Crowley quotes from Supernatural

Bobby

The world's gonna end. Seems stupid to get all precious over one little soul.

Dean

You sold your soul?

Crowley

More like pawned it. I fully intend to give it back.

Dean

Well then give it back!

Crowley

I will.

Dean

Now!

Sam

Did you kiss him?

Dean

Sam!

Sam

Just wondering.

Bobby

[awkward silence] No!

Crowley

[coughs, shows photo of him and Bobby kissing on his iPhone]

Bobby

Why'd you take a picture?!?

Crowley

Why'd you have to use tongue?

Sam

So Pestilence was spreading swine flu.

Dean

Yeah, but not just for giggles. That was step one. Step two is the vaccine. And you think...?

Crowley

I know. I'll stake my reputation that vaccine is chock full of Grade A, farm-fresh, Croatoan virus.

Sam

Simultaneous countrywide distribution. That's quite a plan.

Crowley

You don't get to be Horsemen for nothing. So you boys better stock up on... well, everything. This time next Thursday, we'll all be living in Zombieland.

Crowley

I thought when I got the corner office, it was all going to be rainbows and two-headed puppies. But if I'm being honest, it's been hell.

Bobby

I thought that was the point.

Crowley

You know what the problem with demons is?

Bobby

They're demons?

Crowley

Exactly. Evil, lying prats, the whole lot of them. They're stupid. You try to show them a new way, a better way, and what do you get? Bugger all! You know, there's days that I think Lucifer's whole "spike anything with black eyes" plan wasn't half bad. Hpph. Feels good to get it off my chest. We should make this a thing.

Bobby

Do I look like Dr. Phil to you?

Crowley

A little.

Dean

Since when do you give a crap about vampires?

Crowley

Since, uh... what's today, Friday? Since, let's see... mind your business.

Castiel

If you touch the Winchesters...

Crowley

Please. I heard you the first time. I promise -- nary a hair on their artfully tousled heads. Besides, I think they've proven my point for me. It's always your friends, isn't it, in the end? We try to change. We try to improve ourselves. It's always our friends who got to claw into our sides and-and hold us back. But you know what I see here? The new God [pointing at Castiel] and the new Devil, working together.

Castiel

Enough! You stop talking and get out of my sight.

Crowley

Well... Glad I came. You're welcome, by the way. You know the difference between you and me? I know what I am. What are you, Castiel? What exactly are you willing to do?

Castiel

I'm renegotiating our terms.

Crowley

Is that so? What terms do you propose?

Castiel

You get nothing. Not one single soul.

Crowley

Kind of noticed, it seems a bit unfairly weighted.

Sam

What new boss?

Crowley

Castiel, you giraffe.

Bobby

Is your boss?

Crowley

He's everybody's boss! What do you think he's going to do when he finds out we've been conspiring? You do... want to conspire, don't you?

Bobby

No, we want you to just stand there and look pretty.

Crowley

I have one rule: make a deal, keep it.

Well technically, I didn't...

Crowley

There's a reason we don't call our chips in early: consumer confidence. This isn't Wall Street, this is Hell! We have a little something called integrity. If this gets out, who'll deal with us? Nobody! Then, where are we?

I don't know.

Crowley

That's right, you don't, because you're a stupid, short-sighted little prat. Now, hand the jackass over, I'll cancel every deal he's made.

Dean

What are you going to do with him?

Crowley

Make an example of him.

Crowley

So, if you're suddenly calling, I guess you're up to speed on the Winchesters, which means you intercepted the Prophet. And the Prophet told you that my blood is the key to everything. You know what I like about you?

Dick Roman

Lack of pretension?

Crowley

You're smarter than you look.

Dick Roman

Oh, well, now you're just flirting.

Crowley

Castiel. When last we spoke, you – well, enslaved me. I'm confused. Why aren't you dead?

Castiel

I... don't know.

Crowley

Well, do you want> to be? 'Cause I can help with that.

Sam

Where's Dean?

Crowley

That bone... has a bit of a kick. God weapons often do. They should put a warning on the box.

Sam

Where are they, Crowley?!

Crowley

Can't help you, Sam.

Crowley

Dean. Looking... well, let's just say Purgatory didn't do you any favors. Where's your angel?

Dean

Ask your mother.

Crowley

There's that grade-school zip. Missed it. I really did.

Crowley

Chin up, gentlemen. I'm a professional.

Dean

This ain't over by a long shot, Crowley.

Crowley

Really, Dean? Who writes your stuff? A marshmallow?

[slaps Crowley] Stay away from my son!

Crowley

Charming. Defiling her corpse has just made number one on my to-do list.

Dean

Plan C tanked.

Crowley

Maybe you should try Plan "D" for "dumbass".