Jack quotes from Still Game

Jack

He must have died, then they cut his phone aff...cause he didnae pay his bill...cause he cudnae...cause he was deid.

Jack

[Making phrases to win a scone competition] Where's my scone? Where's my scone? Ah there it is, next to the phone!

Jack

Do you mind what this place used tae be like when they built it at first? "Craiglang: developing for the future".

Victor

Aye, aye. "Craiglang: modernity beckons".

Jack

"Craiglang: tomorrow's already here."

Victor

Craiglang....

Shitehole!

Winston

Hello, lads.

Jack

Hi, Winston.

Winston

And hello, ladies. I'm Winston.

Hello, Winston.

Jack

Are you still barred?

Winston

Aye. Here, which one of you two unlucky bastards is saddled with the munchkin?

Victor

Right, that's it!

Jack

Where are you going?

Victor

Home! I'm no' sitting in my local with that thing, Jack!

Jack

Oh, that's just perfect! You're going AWOL and leaving me with these two women?

Victor

I only saw one woman, Jack! I don't know what that other one is!

Winston

A munchkin, sure.

Jack

Shut up!

Victor

A scone and tea at half past three, makes the day a little brighter. So you can keep your cakes and fancy tarts....

...and stick them up your shiter.

Jack

Good morning, Doctor

Victor

(Speaks to pretend intercom) Hold all calls, Linda.

Jack

Linda?

Victor

I had to let Agnes go, she was an arsehole.

Jack

That's a bloody liberty that, I liked that woman, she was almost ready for retirement.

Victor

Too bad, I call the shots, and she's sacked. Now what is wrong with you?

Jack

I'm depressed...

Victor

And how is this depression manifesting itself?

Jack

I cannot be arsed with anything or anybody.

Victor

Well, it sounds like you're depressed, but I am afraid I cannae help ye.

Jack

How?

Victor

'Cause I just gied the last o' ma tablets to a lovely big fella called Victor McDade!

Jack

You're a creepy bastard!

Victor

How?

Jack

Talking to Betty like that, as if she were still alive. "Oh, I might be getting back on the road again!"

Victor

What's wrong with that? You're the creepy bastard!

Jack

And how would that be?

Victor

Standing there in silence, all remorseful. "Oh, look at me mourning!"

Jack

Better than talking to the bloody deid, in't it? It's no' just that. You leave a wee gap, as if she's gonnae answer, as if she's still here.

Victor

She is still here, in my heart!

Jack

Birthday caird pish!

Victor

[Talks to his wife's grave] Ignore him, my sweet. We'll soon be together.

Jack

[Mutters] Jesus!

Victor

What's that? Well put, yes. He is an arsehole!

Jack

Shut up!

Victor

What's the matter with you? This is how it's gonnae be, Jack. Me and my beloved, lying out together!

Jack

Aye! Two old skeletons, holding their bony hands together with just your wee wedding rings hanging off your scraggy knuckles!

Victor

Comes to us all! In fact, have a wee lie down, enjoy the view!

Jack

What view? You'll be deid! You'll see hee-haw! Your eye sockets'll be full of beasties!

Victor

[Laughs heartily] Ach, I'm only winding you up!

Jack

Aye, well...

Victor

Come on. [Addresses Betty's grave] Cheery-bye, Betty, my darling!

Jack

Call me an arsehole, Betty!

Freezin', eh, Ma?

Oh, aye, Martin.

I cannae wait to get up the road, eh, Ma?

Neither can I, Martin.

Aye, with some soup when we get in, and then we can have a cup of tea with some snowballs, eh, Ma?

I didnae get any snowballs, Martin.

Nae snowballs?!

Naw.

You stupid... auld... cow!

Relax, Martin, you've got an empire biscuit.

I'm no' wantin' an empire biscuit, I'm wantin' a snowball!

Victor

TAXI!

Jack

Maybe if you have a jobby, Martin, your ma can wipe your arse for ye, Martin!

Boabby

Hey! Look! It's Lambert and Butler!

Jack

Shut it, Boabby. You're the only fag in here.

Jack

Who'd you think you are, 007?!

Victor

Aye, licence to get pished!

Jack

[hums the James Bond theme] The name's Bastard, Alkie Bastard!

Victor

Vodka martini, shaken not stirred. Seven of them and a kebab!

By the way, your mission, should you choose to accept it, sniff my manky ring!

Jack

I think I'll pass on that mission.

Victor

Jack and me are going back to school.

Boabby

Its Jack and I.

Jack

No, its me and Victor.

Boabby

I'm no' gonnae tell yous again. Keep it doon.

Winston

What's the matter with you?!

Boabby

You're annoying my customers.

Jack

Ah, shut up. We're your bloody customers and all!

Boabby

You're no' customers. Customers buy drink. Yous have been sitting there nursing them since yous came in here.

Victor

Cannae play cards steamin', Boaby, must remain focused.

Boabby

Oh, I'll focus you. Right oot the door.

Jack

Ah, now, Boaby, that's garbage patter. "Focus you oot the door"? You cannae just take a word, right, and slip it into a sentence and pass it off as excellent patter. You see, you've gotta be clever with it. For instance...

Victor

I don't know, something like "I'll focus my boot on your arse!"

Jack

See, that's good.

Winston

Aye. [gives Boaby the middle finger] "Focus on that, you old duffer!"

Jack

That is cruder but still as effective.

"Away and take a flyin' focus to yourself."

Nah.

Victor

Doesnae work, that, Eric.

Boabby

Look, I could lose my licence. You shouldnae be playing cairds in here.

Winston

Cards, Boaby, we're playing cards, no' 'cairds'. Cairds is what you play cards wi'.

Boabby

Just... keep it doon.

Ho-ho, it's the two Ronnies.

Victor

Oh the two Ronnies now? Well then, it's shut-up-ya-prick fae me...

Jack

...and shut-up-ya-prick fae him!

Boabby

[as Jack, Victor and Winston enter] Oh look who it is, Huey, Dewey and Louie.

Jack

Who?

Boabby

The Disney characters.

Jack

Oh right, aye. Well get us three pints, you goofy bastard!