want reality. Not Hollywood reality. We want real, reality. So we want to live with you guys. We want to eat with you and talk with you, and get inside your heads. Why don't you forget we're from Hollywood, and forget we're even making a movie. We're just some people who would like to find out what it's like to drive a cab. Now, anybody have any questions?
[Tony raises his arm enthusiastically]
Okay, you.
How'd they part the Red Sea in the Ten Commandments?
Listen, there's something I'd like to ask you.
Shoot.
Well, we've heard that certain dispatchers will take advantage of their positions by taking bribes, you know shaking down drivers, that sort of thing. Is there any truth in that?
What's it worth to you to find out?
I think you just answered my question, thank you.
We're splittin' up. Good bye!
Why?
You really wanna drag this out, don't ya?
I just wanna know why.
Why? [he thinks] There's someone else.
Oh. I see. Who?
Who? [he thinks] Donna Summer. We had a little spat before I met you. I couldn't take the pressure, the racial thing! And besides she's always shaking it in front of other guys and it got to me! I told her: I don't want you moanin' on records anymore! This morning she gave me a call...
Stop it Louie! Just don't make up stories! I think I deserve better than that.
[helping Jim fill out the form for the driving test] Have you ever experienced loss of consciousness, hallucinations, dizzy spells, convulsive disorders, fainting, or periods of loss of memory?
Hasn't everyone?
Put no.
Mental illness or narcotic addiction?
That's a tough choice.
Put no!
OK, that's it! You're ready for the test.
I thought that was the test!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Taxi pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
