Oh! I see... You come up here to brood too!
Yes, Steven. That's just what people like us do. Suffer quietly, shouldering the knowledge no one else can bear.
As an aficionado of the weird yourself, you've probably noticed ordinary people fear the cold leaded anchor of the truth. The abyss is no Sunday swan ride.
I know! My dad flipped out when I told him!
Sounds typical. But it's a good reminder. This is no easy path we've chosen here. There are... sacrifices. Look at them all down there, Steven. It's our duty to let those simple people live out their simple lives, without ever knowing the burden of being friends with us.
At least we can be there for each other.
Is that giant hand from the sky sitting right in the middle of the beach?! I gotta get some of this for my blog!
No whining. We need to start cleaning up the debris.
Garnet's right. People are already coming back into town!
We've got to keep them off the beach. If any humans got access to Gem technology, [shuts blinds] they could really hurt themselves. Maybe we should shut them out... for good.
You know... we did once have a fence. Let's get a new one—with barbed wire!
This time, let's build a moat. I could be... [shapeshifts her head] the crocodi-i-ile!! Jazz hands!
You always say you'll be the crocodile, but you never commit!
Steven needs to see his father and his friends.
No, I don't! I can't keep clinging to the vestiges of my humanity. It's time I got serious. [his phone starts ring-toning again] Errh!
Steven, why is your communication device playing that song?
It's Connie, trying to call me... but I can't face her anymore.
So... you're just going to ignore her forever?
It's the responsible thing to do.
[sees thru blinds] It's gonna be hard, 'cause she's coming up the steps right now.
BSBuck, Sour Cream, and Jenny
Mmhm.
A few months back, my dad and the Gems grounded me from TV.
BSBuck, Sour Cream, and Jenny
That's the worst. / Bummer. / No way!
And then I found out that the Gems are alien rebels and that there are other Gems out in space that want us dead 'cause they think we're traitors. And they tried to take me hostage 'cause they think I'm my mom. And... maybe I kinda am? [sighs] I wish I could talk to Garnet, Amethyst and Pearl about it, but... I think they kinda blame me for my mom not being around.
[Buck, Sour Cream and Jenny are in a state of shock for a beat. Jenny turns off the radio]
Oh, my gosh, Uncle Grandpa! You're really here, I can't believe it! I mean… I literally can't believe it. How is this even possible?!
Don't worry, bro. None of this is canon. [pulls a real cannon out of Belly Bag] But this is! [launches his head like a cannonball with smoke trails spelling "APRIL FOOLS" and crashes into a ship with Lars and Sadie on it]
What's going on?! Who is this stranger?
He's not a stranger, he's Uncle Grandpa!
[Uncle Grandpa honks his nose]
So that would make him Greg's brother… and father?
That would explain a lot.
BBBelly Bag
That's right! He's not just your Uncle Grandpa, Steven. He's everyone in the world's Uncle Grandpa! And when he comes to town, you're sure to have a fun time.
[All their heads circle around the Earth in space]
[laughing] We're in space!
[huddling up with Pearl and Amethyst] Gem huddle!
Obviously, we're dealing with some sort of super powerful, reality-warping entity.
He could be a danger to the fabric of space itself.
I don't know, guys. I kinda like him.
[huddling in] Hey! What are you guys talking about?
[also huddling in] Are you forming a secret club? [a clone of himself appears] Can we join too?
PSPizza Steve
Oh, hey, it's just me, Pizza Steve—just the coolest and tastiest Steve who ever lived.
Hi, Pizza Steve! I'm a Steve too. Steven Universe.
PSPizza Steve
Ste-ven Universe... [pops out on top of Steven's hair] Come on, Uncle G. I've got two rules: no more than 40 or 50 vans and only one Steve allowed!
Yeah, but this Steven is special.
GMr. Gus
Yeah. He's a Crystal Gem.
GMr. Gus
What's up, Uncle Grandpa?
Whoa Mr. Gus! How do you know about me?
GMr. Gus
I have a comprehensive knowledge of all magical denizens of the multiverse. I know all about the Crystal Gems. Come on, man, check this out. I even made my own Gemsona. [shows art of "Mr. Gusite"] My gem is on my tail and my weapon is a frying pan.
[The Gems run frantically across the plot hole many times, stop for a breather]
There's got to be some way out of here.
[extremely panicked] WE'LL NEVER ESCAPE!! THIS IS OUR NEW HOME!
Pearl you're overreacting.
I'M NOT OVERREACTING! [runs around screaming crazily until she crashes into Amethyst]
Hey, where's Steven? [Pizza Steve walks in dressed like Steven]
PSPizza Steve
Lookin' for me, Pizza Steven Universe? [Pearl gasps, cowers behind Garnet]
Ah, nice! [eyes on Pizza Steve]
PSPizza Steve
Whoa, hold on!
