Peridot[talking into the tape recorder] And then I'll say, "Hey, as one refugee to another, it isn't so bad that we can't go back to Homeworld, am I right? Why don't we watch the sun come up and figure out what we're going to do with all this time, eh, Lazuli?" And then she'll say, "Yes, Peridot. As impressed I was by you on the ship, I am even more impressed with your new compact look and capacity for friendship! I'm so glad we're going to live together." Peridot, Facet 5. [ends her log] Let's begin.
[amused] This isn't gonna work.
Peridot
Wait, what?
I really thought I would be living alone here.
Yeah, but this is even better! Oh here, how about this? I saw this on an episode of a TV show! I didn't see how it ended, but I'm sure it worked out right. We'll divide this place in half, you'll both have your own space. [takes out a marker and divides the barn into two non-equal parts] High ceilings, real wood floors, convenient location on the heart of the country. So what do you think, roomies?
Peridot
[satisfied] I like the cut of your gem, Steven Quartz.
Peridot
What's the problem? You're the one getting all the good stuff! You've got the propeller and paint cans on your side! You can do tons with those! Oooh, actually, I kinda want the paint cans - you wanna trade something?
I don't care about paint cans. That's not the problem.
Peridot
Bah...
Peridot
Egh?!
She's the problem. I can't stand the thought of looking at her everyday. She's the one who dragged me back to Earth.
Peridot
Hey, it wasn't my idea. I was headed to Earth and I needed an informant. It should have been a simple mission. Things didn't exactly work out for either of us.
You used me like everyone else did!
Peridot
But it's not like that anymore. It's different now - I'M different!
It's true, Lapis. Peridot has really come into her own since she's been living on Earth.
Peridot
I sabotaged my own mission! I helped save the Earth, I even yelled at Yellow Diamond! She's probably sending a whole fleet to find me and shatter me right now! I'm kind of a big deal; a big Anti-Homeworld deal!
Steven, I don't think this is gonna work.
Ahhhh, ummmm, maybe we could put up a curtain? [Lapis gives him a patient smile, but walks out of the barn and flies to the top of the Silo; to Peridot] Sorry. Thought this was gonna be okay. I forgot the last time you saw each other… wasn't so okay.
Peridot
That was in the past. It's not like that now! UGHHHH!
Peridot
But obviously she doesn't! She's the one who needs to know! I want her to understand!
Aw Peridot, that's sweet! That's the you you need to show her!
Peridot
[confused] Show her my sweet?
Peridot
[on a rubber ring in a miniature lake] H-2-oh my gosh. It's a smaller than an average lake!
It's from the hole we drilled. Peridot and I sealed it and filled it with water. [Lapis pauses for a beat]
Peridot
It's a gift for you. You know, 'cause like water's your thing? [snickers] Pretty good right? The barn's out here in the country, but now you can get your moisture fix whenever. Do all that water stuff you do.
Peridot
Yeah!
You do realize that I spent the last few months trapped under the ocean, right?
Peridot
Sure! But, I thought—
It was an endless, crushing darkness. Wet and bleak and suffocating. Water was the tomb I lived in for those months.
Peridot
[queasy and terrified] Tomb, you say?
Yeah. I'm kinda taking a break from water right now. [beat] But thanks…for the lake.
Peridot
Urrgh…
Don't worry, Steven. It's not your fault.
Peridot
A pool! What a cloddy idea. Of course she wouldn't like that. There's nothing! Nothing! Nothing!
There has to be something. Something, something. Maybe, instead of something she likes, give her something you like. A piece of you!
Peridot
Um…okay. How about my Camp Pining Hearts DVD?
Peridot
Five?
Peridot
I know! Ugh! [falls onto the ground with her back; speaks into the tape recorder] Log Date- whatever. Facet- whatever! WHATEVER! Clearly there's nothing important enough for me to give to Lazuli. At least I have you, tape recorder. [gets an idea; later wraps up the tape recorder with a blue ribbon and presents it to Lapis] Ta-da! [scoots a little closer to Lapis] See, the ribbon is even blue. I got your number. [looks at Steven, who shrugs] Uh, here. I'll unwrap it for you. When I was stuck here, Steven gave me this tape recorder as a gift, and I didn't really get at first, but it made me feel better. [rips away the wrapping] Just to talk about all the weird stuff that was happening. It'll help you too. [gives the recorder to Lapis] You, uh, press the button to record, and then you talk into it.
