Samantha Jones quotes from Sex and the City

Samantha, your face is glowing. Did you get a facial or something?

Samantha

I masturbated all afternoon.

All right, then.

Seriously? All afternoon?

Samantha

Well, two, two and a half hours.

Who's got that kind of time? I like to get in and get out.

Samantha

Well, I enjoy a quickie every now and then too, but when it's good like today, I go with it. I masturbated to my priest.

Your priest?

Samantha

Friar Fuck.

Okay, I think we might have to get Charlotte a crash helmet.

You have a priest?!

No, no, no, no. She wants him, but she can't have him. It's all very Thorn Birds.

Samantha

In my fantasy he tears the food I'm carrying for the homeless out of my arms, rips open my dress, lays me down in the street and enters me.

What do you do for the next two hours and 20 minutes?

Stop! You're talking about a priest!

Samantha

It's a fantasy! I can masturbate to whomever I like. It's imagination. It's fun and perfectly healthy.

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Samantha

[about her nude photographs] This is not about a man's approval. This photo is just for me. So when I'm old and my tits are in my shoes, I can look at it and say, "Damn, I was hot."

Isn't that a little narcissistic?

Samantha

No one thinks it's narcissistic when you get your seventh-grade picture taken.

You weren't naked in that.

That we know of.

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We're supposed to be getting to know each other again, not... not...

Samantha

Fucking against a hand dryer?

It's so confusing. Are we dating or are we back together? Is he my boyfriend or my lover? Or my ex-husband whom I have sex with occasionally in coatrooms?

And bathrooms.

I'm going with "d) all of the above".

Samantha

Oh, who cares what you are? Just enjoy it.

No, I need to know where we're going.

Yes, we'd like to know where you're going as well, since evidently you'll be having sex there.

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Right in the middle of the movie, I gave him a blow job. In the theater.

Crouching Charlotte, Hidden Hummer.

And you know, you guys were right. Once I stopped defining everything, I realized how great Trey and I have it.

Samantha

Congratulations, sweetie. It sounds like you got a nice, healthy relationship.

[voiceover] Charlotte realized if Samantha defined her relationship as healthy, she had one sick relationship on her hands.

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[on the phone] You just caught us a little off guard with the lesbian thing.

Samantha

That's just a label, like Gucci or Versace.

Or Birkenstock.

Samantha

This is not about being gay or straight. Maria is an incredible woman. She's got passion, and talent, intelligence...

A vagina.

Samantha

Oh, vagina schmagina!

"Schmagina"? Is that what the lesbians are calling it?

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Samantha

[about her relationship with Maria] All we ever do is lie around, take baths together and talk about feelings.

I think they call that a relationship.

Samantha

I don't know how you people do it. All that emotional chow-chow, it's exhausting.

I know, don't you just hate that?

Women.

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MMaria

You call this a relationship?

Samantha

Well, it's tedious and the sex is dwindling, so from what I've heard, yes!

MMaria

If you have something to say to me...

Samantha

I have nothing to say to you. I am fresh out of things to say to you. All we ever do is talk, talk, talk. The talking in our relationship has replaced the fucking in our fucking relationship!

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I promise, I won't become one of those mothers who can only talk about Diaper Genies.

Good!

Samantha

[after Charlotte walks away] What the hell is a Diaper Genie?

I don't know. Someone you hire to change your kid's diaper?