Pizza!! [chases Pizza Steve offscreen]
PSPizza Steve
Don't eat Pizza Steve! [munching noises]
[Amethyst walks back on, putting on Pizza Steve's sunglasses from out of her mouth]
Okay, I'm ready for this episode to end. [stomps her foot on the ground, causing the plot hole to crack and shatter, leaving them back at the beach]
[They see Steven, Uncle Grandpa, Lion, and Giant Realistic Flying Tiger having a tea party]
[sighs] I'm sorry I couldn't help you learn to use your shield, Steven.
It's okay, Uncle Grandpa. I had a lotta fun today.
[Amethyst hisses and growls]
Hey, cut it out, guys. He's done enough already.
GGems
[diving towards Uncle Grandpa while beating him up] FINISH HIM!!!
[rushing in as a chibi] No, don't hurt him! [lets out a small fart; in slow-motion] STOP!!!!!! [his gem begins to glow and halts the Gems, in shock and surprise, with his shield] Whoa! [turns to Uncle Grandpa] I did it, Uncle Grandpa! I really did it!
Protecting him activated Steven's powers?!
He must really care about this stranger.
I hope he didn't care about that pizza.
Listen! It was a big, weird surprise when Uncle Grandpa showed up here today. We've never met anyone like Uncle Grandpa, but you can't just attack people you don't understand. You have to stick up for them, and listen to what they have to say. You guys always do that for me.
[blushing with tears in her eyes, feeling guilty and sorry] Steven, you're right. [cries emotionally] HOW CAN I BE SO BLIND?! I'M SORRY!
I also apologize for Pearl.
Thank you, you taught us a valuable lesson, Uncle Grandpa.
Boy, that sure makes my eyes hurt. Now let's see here... [Grab a checklist revealing several other Cartoon Network protagonists] Dexter, Dee-dee, Blossom, Bubbles, Buttercup, Ed, Edd, Eddy, Billy, Mandy, Mac, Juniper Lee, Swat Kats, Flapjack, Finn, Oh! Steven! [checks off Steven's name] Now who's next? [Clarence's name is shown at the bottom of the list]
[Steven rushes to the Beach House]
It's an emergency! You have to help me take down all the shirts and stop Buck from making more!
Have the shirts come to life and and possessed the bodies of their wearers?!
Are people catching on fire when they put on the magic shirts?
Are the shirts destroying the wearer's will to continue on in this mortal coil, thereby shutting down Beach City!?!
NOOOOO!!! They're— they're just... using my art in a way I don't agree with.
What?! But— but I really need your help!
Steven, this sounds like a very abstract problem.
It's not something we can punch!
You must learn to help yourself. That's how you become stronger. [shades sparkle]
APAmethyst/Pearl
Good point, good point. / Oh, absolutely.
You figure something out, Steven!
Yes! Why not dust off those conflict resolution skills?
Let your problem be known, then you can work towards an understanding.
Oh... I'll make them understand. I'll make them all understand... [leaves]
[Steven and Connie meet Jamie sitting on a log in the beach]
Oh, hey, Connie and Steven. You guys come out here to stare at the ocean and think about life too?
Uhh, no...? We came to, uh—
Yeah, life is crazy. One day, you're right here in Beach City delivering mail and then the next thing you know... you're on a bus to Kansas, following your dreams of becoming an actor. "Follow your dreams," they said. But no one said anything about all the rejection and sadness there was to be found. So many auditions day after day... So much rejection day after day... That's why I came back. [two seagulls crash into each other and fall into the sea] One more rejection would have destroyed my fragile heart. [sobs, chuckles] Sorry... sometimes I get caught up in the drama zone, you know?
Yeah, right... Drama zone.
Oh, by the way, we have something for yo—
I didn't mean to upset you.
Then will you go out with me?
But I've loved you since the moment I saw you.
Love at first sight doesn't exist. Love takes time and love takes work. At the very least, you have to know the other person. And you literally have no idea who or what I am. [shades glimmer]
But I bloom for you like— like a... camellia... under moonlight?
No, you don't! [long beat] You make a very convincing lovesick fool. You convinced these children. [adjusts her shades] You even convinced yourself. [smiling] You're a fantastic actor.
[beat] ..What am I supposed to do now?
Start with local theater. [slaps Jamie's back, then walks away. Connie and Steven walk closer to him]
Yeah. That was some pretty solid advice.
Were those more letters you wrote to Garnet?
No. That was the mail I was supposed to deliver on my last route.
[beat] We'll help you pick it all up.