[presses the recording button and speaks into the tape recorder] I don't want your garbage. [raises the tape recorder up, crushes it, and drops it onto the ground]
Peridot
GUH! What, were you trapped in a tape recorder, too?! [Lapis glares enraged at her; frustrated] Look, I get it, you know? You're confused. You can never go back to Homeworld. This place doesn't exactly feel like home yet. You're alone! No one could possibly know what that feels like! Oh, wait, I do! We're the same! Except… [calms down] you don't have to be alone. So, tell me, then, what you want from me. And whatever that is… [sighs] I'll do it.
[scowling] I want you… TO LEAVE!
Peridot
[visibly hurt] Okay. [starts walking away]
Lapis, why are you being so mean to her? She's really trying.
Why do you trust her, Steven?
Because I know her! Lapis, you're not even giving her a chance. You should have at least gotten to know her before you decided you don't like her. Now it's too late. And she's never coming back again. [He and Lapis see Peridot running towards them while screaming] Oh, she's coming back again.
Peridot
THEY'RE HERE!
[Five Homeworld Rubies have arrived on Earth as Steven and the Gems hide in the barn]
Peridot
[scared] I knew it! They're after me! This is the end of the line!
You really weren't kidding.
Peridot
I disobeyed a direct order from Yellow Diamond, and I called her a clod…to her face.
Oh, honestly, you call everyone a clod.
Peridot
Yes. But not everyone has command over all the armies of Homeworld waiting for the word to shatter me! [fearfully hides under a box]
Peridot! We won't let them get you. [lifts the box, revealing Peridot curled up]
Peridot
Haven't I caused you enough trouble?
Don't worry, Peridot. It's our sworn duty to protect anything that calls this planet home, and that includes clods like you.
Peridot
[quietly] That's my word.
Listen up, everyone. I have a plan. Or should I say… [holds up her hands] We have a plan? [giggles as she unfuses, separating into Ruby and Sapphire]
PAPearl & Amethyst
Ruby! Sapphire!
[runs over and hugs them both] Hugs!
[After a baseball bat is accidentally destroyed, Steven goes to get a replacement from the barn]
Peridot
[hiding in the barn] Hey, how's it going? Are we winning?
[nervously] Ummm, heh-heh...
[standing behind Sapphire, guiding her with a bat] Now, what you wanna do is lean with your hips. [Sapphire swings the bat] Yeah, that's pretty good. Let me show you again.
["Eyeball" Ruby watches them, then glares at Steven]
[sweating] Well, heh... We're doing just fine. [heading back to the field] Everything's going to be A-okay...
Peridot
YOU'RE LYING TO ME!
Peridot
THANK YOU!
[After Ruby and Sapphire accidentally refuse into Garnet after the baseball game]
[laughs joyously for a moment] ... Whoops.
R"Army" Ruby
[also angrily] WE'VE BEEN TRICKED!
R"Navy" Ruby
[in quiet awe] What a turn of events...
R"Leggy" Ruby
[confused] Huh? W-what?
[to the other Crystal Gems] Sorry, guys. The game is over.
That's it! Rubies... COMBINE!
[The five Rubies fuse into a giant Ruby and roar]
Peridot
WAAAAAAIIIIIIIT!! WAIT! STOP! DON'T HURT THEM! [rushes out of the barn, trips twice, and runs the rest of the way on all fours, panting] Wait, oh please, please! It's me you're after, right? I'm not gonna stand by and let my friends fight my battles!
GRGiant Ruby
[squats down] Are you the Peridot assigned to the failed Earth mission?
Peridot
[nervously] Not sure if "failed" would be the right word to--
GRGiant Ruby
Where is Jasper?
Peridot
You're looking for... Jasper?
Peridot
Wait - but I'm the one who betrayed the mission! Who called Yellow Diamond a clod! The new leader of the Crystal Gems?!
GRGiant Ruby
Tell us where Jasper, NOW!
Peridot
Jasper... umm... we know where Jasper is! [Pearl nervously shakes her head]
Peridot
Uhhhhh....
[pointing to the sky] Neptune! She's on the planet Neptune!
GRGiant Ruby
[stares at them suspiciously for a moment, then smiles and shrugs] Well, why didn't you say so?
[Steven sighs in relief, and the Rubies unfuse]
We all here? One, two, three, four, aaaaand... HA! Five. [points to herself] To the planet Neptune!
R"Army" Ruby
Let's move out, soldiers!
R"Navy" Ruby
[dreamily] What a lovely sounding planet...
R"Leggy" Ruby
But we just... got here.
[dragging "Leggy" along] Let's go, newbie!
