Seinfeld · Season 1
[examining a spot on the couch] Is it? C-could it? Could-- Could he have? It is! Poppie peed on my sofa!
Are you sure?
Well, what is it then?! My new sofa! Poppie peed on my new sofa!
I'm sure it'll come out.
I don't care if it comes out. I can't sit on that anymore.
Ah, you're making too much of it.
Yeah, you're right. Just a natural human function, happens to be on my sofa... instead of in the toilet where it would normally be.
If it's not about sports, I find it very hard to concentrate.
You're not very bright, are you?
No I'm not. I would like to be, but I'm not.
[about dating a gymnast] Jerry, you stand on the threshold to the magical world of sensual delights that most men dare not dream of.
You're in the kitchen. You see an éclair in the receptacle. So you think to yourself, "What the hell, I'll just eat some trash."
No, no, no, no, no. It was not trash.
Was it in the trash?
Yes.
Then it was trash.
It wasn't down in; it was sort of on top.
But it was in the cylinder.
Above the rim.
Adjacent to refuse, is refuse.
It was on a magazine, and it still had the doily on.
Was it eaten?
One little bite.
Well, that's garbage.
You worn the suit yet?
No, not yet.
[the waitress comes up] Have you decided?
Oh, get the swordfish. Best swordfish in the city. The best, Jerry.
I'll have the salmon.
And you?
Ahh, you know what I think. I'm just going to have soup. Yeah, I'll save the meal for another time.
Another time? What other time?
I had a hot dog earlier. I'm not that hungry.
No, no, Bania, no. This is the dinner. The soup counts.
Soup's not a meal. You're supposed to buy me a meal.
I'm not stopping you from eating. Go ahead and eat. Get anything you want.
I don't want anything but soup.
Then that's the meal.
But I had the hot dog.
I didn't tell you to have a hot dog. Who told you to have a hot dog?
Hey, I give you a brand-new Armani suit, and you won't even buy me a meal?
All right, fine. Get the soup!
So, you just pretended it didn't bother you?
What is that, 'boyfriend'? I don't understand that. What, what does she think I asked her out for?
Boy, it's the way they just slip that in there, too.
Yeah, like it's just part of the conversation. 'Oh, my boyfriend really likes watches. He's a real watch freak.' Well, that's fabulous.
Well, let me ask you this. What exactly did you say when you asked her out?
I said, 'Would you like to go for a walk or something?'
Oh, a walk, well...
Or something. I said, 'Or something'!
Or something. Yeah, that's a date.
There you go!
You know, there is always the possibility that she called an audible.
What do you mean?
Well, she got up to the line of scrimmage, didn't like the looks of the defense and changed the play.
I think things were going okay. We were having a nice conversation.
Uh huh.
I mentioned how I liked horse manure.
You did?
Yeah.
Yeah. You said you liked horse manure.
Yeah. You know, about how when you break it down, it's really a very positive thing. You know, you have a 'newer,' with a 'ma' in front of it. MA-NURE. It's not bad.
And it was around this point that she mentioned the boyfriend?
Yeah. Oh, you think because of what I said about the manure. I was just saying how it takes a negative thing, and puts a positive spin on it.
I'm just saying there's a chance she may not have been enamored with your thoughts and feelings on manure.
So you don't think she really has a boyfriend?
My honest opinion, I think she made it up.
[singing] Everybody's talkin' at me... can't hear a word they're sayin'... just drivin' around in Jon Voight's car...
[Jerry is trying the only pair of boots he has available]
I can't wear these. They look ridiculous.
Well, you look like a cowboy!
I don't wanna be a cowboy!
Hey! Did you get the Volvo?
No, I decided to go with an '89 LeBaron.
A LeBaron?
I thought Consumer said Volvo was the car?
What Consumer? I'm the consumer.
Alright. Seems like... a strange choice.
Well, maybe so... but it was good enough for Mr. Jon Voight.
Jon Voight? The actor?
That's right. He just happened to be the previous owner of the vehicle.
You bought a car because it belonged to Jon Voight?
No, no...
I think yes, yes. You like the idea of telling people you're driving Jon Voight's car.
You got no waist in that thing.
And your arms look like something in a kosher deli.
Would you be able to come all the way downtown during rush hour again?
Well, I'd have to be Superman to do that, Lois.
[Elaine is ordering Chinese takeaway despite being blacklisted earlier]
Um, yeah, hi, I'd like delivery please to 16 West 75th St. apartment 2G.
[menacingly] I know that address! You're Benes, right? You're on our list. NO MORE DELIVERIES!
No. no, she doesn't live here anymore. This is someone else.
Oh, yeah. What's the name?
Why do you need the name? You already have the address.
[in a sinister tone] We need a name. Give us a name!
Okay, okay, Ned Isakoff.
Do you ever just get down on your knees and thank God that you know me and have access to my dementia?
Do you realize in the entire history of western civilization no one has successfully accomplished the Roommate Switch? In the Middle Ages you could get locked up for even suggesting it!
They did not have roommates in the middle ages!
Well, I'm sure at some point between the years 800 and 1200, somewhere, there were two women living together.
The point is I intend to undertake this. And I'll do it with or without you. So if you're scared, if you haven't got the stomach for this, let's get it out right now! And I'll go on my own. If not, you can get on board and we can get to work! Now what's it going to be?
Alright, dammit, I'm in.
[about Tim Whatley] He recycled this gift. He's a regifter.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Seinfeld pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
