Sherlock Holmes quotes from Sherlock

Cardiff?

Sherlock

It's obvious, isn't it?

John

It's not obvious to me.

Sherlock

Dear God. What is it like in your funny little brains? It must be so boring.

Anderson

[In the doorway] She's German. "Rache," German for revenge, she could be trying to tell us—

Sherlock

[Interrupts, sarcastically] Yes, thank you for your input. [Shuts the door in Anderson's face]

John

You don't have a girlfriend, then?

Sherlock

Girlfriend? No, not really my area.

John

Oh right then. [pause] Do you have a boyfriend? Which is fine, by the way—

Sherlock

I know it's fine.

John

So you've got a boyfriend?

Sherlock

No.

John

Right, okay. You're unattached, just like me. Fine. Good.

Sherlock

[After an awkward pause] John, um... I think you should know that I consider myself married to my work and while I am flattered by your interest I'm—

John

No—

Sherlock

—really not looking for anyone—

John

No. I'm not asking— no. I was just saying. Its all fine.

Sherlock

Good. Thank you.

Sherlock

[about the murder victim] Her coat is slightly damp; she's been in heavy rain in the last few hours. No rain anywhere in London in that time. Under her coat collar is damp too; she's turned it up against the wind. She's got an umbrella in her left-hand pocket, but it's dry and unused: not just wind, strong wind, too strong to use her umbrella. We know from her suitcase that she was intending to stay overnight, so she must have come a decent distance, but she can't have traveled more than two or three hours because her coat still hasn't dried. So, where has there been heavy rain and strong wind within the radius of that travel time? Cardiff.

John

That's fantastic!

Sherlock

Do you know you do that out loud?

John

Sorry. I'll shut up.

Sherlock

No, it's... fine.

Sherlock

Did he offer you money to spy on me...?

John

Yes.

Sherlock

Did you take it?

John

...No?

Sherlock

Pity, we could've split the fee. Think it through next time.

John

You got all that because you realised the case would be pink?

Sherlock

Well, it had to be pink, obviously.

John

Why didn't I think of that?

Sherlock

Because you're an idiot. [John looks up, insulted.] No, no, no, don't be like that, practically everyone is.

Anderson

We found the case! According to someone, "the murderer has the case". And we found it in the hands of our favourite psychopath!

Sherlock

[with contempt] I'm not a psychopath, Anderson, I'm a high-functioning sociopath. Do your research.

Sherlock

You can't just break into my flat!

And you can't withhold evidence! And I didn't break in to your flat.

Sherlock

Well what do you call this then?

It's a drugs bust!

John

Seriously. This guy, a junkie? Have you met him?

Sherlock

John.

John

I'm pretty sure you could search this flat all day and you wouldn't find anything that you could call recreational.

Sherlock

John, you might want to shut up now.

John

Yeah, but come on... no...

Sherlock

What?

John

...You?

Sherlock

Shut up. [To Lestrade] I'm not your sniffer dog.

No, Anderson's my sniffer dog.

Sherlock

What, A— [spots Anderson] Anderson? What are you doing here on a drugs bust?!

Anderson

Oh I volunteered.

They all did. They're not strictly speaking on the drug squad, but they're very keen.

Are these human eyes?

Sherlock

Put those back!

They were in the microwave!

Sherlock

It's an experiment!

Sherlock

Shut up everybody, shut up! Don't move, don't speak, don't breathe, I'm trying to think. Anderson, face the other way, you're putting me off.

Anderson

What, my face is?

Everybody, quiet and still. Anderson, turn your back.

Anderson

Oh, for God's sake...

Your back! Now, please!

But how...?

Sherlock

...What do you mean how?

Sherlock

Rachel! ...Don't you see? Rachel!

Sherlock

...Ha. Look at you lot. You're all so vacant. Is it nice not being me? It must be so relaxing.

Maybe it was in the case when you brought it back. And it fell out somewhere.

Sherlock

What? And I didn't notice it? Me?

Sherlock

Where are we?

You know exactly where we are, you know every street in London.