R"Eyeball" Ruby
[glares at the Gems for a moment, then speaks in a strained voice] Thank you...
[The Rubies re-enter their space pod and zip into space at hyperspeed]
[Star iris closes in on Garnet's face as she smiles] Not all of them.
[Steven, Amethyst and Peridot are too short to ride the Appalachian ride; Peridot's hair makes her look taller, but Harold Smiley pushes it down, making her throw a tantrum and wave her fists]
HHarold
[laughs] Sorry, guys. Looks like this squad has some growing to do before you can ride.
Peridot
I do not have to grow! This height is indicative of my rarity and importance! I demand entry, you CLOD!
HHarold
[clears throat] You kids want another lifetime ban?
[nervously pulls Peridot away] No thanks, Mr. Smiley!
[Peridot and Lapis Lazuli are watching "Camp Pining Hearts" on the truck sticking out over the barn's entrance]
PPercy
[on TV] But Paulette, I need you!
Peridot
Oh, get over it, Percy. Go make another friendship bracelet.
[Inside the barn]
You did all this stuff on purpose? Like, you didn't just knock over a bunch of paint cans and go, "Eh, just leave it"?
Peridot
Oh, no. This was all very intentional. You see, I had this idea: What if we made music, but instead of sounds, we use things!
Peridot
Art? That sounds ridiculous!
I've been calling it "meepmorp".
Peridot
Let us show you our... morps. [chuckles]
[She shows them something made from her broken recorder, some cassettes and a blue ribbon]
Peridot
This piece is called "Wow, thanks". It represents the struggles of intercommunication. The tape is the ribbon that binds our experience on Earth together. It has no functional purpose! It just makes me feel bad! [smiles proudly]
[Lapis shows them a baseball bat, mitt and ball hanging from a stick by string]
Here's my meepmorp. This is a baseball bat. It reminds me of when I played baseball. [walks backwards to a leaf sitting on a rock] This is a leaf that Steven gave me. It reminds me of the time Steven... gave me a leaf.
Hey, yeah, it reminds me of that too! [Peridot grins; Amethyst looks nauseated]
[Next is a TV with two mirrors attached, playing Percy in Camp Pining Hearts saying "I just feel trapped" over and over]
[worried] Is this one about... the thousands of years you spent trapped in the mirror?
No. I just really like that show.
Peridot
Wow, Amethyst doesn't seem to understand morps at all.
No, it's something else. Amethyst found out…she's supposed to be just like Jasper.
Peridot
Meh?
Jasper took her down in a fight, and now she's obsessed with getting a rematch, to prove she's good enough.
Peridot
Hmm. Amethyst, Ams, Big A. You are way better than Jasper!
What? Oh. [to Steven] What did you tell her?
Peridot
What are you even doing comparing yourself to her? Oh, Amethyst, that's ridiculous. I should call you "Ridiculousthyst." [laughs] I mean, seriously, Amethyst and Jasper are two completely different Quartzes. Sure, you're both from Earth, but your Kindergartners are radically different.
What? Hold-- Hold on. What?!
Peridot
Well, sure. Amethyst, you're from the Prime Kindergarten in Facet 5. She's from the Beta Kindergarten in Facet 9. Have you seen that place?
Peridot
Oh. Well, maybe you should, so you could see how the other half was made… Poorly! [laughs] No, seriously. Let's go. You'll get a kick out of this.
Peridot
Here we are, Jasper's origin: the Beta Kindergarten.
Am I underwhelmed? It's pretty bright out here.
Peridot
No kidding. Red sandstone! Ha! This is what I'm talking about. We're lucky this place hasn't blown away. Beta, am I right?
[laughs] That's a math joke, right?
Peridot
Come on. It gets worse. I mean, this place has got the right growing conditions in a pinch, I guess, but it's too small! It was obviously a total rush job.
Peridot
Halfway through the rebellion, Homeworld scrambled to generate extra soldiers on the ground. Look at this-- the holes don't even line up! [scoffs] It's like they just threw injectors down wherever. Oh, and that one? This Carnelian came out sideways. How could she not? The walls are curved! [laughs] What a joke.
Peridot
What you want to see is a vertical alignment; no angle in the exit; a clean, strong silhouette. None of these holes come close!
[They look up at Jasper's big exit hole]
Peridot
Jasper.
Peridot
Oh, come on. We already know she's tall. Let's take a closer look. A Kindergartener can tell a lot about a Gem's makeup and flaws by their exit marks.
Steven Universe · 493 quotes
