Oh, it's "Risk." It's a game of world domination being played by two guys who can barely run their own lives.
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
What's this?
It's an eye patch.
You look like a pirate.
I wanna be a pirate.
You think I tell Jerry everything? It's not like he's my wife.
I tell you, when she threw that toupee out the window, it was the best thing that ever happened to me. I feel like my old self again. Totally inadequate, completely insecure, paranoid, neurotic, it's a pleasure.
Good to have you back.
And you know what else I've decided to do? I'm going to keep seeing the bald woman.
She's as good as anybody else.
Her scalp was clean. She had a nice skull. There just wasn't a lot of hair on it.
Yeah you've had like a religious awakening. You're like a bald-again.
So George, how do I beat this lie detector?
I'm sorry, Jerry I can't help you.
Come on, you've got the gift. You're the only one that can help me.
Jerry, I can't. It's like saying to Pavorotti, "Teach me to sing like you."
All right, well I've got to go take this test. I can't believe I'm doing this.
Jerry, just remember. It's not a lie if you believe it.
I'm going on record right now that was my last kiss hello. I am getting off the kiss program with her.
Why?
Well, frankly, outside of a sexual relationship, I don't see the point to it. I'm not thrilled with all the handshaking either, but one step at a time. If you could say touch her breast as part of the kiss hello, then I think I could see the value in it a little bit better.
How about an intercourse hello? How would that be?
Elaine, now you're just being ridiculous.
[about doctors] I love these people. You can't ask 'em questions.They're so mentally gifted that we mustn't disturb the delicate genius unless it's in the confines of an office. When huge sums of money are involved, then the delicate genius can be disturbed!
You think I want another family? My father's demanding my uncle pay interest on fifty dollars he was supposed to give my mother in 1941 and my uncle put my nana in a home to try and shut her up! And I'll tell you another thing, Cosmo Kramer, whatever you wanna be called. The kissing thing is over. There's no more kissing, and I don't care what the consequences are. [Suddenly, Kramer grabs Jerry, pulls him in and kisses him full on the mouth. George half-enters. Kramer releases Jerry, who stares at him in shock. George stands in the doorway and looks between Jerry and Kramer without saying a word. He has a "Well, what do you know?" expression on his face. He slowly backs out of the doorway and closes it behind him]
I'm going up to see Elaine Benes.
DDoorman
What are you, the boyfriend? Here for a quickie?
[waiting foe the elevator] How 'bout those Knicks?
DDoorman
Oh, I see. On the sports page...
Yeah.
DDoorman
What makes you think I wasn't reading the Wall Street page? Oh, I know, because I'm the uneducated doorman.
[dressed as a doorman] Hey, hey, wait a second. You live here?
GMr. Green
Of course I live here! I've lived here for twenty years. Now if you don't let me in, I'm going to call the police and have you arrested!
[Jerry lets the man pass.]
[yells] You think you're better than me?
JJimmy
You know, Jimmy is pretty sweet on you.
[thinks that Jimmy is another guy] Aaaaaahhh! He is?
JJimmy
Oh, yeah! Jimmy's been watching you. You're just Jimmy's type.
Ahh! Really?
JJimmy
Jimmy's new in town. Jimmy... doesn't really know anyone.
Oh! Well, I'd like to get to know him.
JJimmy
Jimmy would like to get to know you.
You said, "George likes spicy chicken."
No I didn't.
Yes, you did. You said, "George likes spicy chicken."
You know what you're doing? You're turning into Jimmy.
George is getting UPSET!
What's this, a drawing of Mr. Magoo?
No, that's George.
[realizing that his girlfriend doesn't care what he looks like or what he wears] You know Jerry; I've been searching for someone a long time. Well, the search is over.
And now the search for the right psychiatrist begins.
So, did you get your new plates?
Oh... yeah. I got my new plates. But they mixed them up. Somebody got mine and I got their vanity plates.
What do they say?
Assman.
Assman?
Yeah. Assman, Jerry. I'm Cosmo Kramer, the Assman!
Who would order a license plate that says "Assman"?
Maybe they're Wilt Chamberlain's.
It doesn't have to be someone who gets a lot of women. It could be just some guy with a big ass.
Yeah, or it could be a proctologist.
Yeah. Proctologist.
Come on! No doctor would put that on his car.
Have you ever met a proctologist? Well, they usually have a very good sense of humor. You meet a proctologist at a party, don't walk away. Plant yourself there, because you will hear the funniest stories you've ever heard. See, no one wants to admit to them that they stuck something up there. Never! It's always an accident. Every proctologist story ends in the same way: "It was a million to one shot, Doc. Million to one!"
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Seinfeld pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.