Sherlock

Roland-Kerr further education college. Why here?"

It's open, the cleaners are in. Thing about being a cabbie, you always know a quiet spot for a murder. I'm surprised more of us don't branch out.

Sherlock

And you just walk your victims in? How? [Taxi Driver pulls a gun on Sherlock] Oh, dull!

Sherlock

Bit of a risk, wasn't it? You took me away under the noses of about half a dozen policemen - they're not that stupid. And Mrs. Hudson will remember you.

Call that a risk? Nah. This is a risk.

Oh, I like this bit. 'Cos you don't get it yet, do you? But you're about to. I just have to do... this!

Weren't expecting that, were you? Oh, you are gonna love this.

Sherlock

Love what?

Sherlock Holmes! Look at you. Here in the flesh. That website of yours! Your fan told me about it.

Sherlock

My fan?

You are brilliant, you are - you are a proper genius. "The Science of Deduction". Now that's proper thinking. Now between you and me, sitting here, why can't people think? Doesn't it drive you mad? Why can't people just think?

Sherlock

Oh, I see. So you're a proper genius too.

Don't look it, do I? Funny little man, driving a cab. But you'll know better in a minute. Chances are, it will be the last thing you ever know.

Sherlock

Okay, two bottles. Explain.

There's a good bottle and there's a bad bottle. Take a pill from the good bottle, you live. Take a pill from the bad bottle, you die.

Sherlock

Both bottles are, of course, identical.

In every way.

Sherlock

And you know which is which.

Course I know.

Sherlock

But I don't.

Wouldn't be a game if you knew. You're the one who chooses.

Sherlock

Why should I? I've got nothing to go on. What's in it for me?

I haven't told you the best bit yet. Whatever bottle you choose, I take the pill from the other one. And then together, we take our medicine.

I won't cheat. It's your choice. I'll take whichever pill you don't. Didn't expect that, did you, Mr Holmes?

Sherlock

This is what you did? To all of them? You gave them a choice?

And now I'm giving it to you. Take a moment. Get yourself together. I want your best game.

Sherlock

It's not a game - it's chance.

I've played four times. I'm alive. It's not chance, Mr. Holmes. It's chess. It's a game of chess, with one move, and one survivor. And this - [moves one of the bottles towards Sherlock] is the move. Did I just give you the good bottle, or the bad bottle? You can choose either one. You've got to admit - as serial killers go, I'm verging on nice.

Are you ready yet, Mr. Holmes? Ready to play.

Sherlock

Play what? It's a 50-50 chance.

You're not playing the numbers - you're playing me. Did I give you the good pill, or the bad pill. Is it a bluff, double-bluff, triple-bluff?

Sherlock

It's still chance.

Four people, in a row. It's not chance.

Sherlock

It's luck.

That's genius. I know how people think. I know how people think I think. I can see it all like a map inside my head. Everyone's so stupid. Even you. Of course - maybe God just loves me.

Sherlock

Either way, you're wasted as a cabbie.

Sherlock

You risked your life four times... just to kill strangers? Why?

Time to play.

Sherlock

I am playing. This is my go. There's shaving foam behind your left ear, and no one's around to point it to you. There are traces of where it's happened before, so clearly you live alone - there's no one to tell you. But you have photographs of children. The children's mother has been cut out of the photograph - if she'd died, she's still be there. The photograph is old , but the frame is new. You think of your children, but you don't get to see them. Estranged father. She took the kids, but you still love them, and it still hurts. Oh, but there's more! Your clothes are freshly laundered, but everything you're wearing is at least three years old. Keeping up appearances, but not planning ahead. And here you are, on a kamikaze murder spree, what's that about? Ah! Three years ago, is that when they told you?

Told me what?

Sherlock

That you're a dead man walking.

So are you.

Sherlock

You don't have long. Am I right?

[taps his head] Aneurism - right in here. Any breath could be my last.

Sherlock

And because you're dying, you've just murdered four people.

I've outlived four people. That's the most fun you can have with an aneurism.