MMrs. Moon
Bet you like playing monster in the dark.
Looking forward to it.
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
[irritatingly] Yes? Can I help you with something?
MMartin
This is a quiet cul-de-sac and you are disgraceful young women.
Yeah? So go fuck yourself, tosser.
[Cook and JJ are on the roof of Pandora's house. Cook seems to be keen on engaging in voyeuristic tendencies and is pressuring JJ into helping him.]
JJJ
Cook! This is a fantasy and I have to tell you, a poorly constructed one. Just because I have a natural facility on a climbing wall--
CCook
Get in there! Come on, we need to see them doing it.
JJJ
[protestingly] For the last time, they are not going to be doing it. They will not be naked and they will not be engaged in mutual masturbation.
[The girls are changing into their pyjamas. Cook is peeping through the window.]
Come on Eff, pyjamas.
[reluctantly] Whatever.
[Effy walks over to the window to change. Cook is looking through the window. Effy spots Cook and allows him to look at her naked.]
[JJ is about to lose his grip and Cook is too focused on Effy to even care about JJ.]
JJJ
[anxiously] I can't hang on. I'm going to slip. [scared] COOK! COOK! COOK! COOK!
[JJ and Cook fall all the way down.]
[Cook and Effy are making love to one another in the closet. They end up falling into another room.]
[groaning] What the fuck?
[Cook and Effy get up and explore the room they've fallen into.]
CCook
What's going on? Are we... Are we next door?
We're next door.
[Effy and Cook happen to stumble across a sex tape featuring Pandora's mom and her neighbour, Martin.]
MMartin
Hello. I'm Martin. [sits down on the bed] This is Angela.
[Angela, Pandora's mom, sits down on the bed.]
AAngela
Hi.
MMartin
[takes off his glasses] And this is how we have sex.
[Martin puts his glasses on one side, Angela tosses her shoes to one side, and the two begin to engage in intercourse.]
MMartin
Oh. That's lovely, Angela.
AAngela
Thank you, Martin.
MMartin
Can you rub any harder?
AAngela
Certainly.
[Cook is beyond amused, whereas Effy is shocked and speechless.]
So what do you want Ems? Pinot Grigio or... cider oblivion?
Anything, just give me a fucking... just give me a...
[They kiss]
Oh. It's only the drugs, right?
[They kiss again]
You liked that. [Naomi nods]
You're gay.
Yes.
[JJ has witnessed the entire scene]
JJJ
Oh my giddy, giddy, giddy... aunt.
Any good?
I dunno what you mean.
I mean he's a sensational fuck, yeah.
There's a whamma lot of things you don't know about me, Eff. Just because I'm useless don't mean that I'm nothing.
We're friends because you don't surf and turf my men. You said that.
He's not yours, Eff. He never belonged to anyone.
Shut up.
That's why you don't really want him.
Shut up!
He's not the one you want, Eff! See, I know that because I'm your friend but you don't make enough effort, Eff! I'm just there to laugh at. You don't know me. My life, my family, my mum. Why don't you know anything about my mum? I know everything about yours.
...You're right. I don't know anything about your mum.
Sorry, okay.
Yeah. [pause] Oh Jesus.
What?
Be careful what you wish for, Pandora.
Why?
Panda! Panda! [Pandora turns around] Panda! Panda, look I'm here. Panda, it's me. Are you not glad to see me? Mother said I could come back. What's wrong?
Don't be a twat, Thomas, give your girlfriend a hug.
[Thomas does so as Effy walks away]
[crying] I missed you, I missed you too much.
I wanted to see what was in your shed.
My...?
Shed. Everyone says you have a marvellous shed.
Everyone?
Yeah, it's marvelled at.
[They enter the shed]
So this is it.
So what do you and the boys do in here? Braid each others hair and play soggy biscuit?
No. [beat] Not for ages.
CCook
You coming, Eff? You soon will be.
I'd sooner fuck JJ.
JJJ
I know that isn't intended as a compliment, but...I'm going to take it as one anyway.
CCook
You didn't get it. I said, "Are you coming, Eff? You soon will be."
I got it. Freddie and JJ got it. That termite over there got it. But you're not going to get it. Got it?
CCook
Now I'm confused.
I'm not going anywhere near your Crayola dick. I know where it's been.
[Karen is sulking after losing her competition. Cook has arrived, celebrating her loss]
CCook
Bad luck, Karen. In the competition, like. But you know, what goes around, comes around. How much did you lose by again? 15 votes? Well, that's funny. 'Cos... That's about how many people were in Keith's pub tonight.
[catching his drift] You voted against her?
CCook
[smugly] Not just me. Everyone in there. JJ even.
JJJ
Cook, don't...
[indignant] You fucking did what!?
CCook
You took my shed, I took your competition. Fair's fair.
You little shit, you ugly little bastard!!! [attacks him]
[During a fairly uninspiring English lesson]
Hamlet's basically a teenage boy. He's got all these desires, but he doesn't have the bottle to reach out for them. So, he goes mad, and wanks off about Ophelia, and ends up so boring, somebody has to kill him!
I'm not sure that's right. There's no wanking in Hamlet.
Yeah, there is. Loads. Only they call it "soliloquising".
We'd be good together. Don't you think?
No.
Why?
Because I'll break your heart.
Maybe I'll break yours.
Nobody breaks my heart. And anyway, why would I want that?
You may as well take them, they'll only end up in cunting Oxfam!
JJim
[Shouting] Don't you dare use "cunt" and "Oxfam" in the same sentence!
CCook
Come on, Naomikins. You want it, I want it. Let's get together and feel alright.
You couldn't make me "alright" if you stapled your tongue to my clit and stood in a cement mixer.
I can just see it now, in lights, "Naomi, get to know me".
I thought it was quite catchy.
Yeah, well so's AIDS.
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