Samantha Jones quotes from Sex and the City

Samantha

[on the phone] They practically chased me with torches like I was Fuckenstein.

Carrie

Oh, relax, they can't evict you for having sex.

Samantha

Of course not. They're just jealous. They're a bunch of dried-up old farts who haven't had sex since Eisenhower. And I remind them of what they can't have. [sigh] It might be time to move.

Carrie

No, you can't move! You have a rent-controlled apartment on the Upper East Side.

Samantha

Honey, this isn't rent control, this is life control.

Miranda

Steve is completely predictable, but that's one of the things I love about him. He's just so comfortable and safe.

Carrie

Are you dating a man or a minivan?

Miranda

Read into it what you will, but my new favorite thing to do on a Saturday night is Steve's laundry, and I have never been happier.

Samantha

Your relationship is my greatest fear realized.

Samantha

Well, let's just say it: You won.

Carrie

Was there a contest?

Samantha

Oh, please! There's always a contest with an ex. It's called "who will die miserable?".

Samantha

[after learning Carrie had an affair with Big] It's all about the pheromones. We're all just animals reacting to each other's smell.

Carrie

I have a non-married, wonderful boyfriend with all his hair, waiting for me, who smells great.

Samantha

Don't beat yourself up. Aidan hasn't said "I love you" yet. Until he does, you're a free agent.

Carrie

What is that, "The Rules According to Samantha"?

Samantha

See? I'm more old-fashioned than you think.

Samantha

I'm gonna tell you something. There's two types of guys out there—the ones that hold your hand, and the ones that fuck you.

Carrie

[voiceover] And I'd slept with both of them in the last 48 hours.

Samantha

And the guys that fuck you aren't worth a damn. We're all alone, Carrie. [starts crying]

Miranda

I'm just saying, as a lawyer—a partner, no less—I got zero dates, and as a stewardess, I got one for tomorrow night.

Carrie

I believe the correct term is "flight attendant".

Miranda

Not if you wanna get laid.

Samantha

Honey, it doesn't matter what you say you do. It's how you say it. For example, "I'm in PR". Translation: "I give great head".

Charlotte

[after the wedding] I finally get to sleep with Trey.

Carrie

Excuse me?

Miranda

You haven't slept with him yet?

Samantha

Honey, before you buy the car, you take it for a test drive!

Charlotte

I wanted to save myself until we got married.

Carrie

But, sweetie, you're not a virgin.

Charlotte

Well, I am in this relationship, and I think it's romantic.

Samantha

Yeah, it's romantic until he can't figure out where to put it in.

Samantha

I've got something to make you feel better. [hands Carrie and Miranda packages]

Carrie

Oh! Dildos before 10 am. I'm all perked up.

Samantha

They're autographed. One for each.

Miranda

My friend went to California. All I got was this lousy dildo.

Carrie

Could you please put these back wherever they came from? People are staring.

Samantha

Please, it's LA. No one cares if your egg whites have a side of cock.

Carrie

Nothing surprises me anymore. Apparently, in LA, house-sitters are somebodies and New York writers are prostitutes.

Samantha

Oh, sweetie, you're at least a high-class escort.

Carrie

Thank you.

Samantha

Are you in pain? I'm in pain just looking at you.

Miranda

I'm a 34-year-old woman with braces, and I'm on a liquid diet. Pain doesn't begin to cover it.

Miranda

They're starting to die on us.

Charlotte

Oh, my God.

Samantha

Well, at least you weren't stood up.

Miranda

35 and they're dying! We should just give up now.

Carrie

Well, on the bright side, this could explain why they don't call back.

Charlotte

How did he...

Miranda

Heart attack. At the gym.

Carrie

See? This is why I don't work out.

Charlotte

We've been trying, you know, to...

Samantha

Fuck?

Charlotte

Whatever. And it's just not...

Samantha

Getting big and hard?

Carrie

What is this, dirty Mad Libs?

Charlotte

This is insane! I'm married, I can't be looking at gardeners!

Samantha

Honey, what's the point of being in the suburbs if you're not gonna fuck a gardener?

Charlotte

It's infuriating! Women sit around obsessing about what went wrong over and over, and men just say "all righty" and then move on.

Samantha

I take offense at that generalization. Not all women sit around and obsess about men. As soon as my relationships are over, I move on.

Carrie

Relationships?

Samantha

You know, dates.

Samantha

[at a barbecue] Who wants a wiener?

Girl, I'm trying to get rid of one!