Seinfeld · Season 1
Georgie, I'm a divorcee.
No, you're not a divorcee. You're just separated. You're — you're a "separatee."
Well, I'm out there, George.
No, you're not out there.
I am, too!
You're not out there! You can't be, because I am out there. And if I see you out there, there's not enough voltage in this world to electroshock me back into coherence!
Jerry, I don't want you to freak out.
I'm freakin' out! I am freakin' out!
So, what're you doing about Morgan?
You know, what would be great? If she could see me with some of my black friends.
Yeah except you don't really have any black friends. Outside of us, you don't have any white friends either.
Who are these nitwits that get on a plane with nothing to read? You know who these people are?
Who?
These are the people that want to talk to you. They got nothing else to do, why not disturb you?
I will never understand people.
They're the worst.
You have any idea how fast these things deteriorate when there's an 'I love you' out of the bag? You can't have a relationship where one person says 'I love you,' and the other one says 'I'm hungry, let's get something to eat.'
Unless you're married...
Now she thinks I'm one of these guys that loves her. Nobody wants to be with somebody that loves them!
No, people hate that.
You want to be with somebody that doesn't like you.
Ideally.
I am never saying 'I love you' again unless they say it first.
I watched "Beaches" on cable last night... give me a break.
Get some talent. Then you can mouth off.
[on the phone] A turkey sandwich, a side of slaw... You want white meat or dark?
White meat.
Yeah, white meat. And if I see one piece of dark meat on there, it's your ass, buster!
I just want you to know that I love your son very much.
You do?
Yes.
Really?
Yes.
May I ask why?
Well, you know, we were having dinner the other night, and she's got this strangest habit: she eats her peas one at a time. You've never seen anything like it. It takes her an hour to finish them. I mean, we've had dinner other times. I've seen her eat corn niblets, but she scooped them.
She scooped the niblets?
Yes. That's what was so vexing.
Look at this, Jerry. That's littering.
Maybe you better call the cops and turn me in.
Maybe I will.
If you don't want to marry me, George, just say so. [crying] Say so.
Still marry. Still marry.
No, you don't love me.
No. Still love. Still love.
My parents told me you were too neurotic and that I was making a mistake.
No, no, no. No mistake, no mistake!
You know you hurt the Maestro's feelings.
Oh what, because I didn't call him "Maestro"?
That's right.
Ya know, I feel a little funny calling somebody "Maestro."
Why?
Because it's a stupid thing to be called.
Jerry, he's a conductor.
Oh, conductor. He conducts the Policeman's Benevolent Association Orchestra.
New shirt?
Yeah. You like it?
No, not particularly.
Why, the color?
Yeah.
Too flashy?
Yeah, it's burning my retina.
I still can't believe, you're going out on a blind date.
I'm not worried. It sounds like he's really good looking.
You're going by sound? What are we, whales?
I think I can tell.
Elaine, what percentage of people would you say are good looking?
25 percent.
25 percent, you say? No way! It's like 4 to 6 percent. It's a 20 to 1 shot.
You're way off.
Way off? Have you been to the motor vehicle bureau? It's like a leper colony down there.
So what you are saying is that 90 to 95 percent of the population is undateable?
UNDATEABLE!
Oh, by the way, tomorrow night Paul O'Neill has to catch a fly ball in his hat.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Seinfeld pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
